"Holy FUCKING cow," I said out loud. 'That RNGesus bastard must be rolling in laughter right now.'
But I wasn't the only one in shock.
The entire fight stopped for a single moment.
Every single combatant froze mid-motion, Omni-Man included, stopped.
For one perfect, absurd moment, the massacre paused because nobody knew what to make of the blessed bovine that had just materialized in the middle of their battle.
Then they went right back to fighting.
War Woman was the first to resume attack, centuries of warrior instinct overriding confusion. Her mace crackling with divine lightning as she swung at Omni-Man's chest. The impact sent him stumbling back, and I heard something crack- ribs, maybe? The mace left a scorched imprint on his costume, and underneath I could see skin already bruising purple.
Red Rush became a crimson blur again. Each punch hit Omni-Man's chest with the force of a sledgehammer, thousands of impacts per second, the sound like a machine gun. Fabric from the sheer speed and repetition added up. Omni-Man's chest was covered in burn marks, the fabric of his suit disintegrating under the assault.
Darkwing pulled devices from his utility belt and hurled them in precise arcs. The explosives detonated against Omni-Man's back, with enough force to crack the floor beneath him.
But it was useless.
Finally, Aquarus raised both hands and sent a torrent of high-pressure water with enough force behind it to cut steel.
I tried to use Call to Arms again to summon something - ANYTHING - useful.
But the ability was on cooldown for twenty-four hours.
I was stuck with a holy cow.
Before I could even process what to do, Omni-Man appeared in front of me suddenly. He grabbed my cow by the horn, turned it around, and used it as a shield against Aquarus's water torrent.
'NO! MY HOLY COW!'
It might have been useless, but it was still MY cow! Not to mention the blasphemy Nolan just committed, using a blessed animal as a meat shield.
The high-pressure water tore through the animal like tissue paper. I watched in horror as the Holy Cow was shredded in seconds, as the water pressure was so intense it turned the poor thing into chunky salsa. Blood and meat chunks splattered everywhere, some even sticking to my expensive stolen suit.
The water below us turned thick crimson.
My stomach lurched. Bile rose in my throat. I'd seen death, but that was my own. Watching an innocent animal torn apart because I'd summoned it into a warzone made me want to vomit.
Then I felt angry.
The five-minute cooldown for switching abilities started ticking.
So, I switched out Impulse and slotted in Blademaster.
I poured whatever calories I had left into creating a silver energy sword with its blade as thin as possible.
"Huh, looks like those forced fencing lessons would come in handy after all, dear Father," I muttered, remembering the expensive tutors my family had hired.
Omni-Man was turned away from me, focused on the Guardians.
Seeing my chance, I thrust my silver sword toward his back.
He suddenly turned.
Threw the Holy Cow's carcass aside.
Grabbed my neck in one hand and lifted me off the ground, choking me before I even realized what was happening.
I couldn't breathe. His grip was like an iron vice, crushing my windpipe.
My hands clawed at his fingers uselessly
Omni-Man looked me in the eyes with absolute hatred. Irrational and all-consuming hatred.
His face covered in cow blood and worse.
Oh.
Oh fuck!
The curse had chosen HIM. Omni-Man. A Royal Viltrumite who I just happened to have come across on DAY FUCKING ONE OF BEING IN THIS VERSE!! THANK YOU RNGESUS. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.
And it just HAD imbued him with ABSOLUTE HATRED toward me specifically.
"Who are you, bug? Was it you who alerted them? I've never wanted to kill anyone more in my entire life."
His voice was raw yet clinical. He was asking the same way you'd ask someone for directions. The disconnect between the casual tone and the fact that he was actively strangling me made it worse somehow.
Before he could continue, War Woman's mace struck him from behind, the divine weapon connecting with his skull and snapping his neck to the side hard enough that I heard something crack.
In that single moment, that split-second when his grip loosened from the shock, I poured all the energy I had and more into lengthening and sharpening my blade.
The silver energy extended rapidly towards his bruised chest, where I heard his ribs crack and to both our surprise, it actually CUT through the Viltrumite's skin.
