I had to get up quite early just to get ready for the flight. I feel mixed emotions, I'm both excited and scared. I can't predict what awaits me in my homeland, the country that I'm from and the person I truly am. You are probably thinking "What could I be possibly afraid of there, it's my home". To tell you the truth, I've forgotten Thai,
I can barely introduce myself, because I've lived in China, Beijing almost my whole life, since five to be exact. I can only speak Chinese and I'm extremely worried about how I'll be perceived as and how would the locals treat me. "So, you are twenty now, it's time to grow up" Is what my dad keeps repeating, but I obviously know it very well myself. What's not to know or understand?
The flight leaves in a few hours, but luckily we live close to the airport, yeah I completely agree, it really sucks, the amount of times those fucking airplanes almost burst my eardrums together, I can't even count and it made me go insane. Couldn't even study nor listen to music, because that annoying sound went through all of my headphone layers. I begged my parents for new headphones almost every year, but none of them worked, me and my sister Lalita even got on our knees asking to live further away, but our father never wanted to move, because it was mom's dream house.
Did I forget to mention that I'm probably the only one in my whole family that is unable to speak Thai fluently? I spent so much time studying to get into college, that I even forgot the most common and easiest words to ever exist. I only know a few of them to this day, I speak worse than a person studying Thai for a few hours. It's actually horrible. And the only time I actually asked for help with Thai was the time when I was finally free from all of that work in school but nobody helped me. I wouldn't help myself to be honest, with all that stress in school I was such a brat and so rude, that I pushed away every person that tried to help me, gladly I've changed now. Since I've heard the news, that we were moving back to Thailand, I started studying every single day. My pronunciation eventually got better, but can't even be compared to the fact that I'm literally Thai. It's embarrassing.
By the way my name is Jing, it means Peace, more precisely - Peaceful. I can write like a confident person because I know people won't read it, but I barely speak in front of people. I get insane anxiety and start shaking if I ever have to speak in front of a group of people or even express my opinion. When I was younger my head would always start spinning, I couldn't concentrate everytime I had to say anything, and I mean anything. Anything, as in literally saying my name out loud. The only thing I can do is express feelings and inside thoughts in a notebook that I do not want anyone to read.
But sadly, that was the problem with me and my notebooks, or books that you could call diaries.
When I was sixteen I found a great group of friends, I was so excited and started writing my feelings in that diary, I used to carry it in my backpack and never showed it to anyone, I can confirm that it was very well hidden and people that searched through my books or just anything in my bag never ever saw it. Or that's what I thought.
Those friends were the best point of my life, because of them I learned how to take care of myself, I learned to be more confident and started speaking a little more than usually. There were four of us in total. We met when we all started high school, they were my classmates and were very welcoming. It was a group project, because I was a quiet kid since birth I had no friends. As expected. That was daily life for me and I've never complained, it was peaceful but a little bit lonely, but that's completely fine, I'm fine with being left alone. Trust me. As I said, it was a group project, the required amount of people in a group was four people, but those three friends of mine couldn't find a last member. But then one of them, the one that I'll always remember the most was this guy - Jai. I'll always remember him the most even with the things that he has done to me, he was the loveliest of them all, of all people In the world. He was the true joy in my life, the life that he suddenly changed. He had a beautiful face, the second he came up to me, something started fluttering in my stomach. I couldn't understand a thing and got confused, I said to myself "It's probably my anxiety" and calmed myself down a little.