Chapter 142
Haru hadn't smoked in a long time. Long enough that the taste of the cigarette felt almost foreign against his tongue, as though some part of him had forgotten why he had ever needed it in the first place.
He crushed the second cigarette into the ashtray and leaned back in his chair, staring through the window.
Seoul stretched endlessly beneath him, illuminated by thousands of lights. Cars moved along the roads like streams of glowing insects, buildings stood tall against the night sky, and advertisements flickered across distant screens. Everything outside seemed alive and moving forward.
For a moment, it gave him the illusion that everything was going to be okay.
A false sense of hope.
Haru lowered his eyes.
Since being reborn, he had spent so much time believing that this life was his opportunity to do things differently. He had been given another chance, and he had promised himself that he wouldn't waste it. He would pursue what he wanted. He would build his career. He would make his own choices. He would live without allowing the mistakes of his first life to dictate the second.
But somewhere along the way, Raiven had become part of that life.
And Haru wasn't sure whether that had been his greatest blessing or the source of his greatest fear.
Sometimes he wondered if he should have pushed those feelings down when they first appeared. Maybe he should have concentrated entirely on himself. Maybe he should have refused to become so attached so quickly.
Perhaps then he wouldn't be sitting here with his chest aching every time Raiven looked distant.
Perhaps he wouldn't be terrified of watching the past repeat itself.
Because that was what frightened him most.
Haru had already died once.
He had already lost an entire life.
His reputation as Sunghoon had been destroyed. His family had mourned someone they believed was dead, never knowing that he had somehow been given another chance. Everything he had known had disappeared, leaving him to begin again in a world that felt strangely familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
He had survived that once.
He didn't know if he could survive losing everything again.
And Raiven had somehow become the brightest part of this second life.
Haru knew how easy he had it in some ways. He had a boyfriend who was famous, powerful, and capable of opening doors most people could only dream of reaching. More importantly, Raiven loved him.
God, did Raiven love him.
Haru loved him just as much.
Seeing him could brighten an ordinary day. A simple glance from across a room could make Haru feel lighter. When Raiven was beside him, the confusing cycle of his second life seemed easier to understand. His presence had become something steady, something Haru could hold onto when everything else felt uncertain.
That was why he had allowed himself to fall so quickly.
He didn't regret it.
Not for a second.
But he was scared.
Terrified, actually.
Because loving someone meant giving them the ability to hurt you.
And Haru had already lost too much.
He closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face.
He hated seeing Raiven like this.
The withdrawal. The silence. The way the apartment had slowly become unfamiliar. The untouched food. The curtains that remained closed throughout the day. The missed practices and the excuses that became increasingly difficult to believe.
Raiven kept telling him that he only needed time.
Haru wanted to believe him.
He desperately wanted to.
But watching the person he loved slowly disappear behind a wall he couldn't reach made him feel helpless.
Like he was trapped inside a room, watching the same terrible movie play again and again, unable to change the ending.
A soft weight suddenly settled over his shoulders.
Haru opened his eyes.
A blanket had been draped around him.
"It's cold," Raiven murmured.
His voice was warm despite the quietness in it.
A moment later, Raiven's arms slipped around Haru from behind, pulling him gently against his chest.
Haru didn't say anything.
He simply leaned back into him.
For the first time that night, he allowed himself to stop thinking.
Raiven rested his chin lightly against Haru's shoulder. Neither of them spoke. The city continued glowing beyond the glass, but inside the apartment there was only the warmth of Raiven's body behind him and the slow rhythm of his breathing.
Haru reached for one of Raiven's hands and held it.
His fingers tightened around his.
He needed this.
Not answers.
Not promises.
Just him.
After several quiet moments, Haru turned in his arms.
Raiven looked at him carefully.
There was something different in his expression tonight. The exhaustion was still there, and the shadows beneath his eyes hadn't disappeared, but his gaze softened when it settled on Haru.
Haru lifted a hand and touched his cheek.
Raiven didn't move away.
Instead, he leaned subtly into the touch.
Haru's heart tightened.
He moved closer until their foreheads touched.
Neither of them spoke.
Then Haru kissed him.
It was nothing like the desperate kisses they had shared before. There was no urgency to it, no attempt to demand an answer. It was slow and gentle, almost fragile.
Raiven seemed to understand immediately.
His hand moved to the back of Haru's neck, holding him there without pulling him any closer than Haru wanted.
When they separated, their faces remained close.
"You were smoking," Raiven murmured, a faint smile appearing at the corner of his mouth. "I thought you said you quit."
Haru gave him a tired look.
"Once in a while doesn't hurt."
Raiven brushed a stray strand of hair away from his forehead.
"That's what everyone says."
Haru almost smiled.
He lowered his head and rested it against Raiven's chest.
Raiven's arms closed around him again.
For a while, they simply stayed that way.
Haru could feel the steady beat of his boyfriend's heart beneath his ear.
It was strangely comforting.
Alive.
Here.
Still here.
Haru closed his eyes.
He had spent so much of the evening afraid that he was losing Raiven that he had forgotten something important.
Raiven hadn't left.
He was still sitting beside him.
Still holding him.
Still trying, even if neither of them quite knew how to navigate what was happening.
Haru didn't need to solve everything tonight.
Maybe love wasn't always about finding the right words or fixing the person standing in front of you.
Maybe sometimes it was simply sitting beside them in the dark and reminding them that they weren't alone.
His arms tightened around Raiven.
Raiven's hand moved slowly over his back.
He lifted his head again and looked into Raiven's eyes.
There was still sadness there.
