The first thing you realize when you get reincarnated as the future King of Olympus is that the Game of Life is in 8K resolution, but it has terrible audio balancing.
I was currently three years old. My nursery was the Dictaean Cave on Crete. It was damp, and it smelled like wet dog—or rather, wet divine goat—and the ambient noise level was somewhere between "Jet Engine" and "Coldplay Concert."
CLANG.
SMASH.
BOOM.
"Strike true, brothers! The Crooked One listens!"
That was Pyrrhichos. He was the captain of the Kouretes, my personal protection squad. They were Daemones—ancient spirits of the earth—and they looked like what would happen if a tank had a baby with a Spartan. Eight feet tall, covered in bronze, and possessing zero chill.
They were currently banging their spears against their shields in a rhythmic frenzy known as the Pyrrhichios. The lore reason? To drown out my crying so my cannibal father, Cronus, wouldn't hear me.
The problem? I wasn't crying.
I was sitting cross-legged on a pile of moss, trying to figure out how to access the Settings Menu to turn the volume down.
"Pyrrhichos!" I yelled, my toddler voice squeaking slightly. "Can we lower the bass? I'm trying to think!"
Pyrrhichos stopped mid-swing. The sudden silence was heavier than the noise. He turned his massive Corinthian helmet toward me.
"The Sky Father's ears are sharp, Little Lord," he rumbled, sounding like two tectonic plates grinding together. Or yo mama's. "We must weave the wall of sound. If the Titan King hears but a single breath..."
"Yeah, yeah, he'll eat me. Not like some files guy, but literally. Yada yada, spooky~" I waved a chubby hand dismissively. "But he's not going to hear me breathing from Mount Othrys. That's like hearing a mouse fart in a hurricane. You guys are just enjoying the cardio."
I stood up. I was wearing my DIVINE tunic made of DIVINE raw wool that scratched in my DIVINE places I didn't know I had places.
I looked at my DIVINE hands. Okay, I will stop. They were small, soft, and glowing with a faint golden light. Bioluminescence, I thought philosophically. Or maybe just Main Character Energy.
In the original myths, Zeus was… well, he was many things, but primarily a jock. A frat boy with a lightning bolt. He solved problems by hitting them or sleeping with them.
But I wasn't that Zeus. I was a Zeus who had watched anime. I was a Zeus who had played Dark Souls. I knew that raw power was useless if you didn't have the build to back it up.
"Amalthea!" I called out.
From the shadows emerged my nursemaid. In the myths, she's a goat. A G.O.A.T. Not The G.O.A.T. Sometimes she's a nymph. In my reality, she was a Nymph who could turn into a goat, which was frankly a traumatic thing to witness before you've had your morning coffee.
"The Earth-Born dance for thee, Scion," she said, her voice sounding like wind in the trees. She held out a wooden bowl. "Partake. The milk of the sacred beast strengthens the ichor."
I stared at the milk. "Amalthea, we've talked about this. I need caffeine. Or at least some sugar. Do we have any ambrosia flavored like... I don't know, Blue Raspberry? Cool Ranch?"
She blinked, her rectangular goat pupils dilating. "Thy words are strange, Child. What is... 'Ranch'?"
"A flavor of the gods, Amalthea. A lost technology." I took the bowl and downed it. It tasted like high-protein chalk. "Alright. Let's get to the grind."
I walked over to a massive stalagmite I had designated as 'Training Dummy Mark IV.' The previous three were... unfortunately sleeping… for eternity.
I didn't want to be a physics nerd about this. I didn't need to know the equation for voltage—which I know, btw. I just needed to understand the vibe of electricity.
Lightning isn't just fire. It's hype. It's the moment the beat drops. It's pure, unadulterated energy looking for an exit.
"Okay," I muttered, shaking out my arms. "Let's try the Palpatine approach."
