[ON-TOPIC] Hiatus, serious talk.
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Tue 8:25 AM
35
This is going to be a very honest conversation between you and me. And it can be very uncomfortable to read.
Do you remember the last off-topic I posted? I don't know if you usually read them, but there is some very relevant information. In that off-topic, I was indirectly trying to find my purpose with writing. I closed with the point "I would only stop writing when I didn't see a purpose in continuing this behavior."
And you have no idea how much this stuck in my head, because I could no longer see a clear purpose.
What made me write.
When I started writing, I had a clear purpose: I wanted to learn English. I wrote, analyzing each sentence carefully and seeing if I had good grammar, and the positive feedback influenced me to continue.
On top of this main objective, "Learn English", other objectives emerged. I stopped drawing and focused completely on writing, because I saw clear potential. "I seem to have the knack for it. Investing seems like a good idea."
So besides "learning English", I had another goal: "explore my potential". So both of my books had some repercussions. My other book, even though it only had a few chapters, brought many readers in love with the story, which was honestly a surprise for me.
The creative process.
My creative process has never been smooth. It took me a long time to write a single chapter. It took me hours to write the prologue and chapter 1. When I posted, I had a stock of about 10 chapters, and it was reached quickly. But even though I complained about mental fatigue, I didn't care and continued writing, because I had a clarity of purpose.
I knew that I had potential to explore, and I knew that my English was advancing more than ever. And so I continued writing regardless of the expense of this activity. Over time, the headaches reduced, over time writing became easier, and the amount I wrote increased. I was getting used to it.
But then a problem happened. After a year of writing, I noticed that I am now able to understand any text in English, and I am able to communicate minimally. So I lost one of my purposes: "learning to speak English".
The remaining purpose.
With that, there was only one purpose left: to explore my potential. This is what made me write several times again. Of course, I love feedback and the community, but I have a rule that purpose must always come from within, regardless of external validation. So officially, my purpose was to explore my potential.
Every time I came back, I tested a new method. I noticed that I write faster in first person than in third person, and I changed my method. I defined a writing routine and wrote more frequently. Later, I burned out due to creative pressure and took a hiatus.
I felt guilty because it was an unannounced hiatus. It was building up so much stress that I just stopped. What followed was not very positive. I was extremely unmotivated and could barely get out of bed. I felt like I had used so much energy that I could barely apply it to my work, and the guilt was consuming me.
Recovery and healthy routine.
After a while, it was as if I had finally recovered. A month and a half passed, and I slept better and was able to study. I even went to the cinema with my family to watch "Thunderbolts" or "The New Avengers". So with a more up-to-date routine and concerns handled, I started to miss writing.
I got irritated reading some stories, superficial developments, and nothing that really pleased me. I read several chapters until I came across a Korean novel that made me laugh, and I became addicted after a long time. Reading that novel, I thought, "I want this, I want to write like this author".
I was very inspired and had a goal. I wanted to explore my potential to the fullest.
The renewed return.
After feeling a genuine desire to write, I started writing at a much greater pace again. So I took another hiatus and came back. Now, today. I'm completely capable of writing whether I want to or not; there's no shortage of ideas, and I could write a chapter right now without any problems.
My routine is much better. I'm going to the gym, I'm eating healthy food, I have many fewer negative habits, and I've stopped playing games and reading excessively. But after the last off-topic, I felt a huge void in my chest when I wrote that last line.
"I write to see my potential, but is it worth the cost?" When I'm having a creative problem, it affects all areas of my life, and even now, when I write less, I don't genuinely feel like writing. Normally, this never mattered much; pleasure for me was always optional, the most important thing was wanting, but at some point, I stopped wanting.
Putting the purpose in measure.
Today I've had this on my mind for a week. I started to fall back into negative habits as my anxiety grew. I read more than 800 chapters in the last week at an absurd pace because I didn't dare face a fundamental, extremely uncomfortable issue until this very moment.
"If I didn't have a Patreon, if I didn't have a commitment, would I still write?" The answer was very clear, "No." Because my main purpose has been achieved, and regardless of the potential I reach, it does not compensate for the burden and mental instability that writing brings me.
I fundamentally noticed that I no longer had a reason to write. My lack of motivation was due to a lack of purpose. I no longer knew why I was writing when rationally my brain told me that there was no longer a reason to continue that behavior.
