In someone's mom's basement was 4 idiots.
The basement smelled like three weeks of bad decisions, a Hot Pocket someone microwaved in 2022 and never threw away, and Andre's shoes which was a whole separate crime. A single LED strip ran across the ceiling — blue, because Connor had read somewhere that blue light was good for focus, which was insane because nobody in this room had focused on a single thing since birth.
One was Connor Liam, the nerdy white kid. Blonde hair, blue eyes, big ass glasses that he pushed up his nose every thirty seconds like a little professor. He was the kind of kid who color-coded his notes, had a favorite historical battle, and had once genuinely cried when a library book had a cracked spine. He was also, tragically, the only person in this basement who actually wanted to be here. He had been planning this DnD session for two weeks. TWO weeks. He had drawn the map by hand. He had written lore. He had character sheets for everyone. Nobody had read their character sheet.
And there was Andre Darius, the scrawny tall Black kid. He had an afro and black eyes and legs so long that when he sat in the beanbag chair he looked like a folded up lawn chair. He was nine years old and already five foot two which was genuinely unsettling to everyone including his own mother. He was currently on his phone and had been for the last forty minutes.
Next was Zhang Wei, the fat Asian kid. Zhang Wei occupied his chair the way a planet occupies a solar system — completely, naturally, and with total gravitational authority. He was on his third snack bag in twenty minutes and showed absolutely no signs of stopping. He had also, at some point, acquired a juice box that nobody remembered seeing him bring in.
Then Diego Carlos, the short Mexican kid. Diego was the shortest one there by a significant margin and compensated for this by having the energy of someone who had never once in his life been told no and believed in his entire heart that he never would be. He was sitting backwards on his folding chair like he was about to drop a mixtape.
Connor spread his hands over the map he had spent four hours drawing, cleared his throat with great ceremony, and became the Dungeon Master.
"Ok," he said gravely. "The Orc chieftain stands before you Diego, seven feet tall, muscles like boulders, his axe is literally dripping with the blood of fallen warriors, his eyes are locked onto yours, the ground is shaking—"
"Kick his balls," Diego said immediately.
Connor stopped. "...What."
"I kick him in the balls. Done. I win. Next."
"Diego that's— no. NO. That's not how it works bro you have a SWORD—"
"The sword is for AFTER the balls Connor, this is basic strategy."
"There is NO ball-kicking in Dungeons and Dragons—"
"Well maybe there SHOULD be."
"Ok Diego the Orc is about to slash you with his mighty axe what will you do."
Diego said "Mmmm kick his balls?"
Connor said "no no that's not how it work."
Diego smirked and said "nahh I'd win."
Zhang Wei looked up from his chips, genuinely thoughtful. "Ohhhh my god bro just rizz him up."
Connor turned to him slowly. "He's literally a man Zhang."
"Rizz don't discriminate Connor. That's on you for not knowing that."
"ZHANG—"
Andre laughed hard from the beanbag without even looking up from his phone saying "Nahhh Zhang gay hahahah."
Zhang said "tch man Andre shut yo bitch ass up."
"I'm just saying what everyone's thinking bro—"
"Nobody was thinking that Andre—"
"I was a little bit," Diego admitted.
"DIEGO—"
"LADIES, ladies," Diego said, holding up both hands like a referee. "Could you guys shut up and let me cook. Now what I do to him is—" He paused. Stroked his chin. Stared into the middle distance like a general surveying a battlefield. "—hmmm. Throw skibidi toilet at him."
The room went quiet.
Connor took his glasses off. Set them down. Pressed his palms flat on the map. Took a very long breath in through his nose.
"Bro," he said with the tone of a man being slowly crushed by a hydraulic press. "How many times I gotta tell you. There. Is. No. Skibidi. Toileeeeeeet. In this game. In this world. In this CAMPAIGN that I spent two weeks building—"
"Two weeks?" Andre finally looked up from his phone.
"Two. Weeks."
Andre stared at him. "Connor bro. I love you. Go outside."
"I GO OUTSIDE—"
Zhang said "bro hurry up man I'm hungry."
Everyone looked at Zhang.
Diego looked at him. Really looked at him. Scientifically. "Ok Zhang I think you already ate enough with yo fat ass, you built like a water balloon bro what is you doing."
Zhang pointed a chip at him. "Metabolism."
"YOUR WHAT—"
Zhang Yelled "ICE!" and pointed behind Diego.
Diego LAUNCHED himself off the chair and hit the floor. "Where where??"
Andre said flatly "uhh Diego he was lying."
Diego slowly sat back up from the carpet. Zhang was already crying laughing, tears streaming, chips forgotten, absolutely deceased.
Diego got back in his chair with tremendous dignity. Smoothed his shirt. Looked Zhang dead in the eyes.
"ok fat ass you wanna make a racist joke."
Zhang wheezed. "bro I didn't even—"
"HEY LOOK DUCK." Diego pointed hard over Zhang's shoulder.
Zhang said "WHERE!" and spun completely around.
"got your dumbass hahaha."
Zhang turned back around. Stared at him. "I hate you so much."
"No you don't."
"No I don't," Zhang agreed sadly.
Connor slammed his hand on the table. "BROOO can we please play the game. PLEASE. I am asking you as a human person—"
Andre said "bro this game is dumb ass hell it's boring, I rather do miss Jane's school work."
The other three turned to stare at him.
"...Miss Jane's school work," Connor repeated.
"Yeah."
"Andre. Miss Jane gave us a worksheet on fractions."
"And I would rather be doing that right now. That is how I feel about this game."
Zhang nodded solemnly and said "aww heck no I'm better off jogging—"
Diego didn't even hesitate. "Which you will never do."
Zhang opened his mouth. Closed it. "well at least I ain't gotta go to the doctor."
Diego froze for just a half second. "ok got me there, but it's my teeth fault."
Connor looked up from his notes, alarmed. "Dude Diego."
"fine fine, ok I wanna dooo—" Diego started.
Andre said "doooo your mom."
Both Connor and Zhang lost it immediately. Connor put his face in the map. Zhang fell sideways off his chair and hit the floor and just laid there laughing at the ceiling.
Diego pointed at Andre. "Bro you have no dad."
The laughter stopped.
Andre nodded slowly. "yeah true," he said unbothered. "but at least I don't eat tacos everyday."
Diego gasped like he'd been shot. "well at least I ain't robbing people."
Andre sat up straighter. "bro who told you that—"
"EVERYBODY CALM DOWN—" Connor slammed both hands on the table so hard the miniatures jumped.
Everyone looked at him.
His glasses were crooked. His map had a hand-shaped wrinkle in it. His voice cracked slightly on the next word.
"PLEASE," he said. "I just— I just want to play the game. That's it. That's all I want. We are NINE. We have our WHOLE LIVES to be idiots. Can we just— for ONE hour— be nerds instead?"
Silence.
Zhang slowly climbed back into his chair.
Andre picked his phone back up.
Diego spun his chair back around to face the table properly.
Connor exhaled. Picked up his notes. Pushed his glasses up. Regained the voice.
"Okay. The orc raises his axe—"
"Kick his balls," Diego said.
Connor closed his eyes.