I closed my eyes and reached out with my feelings. Not the Jedi kind. The angry, buzzing feeling in my chest. I felt the static in the air. The cave was dry, and the Kouretes' constant friction was charging the atmosphere like a balloon rubbed on a carpet.
Grab it, I thought. Don't calculate it. Just... yoink.
I clenched my fist.
ZZZT-POP.
A spark didn't just appear. A sphere of blue-white light the size of your di—grapefruit, materialized in my palm. It wasn't jagged or chaotic. It was spinning.
"Rasengan," I whispered, a grin splitting my face.
The Kouretes gasped. Melisseus, the lieutenant, dropped his spear.
"The Fire of the Heavens!" Melisseus whispered, falling to his knees. "He holds the wrath of the sky in his hand like a toy!"
"It's not a toy, Melisseus," I said, looking at the buzzing ball of plasma. "It's a ranged attack. And I'm about to test the hitbox."
I wound up my arm like a baseball pitcher. "Yeet!"
I threw the ball.
It screamed across the cave in a perfect straight line. It was truly enlightening.
BOOM.
It hit the stalagmite. The rock didn't crack. It simply ceased to exist—vaporized. I was surprised when I saw my training buddy get hit by it. He was shocked as well. So much so, that he decided to rest in peace.
"Critical Hit," I nodded, satisfied. "One-shot kill potential is high. But the cooldown is terrible."
I looked at my DIVINE hand. It was smoking. My DIVINE skin was red and irritated.
"See?" I said, turning to the terrified warriors. "I have the DPS. But my durability? Garbage. If I fire more of that juice, I pass out. I'm a Glass Cannon."
Pyrrhichos stepped forward, looking at the melted rock. "Lord Zeus... you speak in the tongues of madness, but your power... it is undeniable. Why do we hide? With that fire, we could march on Mount Othrys today! We could burn the Titan King!"
"No," I snapped. That's exactly what I expect from an NPC. Thanks, side character, for your boundless wisdom. Stand proud, you could defeat Miwa.
I walked over to a clear patch of dirt and sat down.
"Listen, Pyrrhichos. Cronus isn't a Level 1 Goblin. He's the Raid Boss. He has millions of HP and he controls Time. Think, Pyrrhichos, Think! Do you know what happens if I throw lightning at a guy who controls Time? He pauses the game, walks over, and slaps me into next Tuesday."
I picked up a DIVINE stick and started drawing in the DIVINE dirt.
"We need a build," I explained, drawing a DIVINE stick figure with a lightning bolt. "Right now, I'm all Int and Magic. I have zero Str and zero Agi," knowing full well they wouldn't get it on their third attempt—just like your entrance exam.
I looked up at the giant warriors. "I need you guys to beat me up."
The cave went silent. Even the water dripping from the ceiling seemed to pause.
"Beat... you up?" Amalthea asked, looking horrified. "Strike the God-Child? The Prophesied One?"
"Yes! I need to tank hits!" I stood up and flexed my tiny DIVINE biceps. "I need to build resistance. I need to get hit so many times that my skin turns into carbon fiber. I need to dodge so fast that I trigger Ultra Instinct."
Pyrrhichos looked at his massive bronze spear. "Lord... if I strike you, I will break you."
"Try me, Bro," I challenged.
Pyrrhichos hesitated, then swung the butt of his spear. He moved in slow motion—or maybe he was holding back. It tapped my chest.
"Harder!" I yelled. "Stop lagging! Hit me like you mean it!"
He swung again. Harder.
THWACK.
It hurt. It felt like getting hit by a baseball bat. I flew backward, tumbling into a pile of hay.
"Lord!" The Kouretes rushed forward.
I lay there for a second, staring at the ceiling. A health bar flashed in my mind's eye. HP: 98%.
I sat up, coughing. "Okay. That stung. But did you see that? I didn't break a rib. My bones are dense. Divine physiology is OP."
I stood up, dusting off the hay. "Again. And this time, try to aim for the head. I need to work on my reflexes."
Two Hours Later.
