"I killed them. I wasn't there when it mattered. It was because of me. I did everything wrong—it was my fault. They died because I was selfish. I never looked at them, never treated them the way I should have. It was all my fault. I should have done better.
I'm glad that you treat me this way, but I'd rather die than cause another death because of my stupidity. So if you don't mind… let me jump. Let me jump off this cliff and don't look back. I don't want anyone to mourn me.
Stop looking at me like I'm a person. I'm a monster. I'm nothing. I'm empty. People stab me and I don't care. Do you know how much that takes? How much that kind of thing breaks me? I'm a monster, I know. But even a monster has feelings, and I hate it. I hate that I have feelings, because the truth is they trample everyone else's. But I don't want to anymore. So much emotion… and now I don't want it anymore. I'm jumping—"
"No. Don't jump. I'm here. I'm right here. Don't jump. I love you."
She embraced him as he cried, tears falling freely.
"Are you going to do that? Are you really willing to give me a chance after everything I've done, after everything? Are you really willing to give me a second chance? Because no one will. Not in the real world. This is the cruelty of the world."
Finally, he calmed down, laying in her lap and passing out peacefully.
"When you wake up, babe, I have something for you."
I could clearly see her face now.
Her cheeks were rosy, indicating that she was blushing. Her eyes were pinkish red, and if you took a closer look, you could see bags under her eyes. It was a sign of not getting any sleep. Her hair cascaded below her waist, the color blue like the sky.
"I think you're rather beautiful. What you say doesn't define you—your actions do. That's what shows who you truly are, and what I've expressed is how I really feel about you. I love you. I love you so much. I love you dearly. I don't want you gone. If you need me, I'm right here. Sleep well, love. Don't let the bed bugs bite. I'll be right here if you turn. Don't give up, even in your sleep. I love you."
You would awake.
Leah would be stumbling.
"Are you drunk? Leah…" you would ask, but there was no reply.
I knew that she had nodded off to sleep.
"I'll wait for you either way."
I didn't know how to feel, but I couldn't let a can of beer sever our nearly formed relationship.
I awaited the sleeping princess to awaken. Her head was centered in my lap. The sleeping princess looked so peaceful as she slept.
It was around 8:00 A.M. now. I watched as she began to maneuver her eyes open.
"Good morning, sleepy head. You were asleep for at least the whole night."
"I need to go to—"
Before she could finish, throw-up poured out from her open mouth. I couldn't move her.
Now soaked in orange vomit, I turned to my side and pushed myself up from my position.
"I'm sorry," she apologized.
I looked at her and assured her that it was fine.
"Leah, so about the beer can in your closet."
"Who is Lea?"
Her eyes and words conveyed confusion. I placed a hand over my mouth as I undressed and slipped into my clothes.
It wasn't because of vomit. It was her dead eyes.
"I guess she's away, am I right?" I asked, turning around in my new clothes.
"I don't know. I'm Lillian— a bit more formal, I suppose," she said, almost exactly like Leah.
I sat down beside her and put my arm around her.
"Nothing. I just spaced out. I'm sorry if I worried you."
Lillian—I noted that her eyes seemed to convey worry, meaning that she was at least actually concerned. I decided to leave the first topic for later.
"Uh, sir, are you okay? I've been calling you for at least 20 minutes."
She patted my head, and I just laughed a tiny bit.
"Lillian, I was taking notes in my head," I said, drawing a smile from her.
I realized I had been staring at her chest.
"Would you happen to be peering under my bra top…?"
She looked at me with a cute face that showed embarrassment.
Her cheeks lit up rosy pink.
"I just thought a pair like that would be wasted on me. That's all."
I responded almost instantly, though the smile that covered my face was painful.
"I don't really understand your self-esteem—or trying to push me away. You lower yourself into the fiery gates. I don't understand your personality at all. It is fine, I suppose, though."
She smiled, continuing to pat my head.
I looked at her and forced a smile onto my face.
"Thank you."
"Lea—"
I turned my head to face the soaked clothes inside.
"I don't quite like colored shirts being paved in either." She looked at me with a smile and uttered,
"To let fluid stain your new pants is so disappointing." She scoffed.
"I might as well hand them to you if you don't prefer them washed," I said, scooping up the pants.
"No thanks. I can almost see the vile things that have been done."
She snorted her nose like a piglet.
"Very well. I would hate to disappoint you anymore. My attendance shall be accounted for through sweat and blood, Madam Lillian."
I was quick to realize that I had been role-playing in my old voice. I smiled, accounting for the memories of my friends playing together.
"Do you happen to know where the cleaning supplies would be?" I asked.
She pointed to a door next to the cabinet.
"Thank you, madam. I will cleanse spite right out of these clothes."
I walked toward the door and twisted the knob. To my surprise, it was a bathroom with shelves of cleaning supplies.
I looked for a quick and clean solution. Unfortunately, there was only bleach.
I grabbed the bottle of bleach and turned the knob to hot. I opened the solution and mixed it into the water, leaving about a tad bit inside the container. I found a rag close to the bathtub, almost like it was there to rinse off with. I reached for it and dabbed it into the water.
"Do you usually clean clothes in a female's bathtub?" she teased.
"Not female bathtubs—usually mine," I said.
"Relax a little," she chuckled. "That was supposed to be funny."
I could see Leah was wide awake now.
"Leah, you had a good sleep last night."
"I would've slept way better if I didn't wake to a man scraping his dirty pants with my rag," she said with a flip of her tongue.
"Well, I most certainly wouldn't use artilleries, and the washer is nowhere to be seen," I remarked.
I looked back at my pants. The stain was still on the crotch area.
I sighed and got to my feet before tossing the pants into a bin beside the sink.
"Celine, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but that's a garbage disposal," she said.
"Leah, it's fine. I need to discard them anyway."
I sat on the ground for a moment before rising again.