Chapter 37 – Orochimaru: Yujiro Taught Me How to Scam Research Funding
At the very moment Shimura Danzō was still plotting how to brainwash Uchiha Yujiro into becoming his loyal pawn, Yujiro had already made his move—crippling Danzō's second most valuable asset in advance.
Orochimaru, meanwhile, was completely enthralled by the grand visions Yujiro had painted for him. He was so taken in that he nearly forgot even his own surname.
Yes, he knew Uchiha Yujiro was using him.
But he, too, was using Uchiha Yujiro.
It was nothing more than mutual exploitation.
The only concern was—without a wealthy backer like Danzō, how was Orochimaru supposed to fund his outrageously expensive experiments?
Yujiro patted his chest confidently, promising that he had a solution. But Orochimaru was skeptical.
After all, Danzō's greatest talent was cooking the books and embezzling public funds. What exactly could Yujiro embezzle? The Uchiha clan's assets? Yujiro was just buddies with Fugaku, not his father. He had no authority to touch clan property.
And even if he somehow could, compared to the resources of Konohagakure, the Uchiha clan's fortune was pocket change.
…
"See, that's where you still don't get it, Orochimaru."
To Yujiro, Orochimaru worrying about research funding was laughable.
Whether it's overselling dreams to investors or persuading patrons to pour in more money, securing funding is a mandatory skill for any researcher.
And Konoha's coffers? Please. How could they possibly compare to the Fire Daimyō's treasury?
Especially Danzō. Next to the Daimyō, the man was practically a beggar. It was like comparing Kakashi's chakra reserves to Hashirama's.
"Oh? So that's another way to play this…"
Yujiro casually dropped a few words, and Orochimaru instantly had an epiphany. As expected of one of the most brilliant minds in the shinobi world—his learning ability was frighteningly fast, and he could even extrapolate further.
"Now that I think about it," Orochimaru mused, rubbing his chin, "compared to Danzō, the Daimyō and the noble houses truly are fools with too much money. If I could find a way to redirect their wealth into funding my research, wouldn't that be better than letting them waste it on their debauchery?"
The more he thought about Yujiro's suggestion, the more correct it seemed.
Why get hung up on shinobi politics? There may be only a handful of super-kage-level powerhouses in the world, but wealthy patrons? They were endless.
The only question was: What excuse should he use to swindle funding from these patrons?
"Yujiro-kun, do you have any good ideas?" Orochimaru asked with genuine interest.
Had it been anyone else, he would've thought it through himself. But with someone like Yujiro around—a shameless, genius-level schemer—it would be a crime not to exploit his brain.
After all, people are lazy creatures. Just like how some mythical genius turned into a dull gorilla the moment he met Doraemon, Orochimaru was starting to let Yujiro do the thinking for him.
If Orochimaru ever did regress into one of those researchers with off-the-charts scientific talent but zero common sense, it would honestly be a blessing for the world—and maybe even for himself.
"To scam research funds, you have to target their pain points," Yujiro explained.
"So tell me, Orochimaru—what do these wealthy nobles care about most? What really tugs at their hearts?"
"…Life?" Orochimaru's eyes gleamed after a few seconds of thought. "Of course. They have everything—so naturally they'd want to keep it forever. If we used eternal youth or life extension as bait, the funding would flow endlessly. But… that's dangerous."
The moment the words "Living Corpse Reincarnation" crossed his mind, Orochimaru felt a chill. If the technique ever leaked, every powerful noble in the world would go insane, hunting for vessels to possess. Even he found the idea overwhelming.
"You're overthinking this," Yujiro cut in.
"…You mean it's not immortality?"
"Of course not." Yujiro wagged a finger. "What I'm talking about… is virility."
Orochimaru: "…"
Yujiro leaned forward with a grin. "The three topics men love most—politics, money, and virility. The first two are out of our reach. But virility? Now, Orochimaru-kun, you know snakes are famous for their long mating durations. Sometimes days.
So tell me—wouldn't the giant serpents of Ryūchi Cave last even longer?"
The question caught Orochimaru off guard. His first instinct was to snap: How the hell would I know?
But before answering, he realized—the point wasn't to ask him. It was to fool the investors.
"Yes, that's right," Orochimaru replied smoothly.
Yujiro's grin widened. "And as the sole inheritor of Ryūchi Cave's teachings, wouldn't you naturally possess knowledge in this field?"
"I don't," Orochimaru admitted, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "But I am curious. If I could uncover the secret behind the serpents' legendary sexual stamina… couldn't that research, in theory, benefit all of mankind?"
He even adopted a serious, scholarly expression. "For instance, those whose bodies have been ruined by wine and women—men who've lost their… vigor.
If we could develop a medicine derived from snakes that restored their masculinity… wouldn't that count as a contribution to society?"
Yujiro slapped the table in delight. "Exactly! Not only could it count, it must!
That settles it! Tomorrow's headline in the New Konoha Times will be this research project!"
Orochimaru extended his hand. "Then, shall we call it a deal?"
Yujiro clasped it with a grin. "A deal."
"Hehehe…"
"Fufufufu…"
"HAHAHAHAHA—" ×2
Just like that, Uchiha Yujiro and Orochimaru reached an agreement—then, in perfect unison, broke into the infamous Uchiha-style maniacal laughter.
"Hn… what the hell are those two brats laughing about?"
Passing by Orochimaru's laboratory purely by coincidence, Shimura Danzō frowned deeply, his curiosity piqued.
The very next day, the answer revealed itself—right on the front page of the New Konoha Times.
As a shinobi, intelligence-gathering was Danzō's bread and butter. That's why, when newspapers first appeared, he adapted instantly. In fact, he was already considering whether to launch an ANBU-exclusive internal journal.
Like many Konoha shinobi, reading the New Konoha Times had become his daily ritual.
At first, Uchiha clan messenger cats delivered free copies. But once the freebies stopped, Danzō found himself restless, itching for his morning read. The only cure was to buy one—or subscribe for a 20% discount. At just 50 ryō a copy (40 with a subscription), even some brat like Konohamaru could afford it.
"Let's see… what kind of trash has Uchiha Yujiro written this time?"
Muttering to himself, Danzō unfolded the paper. His eyes landed on the bold, screaming headline:
"Shocking! Breaking News! Humanity May Soon Defeat the Incurable Curse of Impotence!!!
Exclusive from Ryūchi Cave—Orochimaru Helps Men Regain Their Glory!!!"
Danzō: "…"
Danzō: "…What the actual fu—?!"
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