~🌺Chapter four 🌺~
I don't know what day it is anymore. They all feel the same.
Mom keeps asking if I'm okay and I keep saying yes. She knows I'm lying. I know she knows but both of us just pretend anyways.
I deleted Instagram and WhatsApp on my phone few days after.I was lying in bed scrolling and suddenly I couldn't stand looking at their faces anymore. All those pictures from before ,when I didn't know and When I was the only one who didn't know.
So tired because my phone feels empty now. I pick it up and there's nothing to check. Just the weather app and some stupid game I don't play. Sometimes I open it just to have something to do with my hands and then I remember there's nothing there and I put it down again.
I can't sleep well any longer,I literally force myself to sleep every night. The ceiling fan makes this clicking sound I never noticed before and I count the clicks sometimes.
School's weird now.
I saw her on Thursday in the hallway by the gym and she looked at me and opened her mouth like she was going to say something and I just turned around and walked the other way.Â
My whole body went hot and my heart was beating so fast I thought people could hear it.
I don't eat lunch in the cafeteria anymore because of what happened,but there's a spot in the library behind the old encyclopedias nobody uses and since the incident, I usually sit there to avoid people asking me questions. Bring an apple or whatever. Sometimes I eat there while Sometimes I just sit there and watch the clock.
People are definitely talking. I'm not stupid. Conversations stop when I walk by. Or they get really loud about something else really fast. Jessica Patterson smiled at me yesterday with this sad pitying look and I wanted to punch her.
He cornered me at my locker yesterday.
"Can we talk?"
I didn't even look at him. "No."
"Please. Just "
"No."
"You won't even let me explain?"
I slammed my locker shut and that made me look at him and he looked like shit. Good. I wanted him to look like shit.
"Explain what?" I said. "You want to explain how you fucked my best friend? Should I take notes?"
His face went red. "Don't you ever"
"I'm done." I walked away and my hands were shaking but I kept walking.
Mom's trying so hard. She made my favorite dinner last night. The chicken thing with the breadcrumbs and I ate like three bites and said I wasn't hungry and she just nodded and didn't say anything and I felt like the worst person alive.
I keep thinking about that stupid party. The closet. Everyone said I made the worst choice ever and maybe I did but I can't stop thinking about it.
He asked if I was sure. That's the part that keeps coming back. He asked. He waited. He didn't assume.
My boyfriend never asked me anything. He just decided things and I went along with it because that's what I did,I went along with things.
I'm filling out university forms because the deadline's coming and Mom keeps reminding me. It feels fake. Like I'm pretending to be someone who has a future. Someone who's excited about dorms and meal plans and roommate questionnaires.
I saw his uncle at the grocery store. Just standing there in the cereal aisle and I couldn't avoid him without being obvious.
"Hey," he said. "How are you doing?"
I shrugged. "Fine."
He didn't say anything for a second and then he said "I heard what happened. I'm sorry."
I didn't know what to say to that so I just stood there looking at the Lucky Charms.
"You know," he said, "that night at the party. You did what you wanted to do. That matters."
Then he left and I stood there for like five more minutes just staring at cereal boxes.
I found my old journal last night. I haven't written in it since freshman year. I opened it up and all this stuff just came out. Pages and pages. My hand hurt after.
I don't feel better exactly but I feel something. Not nothing anymore.
I still don't know what I'm doing. Where I'm going or who I'm supposed to be now.
But I'm starting to think maybe that's okay. Maybe I don't have to know yet.