"So you mean to tell us that our entire world is just an adult animated TV show with a toxic fanbase?" Asked Beth calmly with the horror clear in her eyes.
"Yep." Deadpanned Lorimer. "The show's called Rick and Morty."
"Wait! You mean when i talk about seasons or episodes or whatever, I'm just doing a s*tty forth wall break?!" Asked Rick angrily and Lorimer just nodded only for his grandfather to yell in rage. "F*k!"
"Any other questions before we go topple a galactic federation of sentient flies?" Asked Lorimer with a deep frown. "And raise your hands first and no obvious questions. We gotta do this fast."
Jerry raised his had slowly.
"You only exist as comic relief, dad. Just don't bother." Deadpanned Lorimer causing Jerry to softly whine.
Summer raised her hand and Lorimer gave her a nod of affirmation.
"If our lives are a cartoon, do we, like, have voice actors and stuff?" Asked Summer curiously.
"That's how it works, yes." Deadpanned Lorimer.
"So who voices me?" Asked Summer taking an arrogant pose.
"I don't know." Said Lorimer bluntly, getting a glare from his sister. "Look, i only know that Rick and Morty share a voice actor."
"Wait, what?" Asked Rick in confusion.
"Really?" Asked Morty in shock.
"What kind of cheap-"
"The guy's also the co-creator of the show, Justin Roiland. So you're voiced by god." Deadpanned Lorimer.
Rick went silent for a few seconds still in an aggressive stance.
"Still cheap." He muttered.
"Woah! I'm voiced by god!" Exclaimed Morty in awe.
"At least tell me the show has good reviews." Said Rick crossing his arms.
"It does...except season 5."
"What happens in season 5?" Asked Jerry raising a brow.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jerry is asking a very good question." Added Rick in a serious tone.
Lorimer rolled his eyes and ignored the question. "Anyway, Lorimers don't exist in the show and now you know the difference between R-Lorimers and M-Lorimers. No more questions, let's go!"
"Wait! If Lorimers don't exist in the show, that means you changed the plot of the episode. What happened in the original that made you change it?" Asked Beth worriedly.
Lorimer groaned with the power of a thousand kids waiting for their mothers to finish talking on the phone after she'd been talking for 37 minutes.
"Tammy kills Birdperson and rebuilds him as a powerful cyborg who will try to kills us. I don't want to fight powerful cyborg Birdperson for obvious reasons."
It was at this moment, Birdperson realized that the real Tammy was missing. He looked around frantically before turning to Lorimer.
"Tammy, where is she?" He asked worriedly.
"Out cold in the men's bathroom. Which reminds me, Rick-" said Lorimer getting Rick's attention as Birdperson went to grab Tammy. "Can you go get your memory eraser? I'm not having her dramatically stand behind me with a gun pointed at the back of my head. Is she behind me doing that?"
The whole smith shook their heads.
"Good. Rick, why are you not bringing a memory eraser? We need to get rid of every memory Tammy has of the federation because Birdperson can't get over his crush on his ex girlfriend."
"That's a horrible way to say love for his wife." Said Summer with a deep frown as Rick brought the memory eraser with his portal gun.
And as if on que, Birdperson arrived with Tammy in a princess carry. He knew what had to be done.
xxXxx
"Alright, what's the plan?" Asked Rick calmly as he drove a large ship heading towards the headquarters of the federation with the smith family plus BP, the spider monkey eagle thing, Tammy and Squanchy inside.
They had to steal a bigger ship or else everyone wouldn't fit.
"We break in and destroy the federation by turning a one into a zero." Replied Lorimer with a deep frown.
"Eh, easy enough." Shrugged Rick understanding what Lorimer meant.
"How would turning a one into a zero destroy everything?" Asked Beth in confusion.
"And what's a federation?"
"You'll understand when we get there, sweetie. Not you, Tammy, i meant my daughter. A-*burp*anything else?"
Lorimer put a hand on his chin and thought about what to do next.
"Well, in the show you ram the citadel of Ricks into the federation, but that kinda just helps someone who wants to kills us down the road. So, just say some good stuff about McDonalds' Mulan szechuan sauce."
"Oh, it's f*king delicious." Said Rick with a grin. "Shame they don't sell it anymore."
Before another word could be said, the ship shook and a large fleet federation space ships flew by.
"Looks like we're under attack." Said Rick frowning at the sight of the giant fleet. "Strap in, everyone, this is gonna be a rought one.
"Surrender now or we'll attack indiscriminately!" Announced the leader of the fleet angrily.
"Let me handle this." Lorimer stopped his grandfather before pulling out the ship's communications device.
