"Everyone says things that they regret", Arvid mumbled, "And you very obviously regret it. You feel regret to the point of it hurting you and that isn't helping anyone, it isn't helping you."
"I don't need help."
"So you've suppressed it", he stated and she stared at him unimpressed, slight shivers running through her still, "And now it's manifesting as a panic attack when you let yourself talk about it. Is this the first time it's happened?"
"It happened a lot right after what Lars did. And then more rarely. This is the first one in... months."
"You've been to see someone about it?"
A blank look was the response.
"You've told someone? Your mom?"
"We don't do that in my family. We don't 'see' people for stuff. We don't talk about anything. We grope minors and then we pretend it never happened and blame the victim", Alice gave him a mirthless smile.
"Do you still see your father?"
At the question Alice tensed a little and he thought she might tell him to stay out of it but then she breathed out slowly, shrugged.
"Yes, occasionally. Let me guess, you want me to set up a meeting so you can ambush him and beat the shit out of him?"
"N-no. That's not why I asked at all", he frowned, caught off guard, and watched her sit up on her knees.
"Do you want me to? I'd do it."
Something dark glinted in her eyes and he suddenly felt slightly sick. Why was she even in contact with her father if she felt that way about him?
"You think that's why I'm doing this? Because I want to use you to get to him?"
"I wouldn't blame you."
Even more at unease, he loosened his hold of her arms.
"I'm worried about you, Alice, that's why I'm asking. I think you need help with some of... this stuff."
Looking slightly offended, she got to her feet, at first a little unsteadily and when he grasped her shoulder to support her, she took a step back, drew her coat closer around herself.
"Thanks. But I don't need help and I don't need you to worry about me."
With the sick feeling still pooling in his stomach he frowned at Alice, who was wiping her fingers beneath her eyes in what he assumed was an attempt to get rid of smudged makeup.
"You said you think you deserve to die. That's not something you can just walk away and leave me with."
Alice frowned back, as if she couldn't believe that he was using her own words against her.
"Oh well let me unburden you, Svartling. It was a joke, how about that? I wanted sympathy. Good night, thanks for walking me home", she said coldly and started to walk away.
Soon she had disappeared around the corner of the block.
Ever since, they had kept their distance at work. More newbie-runners had arrived and since Max had given up on the younger girls and gone back to pursuing Phoebe, Arvid had no reason to interact with Alice. Still, he kept an eye on her, despite not understanding why he felt compelled to. He saw her spending a great part of her time with Ludvig, a ginger boy her age who just got in and who had a grungy look and a loud magpie-sounding laugh that echoed all over the restaurant, especially whenever he spoke to Alice.
In December, there was a Christmas party for the staff, and Arvid found his problems with keeping his eyes and his mind off Alice were only escalating. It didn't help that she looked the way she did currently, with her hair straight and down and she was wearing flats, the ballerina kind, and white lace socks and why the hell had he even noticed?
The facts were, he had a crush, he had gathered as much. The facts were also that he was too old and too much and he had frightened her with his overbearing concern. These were facts he were contemplating as he stood leaning against the brick wall outside of the Chapel, wishing Tommy was there so that could steal a cigarette from him. Then he remembered Thomas had stopped smoking ever since he got with Liv. Just as he rolled off the brick wall to start the walk towards the tram, a breathless sound pulled him back to the current moment.
"Hi."
Alice stood before him, still flushed from the dancing but with her pink scarf around her shoulders and her bag in hand.
"You're leaving?", he asked incredulously.
"Yeah."
Suddenly, she seemed hesitant.
"Did something happen?"
"What? No. I wanted to leave. I have practice early tomorrow."
"Oh."
"And I saw you walk out. Can I tag?"
"You... can tag", Arvid nodded, head spinning a little, "What is it you practice?"
They had started walking slowly.
"Guess", she grinned.
It wasn't a fair game because he knew. He had already guessed. Several weeks ago he had pretended not to notice Alice teaching Ludvig some kind of advanced looking pirouette during their lunch break.
"Ballet."
"Right on! You're good."
"Shoes tipped me off", he said before he could stop himself.
"Oh. Well, we don't wear those. But yeah, they're ballerinas. What's your reason for leaving early?"
"I guess... A few work gatherings in you start to feel like you've seen it all."
"I hear you. I didn't know people regularly did it in the bathrooms until tonight."
"God. Yes. And regularly not with the people they're in committed relationships with."
"Classy."
"So how'd you find out?"
"Ludde told me people do it all the time and then I saw a couple sneaking in. Poor cleaners. I told him I'd never do something like that and..."
Alice trailed off, blushed, as Arvid was contemplating demanding to know whether 'Ludde' had suggested it. Turning away from her he started to count instead.
"Arvid, you're doing it again. Don't pretend that it's nothing this time, explain it to me."
Embarrassment shone in his eyes as he turned back to her.
"It's anger management. I count to ten inside my head and breathe deeper to calm down."
Her brows knit together and she looked puzzled.
"I don't get violent or anything, don't worry, I just say mean, nasty things if I don't think it through first."
"Some shrink taught you to do that?"
"Sure. When I was fourteen."
"Fourteen? You were in therapy at fourteen."
"They made me go after I made one too many of my teachers cry."
"How'd you manage that?", she laughed.
"By being really fucking mean. I'm not proud of that side of me. It almost made me lose my best friend and my sister, just in a couple of minutes of blinding, impulsive rage."
When they got off the tram snow was falling slowly and quietly, like a juxtaposition to the picture he was painting her.
"So that's why you're such an expert on regret and growth and all that", Alice said in realisation, and added, "You bite your cheek too, while you do it."
"I do? I didn't know."
"Wow, then you must really be caught up in your feelings. In fact, I'm sure if I kissed you right now I'd taste blood."
And to his utter and complete astonishment, she did. What was worse was, he wasn't stopping her, he wasn't pulling away, even as she deepened the kiss. Then she moved away from him, turned, and spat on the snowy ground. A red spatter of stains appeared on the white. What the fuck? was all he could think, that, and that he had never wanted anyone, anything as much as he wanted her right now.
"See?", she started to say, amused, but before she could continue he drew her to himself again, desperate for more of her, her closeness, her unpredictability.
"You're batshit, Alice", it came out as a hoarse whisper as he moved his lips to her neck and his stomach dropped in ecstasy when she let out a small gasp of pleasure.
"Mom's not home", Alice stated in a throaty voice and a moment later his forehead hit her shoulder in frustration.
"We can't do that."
The words were gritted out.
"Why not?", she asked as she moved her nails over the back of his scalp.
"Because", Arvid stopped to curse at the pleasure her touch gave him, "A thousand things. I've known you since you were a kid, we work together, I'm too old for you, Liv would never forgive me, I'm sure there's more."
To be honest, he was having trouble remembering any of those things.
"Just come inside a little", she nipped at his ear, "Nothing much has to happen."
Amazed and disappointed at how easy he surrendered he followed her into her house, the words 'Nothing much has to happen' echoing inside his head.
"We won't have sex. Not like that. In fact I won't even lay a hand on you", Alice said innocently, while she went on to shrug off his pants and then his underwear, "Sit down."
She had kicked off her ballerina flats and sat down on the office chair opposite from where he was sat on her bed, giving him the most devilish grin.