Guardians of the Globe Tryouts
[RexSplode's POV]
My heart was bruised, and honestly, my body wasn't doing much better. My ego was pretty fucked too.
Eve had dumped me. Well, not officially dumped. But the whole 'I need space' thing was basically the same, right? And the accusation. The look on her face when I'd said she had feelings for Mark. Like I'd slapped her. Maybe I had been out of line. Maybe I was just a jealous asshole. Maybe I was projecting ...
Nope. Not thinking about that. Focus on the try-outs.
We were gathered in one of the massive underground training arenas at the Pentagon.
Robot was hovering near the center, observing the massive line of D-list and C-list heroes who had shown up to try and claim a spot on the new Guardians roster.
Now I admit some of them looked promising. But most of them looked like they bought their costumes on Amazon and called it a day.
"Thank you all for showing up to these tryouts," Robot announced, his voice echoing off the reinforced concrete.
I looked around. Eve wasn't here. Neither was Invincible.
'Huh, I did have something to worry after all….'
But what was here made me question if someone had slipped hallucinogens into my morning coffee.
Standing right in the middle of the anxious heroes was a guy split perfectly diagonally in metallic silver and bright blue. He had no face or mouth, just a smooth, featureless surface where a head should be, and was wearing a massive, glowing Pepsi logo right on his chest. He was just walking around calmly, pushing a grocery cart full of sodas, the wheels squeaking against the reinforced floor, holding out cans to terrified vigilantes.
"Pepsi?" he asked in a cheerful corporate voice. The kind used in commercials.
"Okay, seriously, what the hell is the walking vending machine doing here?" I laughed, pointing at him. "Did corporate sponsorship buy a slot on the team? Are we gonna have to wear Prime logos on our suits? Is this what we've come to?"
WHAM.
Dupli-Kate drove her knee directly into my chest, knocking the wind out of me. "Shut up, Rex," she hissed, glancing nervously around.
Robot turned to us, his eyes focusing on me. "Director Cecil personally recommended Pepsi-Man for these tryouts due to his... unique circumstances and highly classified origins."
Well. That answered nothing and raised a dozen new questions. But fine. Mystery mascot it was.
Then the sparring started. It was mostly pathetic, right until Pepsi-Man was matched up against some bruiser calling himself 'Two-Punch Man.'
[Image Here]
Two-Punch Man cracked his knuckles, the sound echoing like gunshots, charged forward, and swung a massive, glowing fist right at the mascot's head. The air displaced around his punch, creating a visible shockwave.
Pepsi-Man didn't even adopt a fighting stance. He just tilted his faceless head, unhinged his arm at lightning speed, extending like it was on a hydraulic piston, moving faster than my eyes could track, and forcefully jammed an ice-cold, frozen can of Pepsi directly into the guy's mouth.
CRACK.
The sound was wet, crunchy and absolutely disgusting.
Two-Punch Man's jaw literally hit the floor as he collapsed to the ground, gagging on carbonated sugar, aluminum, and bone fragments.
Blood poured from his mouth, mixing with Pepsi. The can was lodged in there deep. He was making this horrible choking sound as he tried to breathe around the obstruction.
The arena went dead silent before someone whispered "holy shit."
It would have been the funniest gag I'd ever seen if the guy wasn't currently choking on damn cola. Several GDA medics immediately rushed the floor to save the poor bastard with emergency equipment, one of them barking into a radio for backup, while Pepsi-Man just stood there, offering a second can to the medics. "Pepsi?"
Causing the poor medics to shudder.
After they'd extracted the can, stopped the bleeding, wired the guy's jaw shut, and carted him off to medical,
After the blood was mopped up, Robot finally called us all to the center.
"The new roster is decided," Robot announced with no fanfare or build-up.
'That's just so Robot.' I mused as he continued.
"I will be joining, alongside Rex-Plode, Dupli-Kate, Pepsi-Man, Black Samson, Shrinking Rae, and Monster Girl."
I burst out laughing, pointing at the so-called 'Monster Girl'.
She was literally a tiny, grumpy-looking child. Couldn't have been more than four feet tall and had this perpetual scowl like the world had personally offended her.
[Image Here]
"Her? Are you serious? I'm more afraid of the corporate soda mascot than I am of this kid! What, is there a minimum dick-size requirement for the team now?"
Monster Girl narrowed her eyes. "Are you volunteering to be the measuring stick?" Her voice was high-pitched, making it all the more absurd.
"Oh, you little brat!" I snarled, holding up my hand as my fingers sparked with bright orange explosive energy.
Before I could even throw a blast, she shifted. Her skin turned a sickly green, her muscles bulging and ripping through the air until a massive, hulking troll that had to be eight feet tall and built like a tank stood over me.
BAM. BAM.
She hit me twice, fast and hard, sending me skidding across the concrete.
"Take that, you little shit!" she roared.
Her voice was deep now. Deeper than even me.
I was on the white floor that was now covered in dripping blood.
'Is this my…. Motherfucker, not my nose again!'
"You're dead!" I yelled, jumping up from the floor and tossing a handful of charged explosive discs right at her chest.
