"Put the gun down, kid, and i won't hurt you."
Lorimer frowned and rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"Put the gun down, middle aged man, and i won't hurt you." said Lorimer mockingly as he kept his DNA gun pointed at the federation fly thing
"Hey, that was uncalled fo-" before the fly alien could finish, Lorimer shot him in the chest.
The fly thing replied by firing directly at Lorimer's forehead. But nothing happened.
"What?"
"You'd think with how common lasers are, someone would make something to counter them." Said Lorimer raising a brow.
"Actually, they're common because there isn't a lot that can counter them."
"I was trying to be cool!" Lorimer groaned before shooting the fly alien once again to shut him up. Soon, the fly alien began transforming and quickly became a monkey with six arms, an eagle for a head (with wings and everything) and cone snails for hands. "Once i give you the signal, go bananas on those flies."
The six armed eagle monkey cone snail handed thing turned to Lorimer excitedly upon the mention of bananas.
"Uhh, you could have all the bananas you want after were done." Said Lorimer knowing full well the thing wouldn't survive in the end and the monkey thing trusted him with its life.
Sometimes i wonder, why couldn't i have been the narrator of Cinderella? That would've been nice. *sigh* moving on.
Lorimer pulled put a tranquilizer gun and stared at Tammy from the bathroom door.
"I need a way to get her to come here, but how?" Said Lorimer with a deep frown before an idea hit him.
He prepared his DNA gun and aimed at Tammy before shooting her in the side of the neck.
The effect was immediate as, seconds after she scratched her neck from the shot, Tammy excused herself to go to the bathroom.
Lorimer who just realized he was in the men's bathroom not the women's began panicking as he realized he messed up.
He turned to the monkey thing he made and spoke. "Go out right now and distract everyone with a Henry Stickman reference!"
The monkey eagle spider cone snail thing nodded and jumped out of the bathroom before letting out a loud noise to get everyone's attention, including Tammy who was right at the bathroom door.
The monkey began dancing a very distracting dance that instantly grabbed everyone's attention.
"What a very distracting dance." Said Birdperson calmly as he stared at the monkey.
"What even is that thing?" Asked Jerry in confusion as she stared at the dancing monkey thing.
"I know, it has an eagle for a head. Not even an eagle's head, a full eagle for a head." Added Beth raising a brow.
"Hey, better than the wedding itself." Said Rick taking a sip out of a drink.
Meanwhile, Lorimer kidnapped Birdperson's newlywed wife in the bathroom with a tranquilizer dart.
"I really need to remember that my gun can control hormones more often." Said Lorimer as he shot himself with his DNA gun, changing his appearance to that of Tammy's. "Wait...do i have to act intimate with Birdperson?"
Lorimer took a very very very very very very very deep breath before taking Tammy's communication devices.
"For the greater good."
"Birdy! Kiss me, you fool!...and don't ask anything about what I'm doing or where i am for the next hour or so!"
"Very well."
Birdperson, despite looking the same, was filled with happiness and joy that his to be wife would like to kiss him away from everyone else in the entire building
And so, Birdpersonand Lorimer disguised as Tammy shared a passionate kiss leaving Lorimer to gag in horror every time Birdperson looked away.
"What have i done." Whispered Lorimer in horror as he disappeared for a long time, contemplating the reality of what he had done as well as keeping Tammy asleep and taking some of her memories. "My first kiss, gone."
Lorimer may not be enjoying this, but i definitely am.
Time passed and it was the moment of truth. He had to make the wedding vows.
He walked together with Birdperson to the podium where Squanchy was acting as this wedding's version of a priest.
In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, the four squanches, and the nine balls, i unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! tammy, you may squanch your vows now."
Lorimer, disguised as Tammy, took a very very very very, you get the point, very deep breath before reciting the vows he stole from Tammy's memories.
"Birdperson...you are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats. i promise to be yours until your death." Said Lorimer calmly before whispering to himself. "Talk about foreshadowing."
"Nice." Said Squanchy as the crowd awwed at the vows.