Responsibility moves me.
And then, feeling empty inside, I started writing part two of the next chapter. I knew exactly what to write and had no difficulties. Apart from the fact that I was staring at the screen for a long time, trying to follow the first step. The chapter then concluded. I felt empty.
Writing hurts at first, but it's fun in the process. The comments are pleasant, and the plot interests me. But why do I feel so empty?
"Because I don't know why I keep doing this."
Am I writing out of responsibility for the community I've built and the readers I appreciate, or am I writing to see potential in the writing?
Responsibility made me write that last part. However, it brought to light a harsh reality: I am capable of doing this, but I see no reason to do it other than to write for my readers. The problem is that this violates a basic value I defined for myself from the beginning: "purpose must always come from within, regardless of external validation."
So renew your purpose, right?
That was the conclusion I reached. If I don't see a purpose, create another one. That's what I did yesterday, but it didn't work out very well.
"Write, you're good at it. How about trying an original book and taking it more seriously?"
Even with potential, I don't want to take writing as work. It's a more exhausting activity than my current job, and the emotional imbalances it brings me on a bad day aren't worth it. If I write an hour a day and these are the results, imagine writing for 8 hours? Not for me. Besides, money doesn't move me much.
How about writing to make myself better? I love improving myself. I'm learning drawing too, imagine what a great combo that would be!
Learning two activities at the same time as a hobby is very uncomfortable for me, especially if one is used to compensate for the other. Furthermore, I feel that this purpose was created just to continue writing and does not fundamentally solve the problem of no longer seeing a purpose in writing.
Write, your readers are waiting for it! At least finish the first book, and then don't even write anymore...
Writing the first book would take a long time, years, and there is nothing more painful than continuing with an activity whose purpose is not clear or motivating. Rationally, it doesn't make sense if it doesn't bring me financial or emotional return.
Expectation: I could write for 2 or 6 months at most before making a drastic decision.
This is my current state of mind.
The reason for all the problems is purpose. I don't see a clear purpose to sustain this habit at this point in my life. For many, a hobby only needs to be enjoyable, but if that were the case for me, I would never have started writing. I write for purpose and meaning.
Engaging readers is good and enjoyable, and I love the community, but that doesn't justify the burden this habit brings. Without purpose, I don't see myself capable of continuing. Therefore, for the first time, I explicitly declare an indefinite hiatus. Not because I neglected this aspect of my mind and suffered burnout, but because I dared to analyze my thoughts and reach this conclusion.
I have always written each chapter with passion and strong emotions. I put my effort and care into it. And I refuse to continue with such a superficial motive. It's disrespectful to myself and to my readers. The most important thing about a hobby is how you feel about it, so I'm telling you, I need some time off.
What to do from here?
If you are a donor, please consider cancelling your monthly subscription. Since I'm on hiatus, it's not worthwhile for you to continue donating. Many people end up forgetting, and that's quite dangerous. If you want to continue donating, do so consciously; I don't know how long I'll be on hiatus.
Keep Broken Peridot in your library. Someday, a random chapter might pop up; it's not like I'm going to stop writing. I'll just write when I feel like it. Discord and the community will remain open, but I'll become more invisible. The reason is distancing; I want to distance myself and recharge.
How can you contact me? That's quite difficult. Going back will inevitably make me want to write again, because I have a soft heart, but it would be for the wrong reasons. In the end, I would only be putting myself through a pointless burnout.
What will I do during the hiatus?
I'm going to focus even more on programming and get a better job. I'll continue drawing and writing whenever I feel like it. My main focus will be programming, as it's my livelihood. By the end of the year, I intend to build a solid portfolio and change jobs.
I'm going to get much more involved with drawing; maybe when I get back, I'll illustrate my own stories without AI. I don't think it will be a short hiatus; it will probably be long. At least in my current state, I see myself as quite exhausted. But when I return, it will certainly be easier than it is today.
If you see a new chapter, it doesn't mean we're not still on hiatus, just that I've had a moment of inspiration here and there. This article took four hours to write and a week to muster the courage to write. I know it won't please everyone. Fortunately, today I have the maturity to be honest with you.
See you next time, perhaps much better than today.
A thousand cookies for you 🍪
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