Click.
Click.
Click.
I pressed the button on my pen every few moments, causing the tip to appear and disappear repeatedly.
I was about to press it again but I stopped halfway.
'I probably shouldn't disrupt the class…'
Placing my pen down, I dejectedly gazed around the room.
I was in my first period math class since it was a Monday.
My eyes moved around, capturing everything.
Yet, I didn't really see anything.
If you asked me mere moments after I looked, or even while I was looking, what I saw, I'd say I don't know.
Because I truly didn't care for any of it at the moment.
The only person that stuck out was Shin, but that guy made me want to snarl.
In the end, I focused back on the math lesson.
After all, I didn't want to further disappoint myself like what happened on Friday.
I paid attention to what was being taught and tried completing the worksheet after the explanation.
However, for some reason, I just couldn't understand it.
I couldn't implement anything I learned in practice.
I felt stupid, idiotic, and most of all lost.
Usually, I'd be pissed but this time I didn't just feel frustrated.
I felt despair.
It was a terrible feeling.
So in that classroom, I sat tightly gripping my pencil, wallowing in self loathing.
**
Outside, I heard the birds chirping.
I saw the sun shining.
And I felt the sun's ray heat on me ever so slightly as it pierced through the window.
Inside, I heard pencils scribbling on paper.
I heard Mr. Bostav's teaching.
I heard my a few of my classmates whispering amongst each other.
And in front of me, I saw two papers.
One was a note taker sheet Mr. Bostav had provided so we could follow the lesson.
The other was homework from last week given back to me.
There was a grade written on it.
10 out of 15.
While completing the work, I was confident in all of my answers.
But looking over the questions, I got wrong, I couldn't help but question if I was in the right state.
'Damn it…'
I gritted my teeth and held back from muttering a curse.
I kept making such stupid mistakes.
It was shameful, deplorable even.
Yet, there was nothing I could do.
I was simply born to be useless.
"Are you okay?" Nishimoya, who sat next to me, asked.
I turned my head towards her.
'She probably did well, didn't she…'
Despite being born into a stable and supportive household. Despite having no physical or mental difficulties or disabilities. Despite having everything needed to succeed.
I was still a failure.
However, those around me like Nishimoya who have to deal with actual issues, still manage to succeed.
It was a shame.
"I'm fine," I said after giving her a small nod.
I tried to make the most naturally calm expression I could.
"Okay," Nishimoya said calmly before focusing back on the lesson.
Seeing this, I did the same.
**
The cafeteria was loud.
Students were getting school lunch and returned back to their tables.
Others had already sat down and were conversing with their friends.
This was normal.
Yet, for some reason, it felt louder than usual.
Perhaps it was because I wanted it to be silent.
"Elliot?" A female voice called my name.
When I turned my head, I noticed it was Soriel who spoke.
"You've been pretty silent. Is something wrong?" She asked with concern.
"I'm fine. Just thinking about something," I replied.
Nishimoya cut into the conversation energetically.
"What are you thinking about?" Nishimoya asked.
"The fastest way to blow up the school," I answered.
Nishimoya gave me a disappointed frown while Soriel showed me an awkward smile.
From there, the two assumed I was alright so they left me alone.
And I just spent my time eating and thinking.
So, my real emotions were concealed.
At least, for the time being.
**
"And so, Juliet…" Mrs. Moriel read from an excerpt from the story we're analyzing.
I listened intently to the reading whilst also conversing with Soriel every few moments.
The other students seemed to be doing the same and were relatively engaged with the lesson.
I wasn't very interested in the story particularly, but it was good enough.
And talking with Soriel seemed to have calmed me down compared to before.
All in all, it felt like it was going to be a decent period.
"In this paragraph…" Shin explained a summary of what we read after being called on by Mrs. Moriel.
Usually, Shin was so quiet in English I forgot I even shared the same class as him even though he sat next to me.
So I did find it a bit odd that he decided to speak. out.
But I was more bothered by his tone.
It was laced with arrogance, as if he perceived himself as the best in the world.
It irked me.
Anyway, class continued as usual for a while.
However, soon Mrs Moriel asked a question about the story, something I was confident I could answer.
Despite that, I got it wrong.
'What? How did I get it wrong?'
I slumped into my chair, letting annoyance get written all over my face.
"Welp, that's that. Guess I'm just an idiot then," I said self depreciatingly so Soriel could hear.
It was supposed to be just a stupid joke to make it look like I didn't take it to heart.
Unfortunately, someone else heard it as well.
"Yeah. You definitely are," Shin said with the first smile he's ever shown.
It was a small insult, an obviously petty one.
There was no reason to overreact over it. No reason to get upset.
Yet, I felt a fury spark in my heart.
Almost every time I interacted with Shin, it was a petty remark like this or some indirect insult.
Like I did something wrong to him.
Each time I didn't mention it and just let it slide.
This time, I didn't want to let it slide though.
Perhaps it was due to my earlier mood, but this comment really struck a cord.
It made me spiteful.
And at that moment, I wanted to be petty.
"Oh yeah? Me? You're that absolute moron that no one likes. The arrogant dimwit that talks crap for no reason and smells like it too. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you're a loner because everyone despises being around someone as disgusting as you? Go jump off a bridge," I retorted, imbuing unfathomable amounts of malice into every word.
Looking at me, Shin seemed appalled by my words.
His expression then contorted into one of hate and contempt.
Inside that gaze, there lingered a deep and indescribable emotion.
The moment after I spoke, I felt an immediate sense of regret.
Not because of any emotional harm I could've done, but because this could've made interactions with Shin in the future for academics more difficult.
But, there was nothing I could do.
So, I shrugged it off.
I was about to go back to focusing on class, when I felt an intense gaze fall upon me.
Turning around, I saw Soriel staring at me.
Her eyes were filled with rage.