Aziel was just chilling in his room, talking to his friends online on a certain purple gaming app, joking about gooning to femboys when, "unexpectedly," a huge truck crashed through his window, destroyed his apartment, and killed him.
"How the fuck—?"
BOOOOM!
"Okay, I'm dead, but seriously—how the fuck did that truck get into my room?" Aziel's thoughts were still scrambled. His room was on the third floor of an apartment building!
"Physics, hello?"
He'd been yapping and complaining about his death ever since he arrived in what he called the void—a place filled with nothing but darkness.
"Is this hell?" he wondered. It didn't look like the hell from books, but he figured there was no way he was going to heaven after everything he'd done.
He didn't think he was a bad person, but he wasn't good either. Ever since he was a kid, he'd treated his parents' scolding like background noise.
He hated them for punishing him every time he ignored them. So when he graduated high school, he immediately rented an apartment to move out.
...With money that came from his parents.
So, yeah—he was hating the same people he was leeching off of. The only people who genuinely cared about him.
Even knowing that, Aziel stayed undisciplined. Thinking about it now, maybe he really was a bad person.
"Yeah, I deserve to die," he sighed. His only regret was him never being able to repay them.
"Man, I hope that truck destroyed my computer," he muttered. He wasn't scared of it getting stolen—he was terrified someone might see what's on it.
A Few Hours Later
"Am I gonna stay here forever? Is this my punishment? I don't think it's working, 'cause this just feels like eternal—"
"Post-nut clarity."
Aziel froze.
A voice came from behind him.
He turned and saw a person—well, something—standing there. It looked vaguely human, but its whole vibe screamed "cosmic anomaly." Its body was shaped like a man's, but its face was completely blank and white, like a mannequin that just crawled out of a nightmare.
"You must be the human, Aziel."
"And you are?"
The thing didn't answer. Instead, it started circling him like it was scanning a bug under a microscope. Aziel suddenly felt like his entire browser history was laid out for inspection.
"Amazing," the being said. "You really do have an affinity for darkness. You've been here for hours and didn't even go crazy! You look completely fine! This place still creeps me out you know, and I'm a God."
"Correction," Aziel said, crossing his arms. "I was brought here. And what is this place, anyway?"
"This is The Abyss. Worse than hell. It's meant to make sinners endure absolute isolation for eternity. The only ones sent here are those who nearly caused the extinction of a race—or planned to."
"Excuse me, what? Are you saying I almost caused extinction? Me? I barely leave my room! The most damage I've done is forgetting to shower for three days!"
The reason he kept his room clean was because he couldn't handle a cockroach. Now he's responsible for a race extinction?
"You remember Rumi?"
"Yeah, the Asian med student with a fatass. Why bring her up?"
"You rejected her because you preferred 'older women.' She got so frustrated that she tried making a virus that would only kill women above the age of thirty. But she failed—and it's a bad thing, because the virus didn't just kill women above thirty it killed everyone, it killed billions. The Gods had to interfere. We reversed time and gave humanity a way to make an antidote. We could only rewind to when millions were already dead. Any further interference would've caused problems. Terrible things happen to those who mess with time."
"Wait—are you talking about Coronavirus?"
"Yes. I hope those millions of deaths can teach humanity not to make things they can't handle."
Aziel wanted to say humanity just blamed China and moved on, but yeah—probably not the best time.
"So let me get this straight," Aziel said. "I'm in a place worse than hell because I rejected a girl? Can't a man have preferences?"
"No. You rejected a crazy girl. That's your greatest sin."
Aziel blinked. "Wow. So all of humanity nearly went extinct because I didn't want to date a potential bioweapon developer. That's wild."
"They should give me a Top 1 Roamer medal," he muttered. "More assists than Hitler's mom."
"I agree," the God said.
"You play League?"
"Sometimes."
"What's your main?"
"We're getting off-topic."
"Figures. You sound like a support main," Aziel said. "All judgment, no kills."
The God tilted its featureless head. "You're awfully brave for someone who just got sentenced to eternal isolation."
"I've been living in isolation my whole life, bro. The only difference is now I don't have rent or notifications."
"...Fair."
"I'll accept this punishment," Aziel said finally. Eternal Absolute Isolation sounded scary, sure, but honestly? This wasn't much different from his old room. The only real difference was no computer to distract him.
If anything, it was peaceful. Maybe even relaxing.
Maybe the real punishment was this God ruining my peace.
"Oh yeah," Aziel said. "What brought you here anyway? You're not just here to trauma-dump lore at me, right?"
"I'm glad you finally asked."
---
"The thing you did might be considered a great sin to the universe," the God said, "but we Gods can also make our own judgments. We thought you didn't deserve to be punished. And me personally—" he paused, "I love MILFs too."
"My man."
Aziel would've dapped him up if he actually had arms.
The God seemed to think the same thing. Aziel could almost feel the smirk on that blank white face.
"So," the God continued, "we made an agreement to give you another chance. We'll give you three wishes, but we'll throw you into another multiverse. Deal?"
"I get the wish part," Aziel said. "But why the hell do I have to go to another multiverse?"
"Well," the God said, crossing his arms, "if you stay here, there'll be a problem. Not every God agreed with your second chance. Some of them still think you belong in The Abyss. So if you stick around, we'll look like corrupt cops letting a prisoner walk free—and trust me, cosmic politics are worse than human ones."
"Okay, yeah, that's fair," Aziel muttered. "So do I start wishing now?"
"Wait, let me explain this first," the God said, holding up a hand like a teacher about to ruin someone's fun. "We Gods are tired of humans' bullshit. You people always try to find loopholes to get extra wishes. So, starting today—"
"Oh great," Aziel interrupted, "you decided to do that today, the day I finally get wishes. Perfect timing, by the way."
"Don't underestimate this, mortal. Behold—" the God pointed dramatically into the void— "the Lucky Wheel!"
Aziel rolled his imaginary eyes. He still didn't know what he looked like, but he was pretty sure he was frowning.
"Don't be so dramatic," the God said. "This wheel has things you can't get from ordinary wishes."
"Like what?"
"Becoming a God."
"…"
"Here are your odds."
A glowing interface suddenly appeared before Aziel.
[Normal – 85%
Rare – 12%
SR – Super Rare – 2%
SSR – Super Super Rare – 0.9%
UR – Ultra Rare – 0.0009%
SUR – Super Ultra Rare – 0.0001%]
"There are levels for each rarity," the God explained. "Normal cards give you stuff like unlimited wealth or extreme talent. Rare cards are better versions of those. SR gives you superpowers. SSR gives you stronger superpowers. UR are wishes that usually need tons of good karma, and SUR are basically impossible to grant."
"If you get an SSR card or above that you don't like, you can spin again in exchange for the one you got."
Aziel squinted at the glowing display. "So… basically I'm playing divine gacha for my life?"
"Exactly."
"Cool," Aziel said flatly. "I died from a truck crash just to end up in a cosmic loot box."
The God chuckled. "You humans love chance, don't you?"
"Yeah," Aziel muttered. "Just didn't expect my respawn screen to have microtransactions."
The God tilted his head. "Would you like to spin now?"
"Sure," Aziel said, sighing. "But if I get a Common card that says 'better social skills,' I'm uninstalling reality."
---