"What are you doing?" Asked Summer raising a brow.
"Fanning the flames." Said Lorimer calmly bef shouting in the communications device, sending the message to the whole fleet. "IT'S PRONOUNCED 'JIF'!"
The smith family plus BP and Tammy couldn't believe their eyes, even i, the narrator was shook. Not even five seconds later chaos ensued and the fleet began destroying itself as they all bravely fought for what they believed to be the true pronunciation.
"What just happened?" Asked Jerry in shock.
"How the f*k did that work?" Added Rick in confusion.
"Controversy is the gateway to the hills that people will willingly die on." Said Lorimer calmly. "Also, cartoon logic."
Everyone in the ship agreed to the second explanation and thought it made sense.
And with no fleet to stop them, they all made it safely to the federation's headquarters.
Honestly, as a narrator, i have never seen such a massacre before.
Morty jr was left in the ship which usually would be a crime, but most vehicles aren't equipped to kill.
As soon as they snuck inside the giant vessel floating in the middle of nowhere with guns in their hands, they destroyed every camera on the way.
Eventually, they reached a hallway leading to a large room. They all stopped, expecting an ambush.
"Monkey, it's your time." Said Lorimer in a serious tone.
The spider monkey cone snail eagle thing turned to Lorimer with a expectant eyes.
"I don't have bananas right now. If you want some, we can use their corpses after you kill them." Said Lorimer with a frown.
The thing's eyes lit up before it jumped into the room with reckless abandon, shooting everything around it.
It took down everyone in the room, but sadly it fell with them.
"Oh no! Spider monkey cone snail eagle!" Exclaimed Summer in shock as she ran for the creature. "Don't give up, we can still save you."
"No, we can't." Deadpanned Lorimer. "I play by nuzlock rules, Summer. Your emotions mean nothing to the nuzlock! Have you even played a single Pokemon game?"
Lorimer didn't wait for Summer to reply before he shot one of the dead fly soldiers and turned them into a laserproof werebear that breathes fire. The bear immediately set the monkey's corpse on fire and turned it to ash.
Lorimer ignored her and turned to Rick.
"Rick, Morty, Tammy and Birdperson, turn the one into a zero. I have federation leaders to kill with mom, dad and Squanchy." Said Lorimer calmly with a frown. "Summer, you can keep mourning or come with us."
Summer frowned before reluctantly going with Lorimer as the other group went to destroy the federation's economy.
After many murders and broken doors, the smith family save for Rick, Morty and Morty Jr made it to the office of the head honcho of the federation.
Inside the office was the fly himself, the general who was in charge of Tammy and some other guys.
"Who are y-" Lorimer didn't wait before he shot everyone in the room except the two who Lorimer wanted to suffer.
The two watched in horror as the office was soaked in fly alien blood. And after everyone else was gone, Lorimer slowly approached the general and President.
The general shot him with a laser gun, but to no avail.
"W-who are you?!"
"You two took away my dignity." Lorimer as he shot the general's gun out of his hand with a furious expression.
"Do you know how little that narrows it down?!"
"I don't even know who you are!" Added the fly alien President.
Lorimer didn't reply and instead snapped his finger before the werebear arrived and was ready to torture some bugs.
"Man i wonder what they did to squanch him up this much." Said Squanchy raising a brow.
Beth shrugged and Jerry followed her as Summer mourned spider monkey thing. They all collectively ignored the screams of pain and agony coming from the last bit of the federation.
And as Rick destroyed the federation even further, there was only one thing left to do...
Finish Birdperson's wedding.
"Alright, let's do this again. In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, the four squanches, and the nine balls, i unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! Tammy, you may squanch your vows now."
Tammy walked closer to Birdperson and spoke.
"Birdperson...you are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats. i promise to be yours until your-"
"Don't you DARE raise death flags here! I didn't save this wedding to get s*ty foreshadowing!" Exclaimed Lorimer angrily.
"Oh...uh, until death." Said Tammy ith a smile.
"Tammy, i was approaching infertility when i met you, but there is still time. i am yours until my-" said Birdperson before feeling a burning glare from Lorimer. "*clears throat* until death."
"I now pronounce you squanch and Birdperson!" Exclaimed Squanchy cheerfully before the smith family clapped for the couple standing on the federation's leader's desk.
It was a happy ending, right? Perhaps right here, but elsewhere...
Meanwhile, in the citadel of Ricks.
"The Citadel hasn't been destroyed. He changed the story."
"Then let's put it back on course. We already planned for this."
"*sigh* i was hoping we wouldn't have to resort to this, but i guess we have no choice. Let's give the citadel an enemy it can't fight"