[OFF TOPIC] I feel great, I hope you do too.
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22h
17
I bet you thought I wouldn't be back to writing so soon, but a hiatus doesn't stop me from interacting with the community :P.
Actually, I only completely disappeared last week because I felt I could be convinced not to go on hiatus, and that would ruin my decision. So I selectively decided to ignore any comments and made that decision for myself.
I'll tell you in detail how this week went, what I felt, what I did, and how my head has been doing.
Emptiness and attachment.
When I wrote the last message and planned everything, I myself couldn't believe I was doing it. In my head, I felt like I wasn't even allowed to act that way. Many readers told me, "The story is yours, you can do whatever you want with it." But I always considered my work something somewhat shared.
I felt bad; my chest pounded. I spent a few minutes revising and reflecting until I pressed the button "publish", sent the message on Discord, and closed all the tabs. After that, I got up from my chair, lay down on the floor of my dark room, put on some music, and started writing my thoughts.
I was just trying to end my anxiety by rationalizing and breathing deeply. After about 30 minutes, I was completely calm. I didn't feel happiness or sadness, not even pride in the courage I had shown. I felt completely empty.
So what do I do now?
My sleep was still a mess, I was anxious, I was overreading, and I could barely manage my activities. I couldn't even read three pages of a book. In just one week, my mental state deteriorated significantly.
But there was still one important thing that held everything together. I was still waking up every morning at 5 am, going to the gym, or running. Life was still in motion, even though it was deteriorating in other aspects. I reflected on everything that had changed in the last two months, everything I had built, and I felt calmer and more confident.
In less than two days, I fixed my sleep. I increased the restrictions on my reading, started reading fewer and fewer novels, thinking more, going out, getting some fresh air, listening to music, and doing new things.
I simplified all my habits; instead of reading five pages, I read two or three. Little by little, the world started moving again, filling the void that writing had left me. I was moving forward with it.
Something has changed, but not much.
The world didn't explode because I stopped writing. No reader invaded my house looking for my cookies, and I didn't lament that decision or anything like that. I was just tired. Like a worn-out sock that hadn't been washed in a long time.
After being washed and exposed to the sun, the sock became more useful. I then understood myself more on a much deeper level. I started to reflect: "Why do people stay in abusive relationships?" And I immediately understood: "Because it's hard to leave".
You feel responsible for being there. Those factors outside your control seemed to depend on you. I imagined myself writing a chapter and apologizing for what I said before. I felt like reading the comments, responding, and pleasing others, almost like an instinct.
But I held on tight. And that was a great decision.
Pressure multiplied by 0.
When I blinked, the image from SomeRandomReader appeared in front of me, the image of a little cat drinking tea at my feet. Every day, I added a little more green tea, and the cat seemed to love it. But then that stock ran out, and I went to look at that cat from afar.
I imagined this cat stopping drinking tea at some point when it ran out, but being hungry, it went looking for milk, or even cat food. This cat had several options; even without the tea, it would still look for other food sources.
That cat didn't depend on tea to stay alive, and at some point would seek out other types of tea that it would love. I watched that cat getting fatter, scratching the sofa, and sleeping like a rock. Seeing this cat alive and well, I felt at peace. This cat continues to live and fight, probably for another 9 lives to come.
I realized I was giving myself more importance than I actually deserve. I'm just another small piece in someone else's life. Even if the cat really liked tea, the lack of it wouldn't stop it from lazily enjoying life and stretching out on the sofa.
Living my life without rushing.
I stopped feeling the pressure to write on weekends. I stopped feeling like I was racing against time. I started editing videos and spent hours on it. And then I learned a fundamental truth about myself during those 5 days of editing.
My ideal life was completely wrong. I always imagined myself as very good at something, evolving rapidly. In those 5 days of study, I produced one video per day. The views were insignificant, but I felt satisfied with each video that was better than the last.
So I spent hours on this activity, starting in the afternoon and finishing at bedtime. I only left to drink water, use the bathroom, and shower. On the fifth day, I was exhausted. My eyelids closed slowly, and I felt unwell.
The same system I used in games was being applied to video editing, with the difference that video editing is something I actually consider useful. But doing so much of it and noticing the effects on my body, I realized that even though I was evolving quickly, it came at the cost of my health and peace.
It wasn't worth it.
Stopping, slowing down, and facing my fears.
I reduced my video production from one video a day to one every three. And I applied this idea of producing something quickly, even without much knowledge of the topic, to everything I considered important. That is, I planned to make my first animation by the end of the week, organize my code, and work on a small project every day. I'm better at doing things than passively absorbing them.
And today, yesterday, and the day before, every time I lifted weights at the gym, I thought about my book, even with the loud music, even with the physical discomfort. Something inside me pointed towards writing. Naturally, effortlessly.
Nobody asked me to write, but I wanted to write. The only reason that prevented me from writing was time. I had more relevant, more important, and more valuable things in my life. Weighing writing against these things, I prioritized what would have a bigger role in my life and more weight. In other words, my work, my peace, and my current hobbies: drawing, programming, and video editing.
I'm getting better every day. I notice I have more energy and less pressure. I feel in control of my life.
When will you come back?
I don't know when I'll write again; honestly, I don't consider it a priority right now. There are so many more important things for me at the moment. But I believe that even without me for a while, you will continue to live well, and I pray for everyone's happiness.
May you become better people. I love you all. I hope that when I return, I will return better. I'm planning some chapters and extras, but I'm not promising anything. Even if I do return to posting, it would still be irregular; I wouldn't look at your comments as before, and I would become more distant.
I'm not ready yet. I feel that if I came back today, nothing would change, and it wouldn't be fun. Therefore, for writing specifically, I will let my heart guide me as long as it aligns with my reason and priorities. If I make an animation of Broken Peridot, I will post it here; if I have a new chapter, I will post it here.
I'm sorry for not being the best writer for you. But know that I'm living well, and things couldn't be better right now. I'm so happy with everything I've built and how far I've come with this unpretentious activity. Knowing that there are people theorizing about the story and reading it fills me with joy. I want to get back to writing, and in a way that is truly fun and enjoyable.
Have a good day and lots of cookies for you all ❤️🍪❤️