"Tammy, i was approaching infertility when i met you, but there is still time. i am yours until my death."
"I now pronounce you squanch and birdperson!"
The room was filled with applause and cheers for the conclusion of the event.
But before Lorimer could just end his torment, Rick decided to make a speech.
"Uh, hi, everybody. i'm Ri*burp*ck. you know, when i first met birdperson, he was, uhh... listen, i'm not the nicest guy in the universe because i'm the smartest. and being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. now, i haven't been exactly subtle about how little i trust marriage. i couldn't make it work, and i could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? because, you know, that's exactly how we all die... alone." Rick said before pausing as his family, including Lorimer groaned at his speech. "But-but here's the thing. birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves tammy, well, then i love tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet...opening myself up to others."
Everyone cheered for Rick before everyone turned to Lorimer who was in a wedding dress sitting next to BP in a giant nest.
"I just have one thing to say to you all. I'm a secret galactic federation agent and you're all under arrest!" Said Lorimer tiredly before the room descended into chaos as federation agents poured into the building.
"Tammy? What are you-"
"Shut up, Birdperson. I'm not Tammy, but I'm showing who she really is." Whispered Lorimer causing BP to go silent.
"Everyone! Hold your fire!" Said Lorimer in a monotone voice tiredly. "One, two, three- eh, should be enough. GO BANANAS!"
SUDDENLY! THE ICONIC SOUND OF AN EAGLE'S...SOUND FILLED THE ROOM! THE MONKEY EAGLE CONE SNAIL SPIDER THING APPEARED AND TOOK OUT ALL THE AGENTS IN THE ROOM WITH ITS CONE SNAIL VENOM.
OH, S*T. I LEFT CAPS LOCK ON. EH, TOO LATE. GOTTA MAKE THIS LOOK INTENTIONAL NOW.
LORIMER THEN GOT A CALL ON TAMMY'S WATCH! HE ANSWERED! AND! IT! WAS! A FLY GENERAL ALIEN THING!
"TAMMY! WHAT ARE YOU-"
"I've betrayed you, I'm criminal now. put a bounty on my head and never let me anywhere federationy again." SAID LORIMER CALMLY!
"YOU BET YOUR ASS I W-" LORIMER DIDN'T LET HIM FINISH BEFORE HE CALMLY DESTROYED THE WATCH.
ONCE ALL FEDERATION EYES WERE OFF OF HIM, LORIMER TOOK OFF HIS ELABORATE DISGUISE BY SHOOTING HIMSELF WITH HIS DNA GUN!
EVERYONE GASPED IN SHOCK AS LORIMER TIREDLY GOT DOWN FROM THE GIANT NEST!
"Wait, were you...?"
"We take it to the grave BP." BIRDPERSON WENT SILENT, AGREEING WITH LORIMER BEFORE THE TEEN TURNED TO THE GUESTS! "Also, your ex girlfriend is in the bathroom. Don't raise so many death flags saying till you die next time." HE SAID BEFORE TURNING TO THE CROWD!
"Everyone! Tammy was part of the galactic federation and i ruined her career. Anyone want to go topple an intergalactic government out of sheer spite with me?"
"Lorimer, how did you even know Tammy was a spy?" ASKED BETH IN CONFUSION!
"I'll tell you...IF you agree to have us go end the federation." SAID LORIMER CALMLY!
"Or...we can just go back home?" SUGGESTED SUMMER!
"Nope, it's currently being invaded by the federation." SAID LORIMER BLUNTLY!?
""""WHAT?!"""" EXCLAIMED THE ENTIRE SMITH FAMILY INCLUDING MORTY JR WHO THE NARRATOR DEFINITELY DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT!
"We have to go."
BETH RELUCTANTLY NODDED AND LORIMER SMILED KNOWING THAT HE WAS GOING TO KILL WHOEVER MADE HIM KISS BIRDPERSON!
I'M NOT LIVING IT DOWN, LOL!
"But really, how DID you find out about Tammy?"
"*inhale* *exhale* Your entire life is f*king lie."