The blasts went off with a massive BOOM, consuming her completely, but the smoke cleared, and she didn't even have a scratch on her.
'Damn! her hide's too thick.'
As she raised her massive green fist to squash me into paste, Black Samson stepped in between us. "Hey! Cut it out, both of you!"
Monster Girl just grabbed Samson by the suit and hurled him across the arena like a ragdoll.
"Hey…green dick! The team Jackass seat is already taken!" I yelled.
My brain wasn't working right. I was full of adrenaline and spite.
I charged up all of explosive sticks and threw them with perfect aim, tracking her movement, leading the target, and detonating them directly into her massive monster-crotch.
The explosion was massive. Bigger than I'd meant as the shockwave blew out windows in the observation booth
'ooh…I might have gone too far.'
The concussive force lifted her off the ground. She went airborne, tumbling ass-over-teakettle and hit the floor hard and instantly shrank back down into her human form, groaning in pain.
The entire arena was silent. Kate was staring at me with horror. Samson was trying to stand up, leaning against the wall. Shrinking Rae had her hand over her mouth. Even Robot seemed stunned, his mechanical eyes frozen mid-whir.
Then someone started slow-clapping. Pepsi-Man. The bastard was applauding. "Pepsi?" he offered cheerfully.
"Okay, okay! I yield!" she wheezed. She sat up, rubbing her head, and looked at me. Her eyes were watering. "Look... I'm sorry I hit you. I just get really pissed off when people call me a kid. People have been calling me kid my whole adult life and I'm so fucking tired of it." She wiped her eyes quickly, trying to hide it. "And... sorry about the dick joke."
"Yeah, well... whatever," I grumbled, rubbing my bruised nose. Again!
That was gonna be a fun medical visit.
Robot floated down. "As you can see, Monster Girl is highly capable. And Rex will be a valuable asset once he learns impulse control."
"IF he learns impulse control," Kate muttered under her breath.
"When the forensic investigations conclude, we will be moving into the old Guardians' headquarters," Robot continued, pulling up a holographic schedule. "Training begins at 0500 hours daily."
"Five AM?!" I complained loudly. Five in the fucking morning. Was he insane? Just cause robots don't need sleep, so they assumed humans didn't either? "We don't even need that much training! We're already pros!"
"You are no longer the Teen Team, Rex," Robot stated coldly.
"He's right. You need experience, kid," Black Samson added, limping over, still recovering from being thrown into a wall.
'Shut up asshole!' I screamed internally, all these things, my fight with Eve, the Invasion, this try-out and that punch from the kid getting my nose broken AGAIN, it all just piled up until I couldn't think straight and adrenaline took over.
"Oh, rich coming from the guy who lost his powers," I sneered, my bruised ego talking faster than my brain. The words were out before I could stop them. "If you weren't a baseline human now, maybe you could've actually helped the past Guardians on their last day."
I saw his face change. Too late to take it back now
Samson's face darkened first then fury took over. "Watch your damn mouth, boy." He turned his glare to Robot. "And as for you, this team needs a real leader. Someone they can look in the eye, not a walking calculator of ones and zeros. Someone who understands what it means to bleed. To sacrifice. To lose." His voice was getting louder, the bitterness pouring out. "I should be calling the shots."
"Why?" I mocked; apparently I couldn't shut the fuck up when I was on a roll "So you can aggressively do paperwork at the villains? Bore them to death with stories about the good old days when you were actually useful? Why are we even putting up with this powerless boomer?"
'What am I even saying? Shut up please!'
"Because a team requires actual teamwork," Shrinking Rae finally piped up, glaring at me. "And from where I'm standing, you're the weakest link."
"Indeed," Robot agreed. "Dismissed."
Everyone started filtering out of the arena. Samson walked past Robot, sarcastically clapping the metal chassis. The sound rang out, metallic. "Congratulations on the promotion, tin can."
As the room emptied, Monster Girl stayed behind, looking up at Robot. "Look, I can't do three combat exercises a day. My body can't handle it."
"I need this team fully operational immediately," Robot replied flatly.
"You don't get it!" she snapped, her voice trembling slightly. "Whenever I transform... I get younger. I'm actually a grown woman. I used to go by Monster Woman! If I keep shifting for training, I'm going to turn back into a toddler!"
Robot's mechanical eyes whirred. "I... apologize. I was unaware of the curse placed upon you. I sympathize with your condition."
"Yeah, right," she scoffed bitterly, turning her back on him. "There is absolutely no way a robot could ever understand what it's like to be trapped in a body you hate."
She walked out, leaving Robot floating in silence.
Over in the corner, Pepsi-Man stood completely still next to his shopping cart. He slowly lowered his head, his silver shoulders drooping dramatically in sadness because nobody had asked him for a Pepsi after the fight.
[A/N]: Drop them stones if you don't want Pepsi-Man to be sad.
Also, why don't you go out and drink a pepsi in his name?
Support my work and get early access to 10+ advance chapters, exclusive content, and bonus material at my P@treon - Max_Striker.
If you wanna hang out, join my Discord server- https://discord.gg/XxGEYk2PM5