The "Double-Couple" Roast: 1,000% Emotional Damage
[Author's POV]
The baby shower was in full swing, but the real "Main Event" was happening in the garden lounge. Jay and Bridget were sitting together on a velvet sofa, looking like the ultimate "Powerhouse" duo. Across from them, Keifer and Felix stood tall, looking like a pair of high-definition "Alpha" bodyguards.
The university squad—Calix, Ci n, Erdix, and the rest—had gathered around, sensing that the "Empress" and the "Tactical Queen" were about to initiate a "System Takedown."
The "Simp" Frequency: [Jay's POV]
I took a slow sip of my mocktail, looking up at Keifer, who was currently holding my spare shawl and a bottle of specialized alkaline water as if they were "State Secrets."
"Bridget," I said, my voice dripping with mischief. "Do you remember when Keifer was the 'Ice King'? The man who didn't have 'Time for Human Interaction' because he was too busy 'Optimizing the Global Economy'?"
"Oh, I remember," Bridget cackled, leaning back and crossing her arms. "The man was a walking glacier. But look at him now. Felix, what's your 'Commander' doing right now?"
Felix coughed, trying to look professional. "The CEO is currently... providing 'Thermal Support' and 'Hydration Logistics' to the Primary Asset."
"He's being a Simp-in-Chief, Felix! Call it what it is!" Bridget laughed. "And don't act like you're any better. I saw you 'Tactically' checking my combat boots this morning to see if they were 'Polished to Regulation'. You're just Keifer 2.0 with better aim!"
The "Jealousy" Analysis: [Bridget's POV]
"Exactly!" I added, pointing a finger at Keifer. "Keif, tell the squad about the 'SUV Lockdown' after the check-up. Tell them how you 'Firewalled' a doctor just for having a high-definition smile."
The boys—Rory, Mayo, and Kit—let out a synchronized "Oooooooh!"
Keifer didn't flinch, but his ears turned a very noticeable shade of "Processing Pink." "The doctor was 'Over-Scanning' the territory, Bridget. I simply 'Encrypted' the view."
"Encrypted?!" I shrieked with laughter. "Jay told me you kissed her until her 'System' hit a 'Thermal Overload'! You weren't encrypting anything, you were 'Claiming the Hardware' like a possessive dork!"
"And Felix!" Bridget turned her fire on her own man. "Felix yesterday tried to 'Secure the Perimeter' of the flower shop because the florist asked me if I liked lilies. He literally stood behind the guy and did the 'I'm Watching You' finger-point! It was 1,000% embarrassing!"
The "Alpha" Defense: [Keifer's POV]
I looked at Felix. He looked at me. We both knew the "Data" was against us.
"Weify," I said, stepping closer to Jay and placing a hand on the back of her neck. "The squad doesn't understand 'High-Value Asset Protection.' If the 'Hardware' is as beautiful as yours, the 'Firewall' must be aggressive."
"Nice save, Boss," Felix muttered, nodding. "The Tactical Queen requires constant 'Monitoring' to ensure she doesn't 'Neutralize' the civilian population."
The Final Burn: [Jay's POV]
I looked at the university squad and shook my head. "You see this? They're even 'Syncing' their excuses now. It's like a 'Dork-Core' operating system."
"1,000%," Bridget agreed. "Hey, Ella! You're the only one with a 'Clean Drive'. Don't ever date a 'Powerhouse' man. They start off cool and 'Ice King' style, and six months later they're crying because you reached for the salt without their 'Authorized Assistance'."
Ella raised her glass from the buffet table. "Data received, Bridget. I'll stay single. My 'Battery Life' is much better without a jealous CEO tracking my GPS!"
The garden erupted in laughter. Keifer sighed, leaning down to whisper in my ear, "The roast is 1,000% effective, Jay. But you're still not getting the salt shaker without my 'Security Clearance'."
"You're hopeless," I giggled, pulling him down for a (very public) kiss.