His Blood finally trickled, not a lot mind you, just a thin red line. But I made him bleed.
"GET OFF ME, YOU TRASH AUTHOR!" I screamed as he threw me with more than enough force to decorate the walls with my insides.
Green Ghost swept in and grabbed me, turning us both intangible to negate the damage, as Darkwing used the distraction to throw more bombs.
My blade dispersed as soon as my energy depleted, but the damage was done. I'd actually wounded Omni-Man. Not much, just a cut along his ribs, but it was bleeding.
He looked down at his side. Saw his blood for probably the first time in decades, maybe centuries, that was rare even for him, and RAGE finally flooded his features.
Green Ghost was keeping us intangible, but I knew she couldn't maintain it indefinitely. The ability had limits.
Omni-Man saw that I was protected and turned his attention to the Immortal instead.
And that's when the real massacre began.
He flew at the Immortal faster than I could track; the sonic boom alone shattering nearby equipment. The ancient warrior tried to block and deflect, but Omni-Man grabbed him mid-punch and did a devastating 'Superman punch' directly through the Immortal's torso. I heard bones break, organs rupture, and the wet crunch of a body breaking.
The Immortal's eyes widen in shock.
Then Omni-Man pulled his arm sideways through the body, bisecting the man in from sternum to spine.
The Immortal's top half fell one way. His legs fell another.
And the worst part, the poor man was STILL ALIVE.
Omni-Man picked up the Immortal's top half and threw it like a baseball.
Directly at Aquarus.
The King of Atlantis didn't have time to dodge.
The supersonic impact of the Immortal's corpse against Aquarus the collision transferring enough kinetic energy to turn the Atlantean into red smear against the wall.
Second fatality.
Green Ghost saw this and screamed. She let go of me to try and save her teammates, and the moment I became tangible again, I stumbled and fell face-first onto the metallic floor.
I'd burned every single calorie in my body constructing and extending that blade. My body was running on empty. Not to mention being dirty and covered in blood slowed down my recovery.
My vision was blurry mess of colors and shapes, and when I reached up to adjust my glasses, I realized they'd shattered when I hit the floor.
Great. Now I was half-blind, exhausted, and in the middle of a slaughter.
I could still make out the large mass of red and white flying around. Could still see sprays of blood flying through the air as Omni-Man systematically dismantled Earth's greatest heroes.
Just shapes and sounds and the overwhelming copper smell of blood.
He turned toward me as I saw the red and white blur shift direction and felt the weight of his attention pressing on me.
Fuck.
"You," he said, his voice rough and breathing shallow, "A fucking HUMAN cut through Viltrumite skin. Do you understand how humiliating that is?"
I tried to summon the energy to run, to do something, but my body was empty. I'd burned everything on that one attack.
"I'm going to pull your spine out through your throat," he said. "Slowly. Very slowly, as I savor it more than anything I've ever done."
He was moving slower - the fight had fucked him up more than he wanted to admit.
'Nakime,' I thought desperately. 'Open a gate! NOW!'
I saw the tatami door begin to materialize below me, wood grain forming from nothing as I heard the biwa string start to pluck.
Omni-Man's eyes locked onto it.
He broke into a run.
Then flight.
Moving toward me faster than I could follow.
"NAKIME! TRAP!" I screamed.
Another tatami gate opened between Omni-Man and me just as he was finger's-length away.
And Omni-Man, so consumed by curse-driven hatred that he couldn't think straight, so exhausted his judgment was completely out the window, couldn't and wouldn't even think about slowing himself because, he was so absolutely OBSESSED with killing me that nothing else mattered, flew straight through.
Into my Infinity Castle.
Into my safe space.
No. No no no NO—
I gave Nakime mental orders as fast as I could think them.
'Rearrange the castle into an Infinite Maze! Change it to hold extremely strong and extremely fast enemy! Hold him off as long as you can! Prioritize YOUR safety! Don't let him find…'
The final thing I heard was a ding…
As I passed out from exhaustion.
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