I was bruised, dirty, and sweating gold ichor. But I was grinning.
I had discovered something amazing.
"So," I panted like a pig seeing a Miku figurine, leaning against the cave wall while the Kouretes gasped for breath. "My stamina regen is broken. It's infinite. As long as my feet touch the earth, I recharge."
"You... you are a monster," Melisseus wheezed, leaning on his shield. "We are spirits of war... and you tire us out... like children."
"I'm not a monster," I corrected. "I'm a grinder. I love to grind." Your ma—
I walked over to the stream to wash my DIVINE face. The DIVINE reflection staring back at me was a DIVINE toddler, but the DIVINE eyes were old. They were DIVINE eyes that had seen the brain rot.
"Amalthea," I said.
She stepped forward. "Yes, Little Lord?"
"How long until I look like an adult? Physically."
"The Nymphs say you grow like the bamboo," she said. "Five years. In five years, you will have the stature of a King."
"Five years," I muttered. "I'll be a five-year-old in a twenty-year-old's body. Classic anime protagonist syndrome."
I turned to the group.
"We aren't leaving in five years," I announced.
"What?" Pyrrhichos looked distraught. "But the prophecy! The world suffers!"
"Let it suffer a little longer," I said cold-heartedly. "Look, if I go out there as a five-year-old man-child, I'm going to make a mistake. I'm going to get cocky. I'm going to try to seduce a tree or something stupid because my hormones will be going haywire."
I paced back and forth.
"We stay for eighteen years," I declared. "Eighteen. That's the magic number. I need to mature mentally. I need to master my powers until they are boring. I need to invent things."
"Invent?" Amalthea asked.
"Yes. Look at this." I pointed to Pyrrhichos's shield. "Trash tier."
I picked up a rock. "I can sense the metals in the earth. There's Adamantine deeper down. Maybe even Vibranium if we're lucky. I'm going to forge weapons that make your spears look like toothpicks."
I looked at the lightning crackling faintly around my DIVINE fingers.
"And this?" I held up the spark. "I'm going to figure out how to make this do more than just explode. I'm going to make it fly. I'm going to make it shield me. I'm going to make it roast a chicken perfectly in three seconds."
I looked at the entrance of the cave. The stars were shining outside.
"My father is out there," I said softly. "He thinks he's playing Civilization on Easy Mode. He thinks he won."
I clenched my fist, and the air pressure in the cave dropped so low that Amalthea's ears popped.
"He doesn't know there's a speed-runner coming for him."
I turned back to the Kouretes. They looked terrified, but inspired.
"Alright, break time is over!" I clapped my hands. "Pyrrhichos, I want you to throw rocks at me while I'm blindfolded. Melisseus, you start banging that shield again, but give me a beat. Something with a faster tempo. Let's invent techno music while we're at it."
"Techno..." Pyrrhichos sounded out the word. "Is this a prayer to the Fates?"
"Sure," I smirked. "It's a prayer for a faster beat drop."
I closed my eyes and tied a strip of wool around my head.
Status Check, I thought.
Name: Zeus.
Title: The CEO of Olympus (Pending).
Current Mood: Motivated.
"Ready!" I shouted. "Throw!"
The rock whistled through the air.
I didn't need to see it. I could feel the disturbance in the electromagnetic field. The rock was just a cluster of atoms moving through my domain.
I ducked. The rock smashed into the wall behind me.
"Too slow!" I laughed. "My grandmother throws harder than that, and she's the literal Earth! Again!"
As the rocks started flying, I felt a thrill I hadn't felt in my old life. No taxes. No 9-to-5 job. No doom-scrolling on Insta.
Just me, my powers, and a giant enemy crab (well, Titan) waiting at the end of the level.
I'm going to own this server, I thought, dodging another stone. Just you wait, Dad. I'm bringing the ban hammer.
Would you like me to start brainstorming some ideas for Chapter 2, where he figures out how to mine for Adamantine/Vibranium?