Meanwhile, Elise was chasing after his… dick…
Elise slowed, breath hissing, and crept low. Shadows pooled around her ankles as she oozed forward, fingers splayed.
The penis monster, now wedged half-inside the trash bin, wiggled its tiny butt in victory.
One inch… half an inch…
KABOOM!
The deafening crack of the broomstick missile exploding from Mr Dummura's arse reverberated through the halls like a thunderclap from the gods of slapstick comedy.
The dick monster shrieked, shot straight up, ricocheted off the ceiling, and vanished into the vent with a wet plop.
"Damn it!" She cried, stumbling after it. "How the hell is a dick... with legs... and a butt... running so damn fast?!"
The penis monster, slick and glistening, oozed through the air like a cursed eel made of bad decisions and forbidden magic. It pulsed with unnatural energy, glowing faintly pink—veiny and wobbling erratically as it slithered toward the trash bin like a homing missile of shame.
"Get back here!!"
Elise hissed, her cheap dollar-store vampire fangs glowing green in the dark. "Of course it goes in the vent… and now it'll stab somebody and blame me, saying I was acting suspect and not doing my homework missions."
What the heck was that loud bang? Are students setting off fireworks indoors, or did some fat slob just fall over again upstairs during pole dancing class?
Elise—Raven Dementia Bloodrose—remembered the old fireworks called Catherine Wheels. You'd nail them loosely to a wall, and they'd spin madly on the nail, spraying twinkly sparks in dizzying patterns. Nearly every time, the nail would loosen, or the wheel would break free, skittering across the floor like a possessed thing—sparks flying, chaos trailing behind, threatening to burn anything unlucky enough to be in its path.
The terrified cries they provoked lingered in her memory. And those cries… oh, they made her blood race, sending a delicious surge of dark vampire energy through her veins.
Now, her hunger stretched toward Black Snake fireworks. Those dark, forbidden pellets hissed like a lover's gasp, then slithered across the ground, swelling with obscene urgency.
Veins pulsed as they stretched longer, thicker, and impossibly rigid. Each writhing inch arched higher, slick, charcoal skin glistening under the moonlight.
They throbbed, spitting sparks of pure, shameless ecstasy, feeding her vampiric lust with every elongated, engorged, aching pulse. Wet and electric, her body tingled between her thighs.
Fingers trembled as she reached out, ready to stroke that hot, rigid length… only for it to collapse in a brittle, ashen heap.
The sound pattered through the vent of Mr. Dummura's penis, leaving her clueless about where it led.
Solid Snake might have been hiding up there, spying on the girls getting dressed—the penis monster could zip up his arse like a panicked little critter. Even after being attached to the teacher for so many years, you'd think it would've grown desensitised. But nope—it still shot off like a scared doggo at the tiniest bang. Pets and their fear of bangs… she would never understand. Of course, the best kind of bangs were the ones on sexy anime characters and K-pop idols.
Rats scuttled through the vent with alarming regularity, their destination a complete mystery. Most likely the academy cafeteria, judging by the fact that nearly everything served there tasted of rat crap. Nearby, an argument erupted again between Kerry and Bishop. At the far end of the vent, Elise was still trying to figure out where the damn thing led.
Kerry rounded on her brother, voice dripping with disbelief. "Let me get this fucking straight… Your mate, Aiden Finn, has some weird-arse quirk where he's been chatting with you telepathically through rats? Are you actually hearing yourself right now? What the fuck have you been smoking, Bishop? Did you bash your bloody head trying to flush the toilet again, mister Toilet King?"
Hands raised in surrender, Bishop tried to convince her. "No, little K, it's true! He told me in my dream—not a wet dream, a normal one—that he's trapped by bunny girls at our academy! By the bunnies!"
"Oh, for fuck's sake… trapped by bunny girls?" Kerry scowled. "You sound like a bloody lunatic."
"The bunny girls! The Sparkle Bunnies! Luna Bunny, Ava Bunny, Lia Bunny—"
Rolling her eyes, Kerry cut him off. "Oh, shit, you mean those bimbos? The ones he tricked at that bloody sleepover? When he pretended to be a woman just to get the girls to strip for him? And now you're telling me he's gone into the fucking closet because of them?"
"That's… about right. And I need to rescue him."
Kerry barked a laugh. "Rescue him? From what, his own stupidity? Let me get this straight—he saw some of the hottest girls in the academy naked, some with god-tier boobs straight out of an anime, and now he's decided to turn gay because of them? You cannot be serious!"
"They locked him in the closet! He's been trapped in the storage closet at the academy for over a week! Being stuck in the dark with a load of rats gave him powers… powers to communicate with and control the rats… he's become… the Rat King."
"Oh, that's just fucking brilliant. Rat-boy powers. What a lame, piss-weak, disgusting quirk," Kerry snorted, folding her arms. "Tell him congratulations from me… he's officially the academy's shittest superhero… a shit superhero that can't even get himself out of a bloody closet."
"You laugh now, but once I find out my super quirk, I and Aiden Finn are going to be a superhero duo that will help the world."
"Save the world?" Kerry rolled her eyes so hard it hurt. "Is that before or after you clog up and vandalise another toilet, Toilet King? Weird… You really need to fucking grow up."
"I've just been trying lots of things to activate my superpower… The only time I damaged a toilet recently was when I was trying to find my quirk."
"Right… What a shitty excuse."
Bishop listed his trials, voice earnest. "It's true. I've tried loads of things to activate my quirk. Like not wiping my bum after taking a shit, holding my pee for three hours after drinking three pints of milk, wading naked into Brightwater Pond in the middle of the night—full of leeches that soak up magical energy from the forest and transfer it to whoever they bite…
And, on another day, I tried sticking my finger up my nose to see if I'd get laser fingers."
Kerry's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Are you for real?! You didn't just, like, casually walk into that pond—you went completely naked, in the middle of the fucking night, into a pond crawling with bloodsucking leeches like some deranged nudist on a death wish?!"
"Well… yeah, one of them… uh… got stuck to my ballsack. Took me two fucking days to pull it off."
"WHAT THE FUCK?! TWO DAYS?! ON YOUR BALLS?!" Kerry screamed, hands flying to her head. "You're a disgusting, brain-dead freak! How the actual hell are you still alive and not permanently scarred? You're a walking horror show and a complete idiot!"
"I… I thought it would help me find my quirk…"