Once again, I was in English class.
It may have been Tuesday instead of Monday, but I was in the exact same place.
I halfheartedly gazed upon the informational text we had to read.
It was only a few paragraphs and was relatively short compared to what we usually read.
But I had no motivation to read it.
Not even in the slightest.
Despite this, I obviously still read it.
Unfortunately, due to my state of mind, I didn't give the text my full attention.
That led to a thought coming up.
'Soriel…'
Remembering what happened the day before, I instinctively frowned.
'What a load of crap. He's the one who insulted me but I can't talk back?'
I spat internally.
You see, during the previous day, after I insulted Shin, I talked with Soriel after class.
And it was quite the troubling conversation.
"What is it?" I asked indifferently as Soriel and I stood face to face in the hallway.
"Please don't play dumb," Soriel said sharply.
Instinctively, I straightened my posture.
'She's never looked like that before…'
Soriel's expression was hard to describe.
It was clearly a frustrated one, but it was also one that seemed hurt.
It was a startling contraindication.
"You shouldn't have been so rude to him. Apologize to him," Soriel explained.
I glared at her.
"I should apologize? That's crap and you know it. He's the one who insulted me for no reason…" I replied apathetically.
"I know but still!" Soriel exclaimed.
A confused and annoyed look appeared on my face.
"It was a small and petty insult, you could've ignored it. You shouldn't be speaking to anyone like that! Stop being immature and be the bigger person," Soriel said.
When she said that, I once again had a spark of fury flair up in my heart.
'I'm the one being immature?! For standing up for myself?! What the hell?!'
It was like I was being belittled by an adult.
How could I not be upset?
At that moment, I wanted to hurl insults at her too.
Yet, I didn't.
I restrained myself.
"Whatever. I've got to get to class," I said and walked past her.
A part of me instantly felt regret, but I continued walking.
Leaving Soriel.
That's why, I was busy thinking about that moment now.
I looked at my paper, but every few moments I felt the urge to rip apart.
I wanted to express my anger in one way shape or form.
However, I couldn't.
I just suppressed it.
I pinched myself, and put all my attention on my school work.
Because there was nothing else I could do.
**
'It's wrong again…'
Looking at my math paper, I knew the answer was wrong.
Yet, I was too dumb to know the right answer.
I let out a silent sigh.
Intelligence may have very well been the best talent of them all.
Only a rare few actually possess it, but when they do, only themselves can stop them.
Under the right circumstances, it could take you farther than the sky and even the stars.
So it was truly a shame, I lacked it.
'There's no point…'
For a moment, I had a bit of doubt and dropped my pencil.
Yet, I picked it up again.
'Idiocy is truly the worst crime of them all.'
**
'This sucks….'
As I sat in the school cafeteria, I watched Soriel and Nishimoya converse with each other.
And since Soriel and I weren't really on talking terms, I decided not to cut in on their discussion.
But I also didn't want to bother Tristan.
So, that left me with no one to talk to.
'Ah, great. Well I can't just sit here.'
It would be too embarrassing just sitting boredly for the rest of our lunch period.
That's why I decided to look in my bag to see if I had anything interesting.
'No, no, no, definitely not. There's this pencil, lotion, the Ak-47…wait why is that there?'
Staring at the inside of my bag, I realized I had nothing interesting inside.
'Guess I'll draw then.'
With that thought, I took out a loose sleeve of paper and began drawing on it.
While I did, I allowed my thoughts to take over.
'I know Soriel is big on doing the right thing and stuff, but I can't believe she'd get so mad at me. Like I should be the one to be upse…'
At that moment, it hit me.
Why was I so upset?
**
Nothing
That's how much I was worth.
I was a leech, a parasite that fed off other's hard work.
I had no talent, no sense of purpose, no achievements worth mentioning.
Throughout my life, I had brought nothing but stress, pain, and work.
Any minute sense of joy I could've brought was instantly snuffed out by my absolute ability of messing things up.
I was dramatic, weak, stupid, and pathetic.
So why was I upset?
I already knew my own worthlessness so well, so why was I so upset?
Shin's comment was not inaccurate.
I was stupid.
In fact, I set up the joke myself.
Sure, his other comments and actions, were infuriating but it's not like I didn't deserve it.
I didn't deserve to be upset about it.
Shin just saw me for who I am.
Nothing.
No, I was worse than nothing.
I was a hypocrite.
And Soriel, I couldn't blame her either.
She had only seen me get insulted once over an insult I set up for myself.
And knowing her nature, it's natural she'd want me to apologize.
So I was in the wrong.
Like always.
I had to stop being angry.
I had to push my anger down.
Because I didn't deserve to feel that way.
Sitting in Ms. Marvel's classroom, that was the conclusion I came to.
I gazed around the room, and my eyes eventually landed on Shin.
I instinctively wanted to grit my teeth.
Yet, I didn't.
I suppressed my anger.
**
"Hey Shin."
I called out as I exited Ms. Marvel's room.
With a look of disgust, he turned around and looked at me.
"What do you want?" He replied sharply.
I looked at him in the eyes and forced my mouth to open.
"I'm…sorry."