Still exhaustion.
Still something Raiven wasn't ready to name.
But there was also affection.
Haru smiled faintly.
Then he kissed him once more, lingering just long enough to feel Raiven relax beneath his touch.
Whatever happened tomorrow, they could face it then.
Tonight, Haru just wanted the person he loved beside him.
The kiss slowly got deeper as they slowly moved back towards the bedroom. Raiven felt for the bed as he lay down haru following on top of him. The kiss now a bit sloppy but it was gentle.
Haru slowly straddled raiven their breathing uneven as he looked down at his boyfriend before slowly reaching out to their dresser and fishing out something.
Raiven understood instantly. He was about to shift their positions but haru held his chest down and slowly kissed him again.
They lay on the bed on their sides, their bodies against each other as haru slowly held raivens waist. His hands were cold which made raiven shiver.
He slowly lowered raivens pajamas as he placed his leg between raivens and slowly spread raivens leg on top of his using his as leverage.
He pulled raiven closer not even a whip of air could come between them. His kiss was still gentle and raivens hand was wrapped around him.
"Do you trust me?" Haru whispered.
Raiven looked at him for a moment, searching his face.
"Of course I do". Raiven whispered breathlessly.
He felt something cold on his back. His eyes opened more alert as he looked at haru.
Haru leaned in and gave him another sensual kiss reassuring him as his hand tightened around raivens bare back his shirt riding up his upper chest.
Haru raiven moaned as the realization of what haru wanted settled in.
He let himself dive back and get lost into the kiss as haru slowly instead a finger inside him. The finger slid inside slowly with the help of the lube.
He felt him squirm under him slightly and his hold tightened but he didnt protest as haru inserted the finger further inside raivens hot untouched hole.
"Okay?" Haru asked his voice a bit hoarse.
Raiven couldn't say anything but nod as he buried his head inside the croak of harus neck.
His leg dropped on harus waist tightened its hold.
He groaned as haru inserted another finger. It was all to overwhelming and foreign so much so he bite harus neck.
But haru didnt protest as he groaned and started slowly thrusting inside raiven.
Raiven felt so good.
His warm inside curled around his fingers like they were swallowing him.
He loved this.
He wanted to do this.
It wasn't about him but raiven.
He wanted to see him become undone.
It was another boundary between them, one Haru had never expected to cross. Raiven had always been the one who took care of him in moments like this. Tonight, Haru wanted to give something back.
He had crossed that line before when he let raiven consume him every second. Raiven had always been the one who unintentionally took care of him now he wanted to do something for him
He wanted to show him he was there.
He would do anything for him.
Raiven moaned into harus ear sending waves of pleasure through haru at the mare sound.
Raivens hips moved instinctively rubbing his member against harus as he moaned.
His head fell back as his hands gripped harus shoulder.
"Fuck haru!!". He cried as his head fell back further and the grip on harus shoulders tightened.
Haru continued thrusting into him going deeper with each stroke.
Raiven whimpered with each movement as he shuddered.
"Fuck I love you!!" Raiven cursed as haru inserted another finger and dug deeper inside finding his prostate.
Only haru could do this.
It wasn't simply the physical sensation that overwhelmed him. It was the trust behind it. He had allowed Haru this close, and somehow that mattered more than anything else
He had tried it once but it wasn't this. It had been painful so he never thought of it again but in the gentle hands of haru he felt like he was succumbing.
He cried out as haru continued to his his prostate.
He panted as he headed his heart racing with each sroke
Haru watched it awe at his boyfriend become undone before him.
Watching him this vulnerable tugged at his heart so much it hurt..
Please raiven moaned as he let go of harus shoulder and gripped the sheet behind him. He was still on his side his legs were now wrapped around harus waist.
Haru kissed his neck chest and arms as he continued plunging into him.
"Cum for me baby." Haru moaned encourageing him as he thrust in deeper inside him.
Raivens whimpered as he felt harus fingers hit the spot before he felt himself cum on harus pajamas.
They lay there catching their breath as haru removed his fingers.
They remained tangled together for several moments afterward, neither of them speaking.
Haru's breathing gradually slowed, but Raiven remained unusually still.
At first, Haru thought he was simply exhausted.
Then he noticed the tears.
His heart stopped.
"What's wrong?"
Raiven didn't answer immediately.
Haru pushed himself up, worry flooding his face as he searched Raiven's expression. "Did I do something wrong?"
Raiven shook his head.
"No."
His voice was barely audible.
He reached for Haru, his fingers brushing gently against his cheek before pulling him down into another kiss.
It was a simple kiss.
There was no urgency in it, no hunger. Just warmth.
Yet somehow it affected Haru.
When they separated, Raiven kept his forehead against Haru's.
A small, almost embarrassed laugh escaped him.
"I ruined your pajamas."
Haru blinked.
For a moment, he simply stared at him.
Then he let out a quiet breath, half amused and half relieved.
"That's what you're worried about?"
Raiven sniffed and looked away.
Haru couldn't help smiling.
"Don't worry about it."
He carefully pulled himself away and removed the ruined pajama top before standing.
"I'll clean you up. Just rest."
Raiven watched him move around the room, his expression strangely soft.
Haru paused beside the bed and leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss against his forehead.
"Stay here."
Raiven nodded.
Haru disappeared toward their closet, leaving Raiven alone for a moment.
The room fell quiet again.
But this time, the silence didn't feel empty.
Raiven closed his eyes.
For the first time in days, something inside his chest felt a little less heavy.
And perhaps that was why the tears had come.
Not because something was wrong.
But because someone had taken care of him.