It was hard to believe that just one night earlier I had come back from dinner with Rafael with my heart overflowing, carried by a happiness bigger than myself. Now, all of that had slipped through my fingers, turning into frustration, into doubt, into a pain that gnawed at me from the inside.
How could it change so fast? How had that good shiver, the one that followed me all the way to my bedroom door, become this urge to disappear, to curl up so I wouldn't feel anything at all?
I spent hours in conflict. Maybe the best thing was to give Rafael time, wait for him to calm down and then try again.
Maybe his reaction today had just been anger, confusion from the moment. Tomorrow, I thought, he would be different — more accessible, more steady. I had to believe that.
Night fell, and exhaustion crushed me. My head throbbed, my eyes burned from so much crying. I lay down, clinging to whatever thread of hope I could find. And between muffled sobs, I fell asleep.
By morning, my strength seemed to have returned. I needed to see him.
I went down to the ground floor. The landlord told me Rafael had left early, without saying where, but that he'd be back before lunch.
I decided to wait. I sat in the garden, among the flowers he tended with so much care, as if his presence were still there. Every minute felt heavy. Time seemed to mock me.
Until I saw him. Rafael appeared in the distance, walking firmly toward the house. My heart raced, and I stood up quickly. Without thinking, I crossed the gate and ran to him.
I stopped in front of him, my breath short.— Rafael…
He stopped too. His eyes were distant, as if I were just another shadow on the street.
I gathered my courage, even with my voice trembling:— Time is running out. I can testify that you were with me that night, but… I have to go back to my parents' house. My mother won't stop calling, I've run out of excuses.
He looked at me in a way he never had before — eyes narrowed, hard, like a wall.— Then go. — he said coldly, each word cutting like a knife. — Stay with your family… and forget about this.
I swallowed hard, my chest tight.— Forget? But Rafael, you know that I…
— I know that I don't want you involved. — he cut me off, his voice low but cruel.
The words fell on me like stones. I stood there, frozen, trying to hold myself up while everything inside me screamed to collapse. My heart begged me to break through his barrier somehow, but his eyes were cold, unreachable.
Without realizing, I stepped back. He brushed past me, his shoulder nearly grazing mine, without looking back.
I walked aimlessly until I found a small square. I sat on a cold bench, hugged my knees, and felt an immense longing for my mother's embrace. For someone to tell me it would all be fine, even when I knew it wasn't.
I grabbed my phone with trembling hands and dialed. My mother answered almost instantly, her voice full of life:— Helena! How are you, my daughter?
I tried to disguise it, but my first shaky response gave me away.— You're not well, I can feel it from here. Come home. A few days with us will do you good.
The tears came before I could stop them.— You're right, Mom… I'll come back.
I ran back to the apartment. Packed a small bag, without the courage to face the landlord. I only wrote a quick note and slid it under the door of the ground floor:
"I had to travel to spend a few days with my parents. Don't worry, I'll be back soon. Thank you for everything.— Helena"
Hours later, already on the bus, I leaned my forehead against the cold window. The rocking didn't soothe me, it only left me more confused. A flicker of anger burned inside me. Had he really felt nothing?
For me, it hadn't just been one night. It was the first kiss, the first embrace that made me forget the world. It was the confirmation of something I had already sensed inside me, but kept in silence. And for a moment, I was certain it was mutual. Had I really been that naïve?
The road slipped behind. When I got off, the familiar scent of my city wrapped around me. I saw my parents waiting at the bus station exit. My mother, her eyes brimming with tears, opened her arms without saying a word. I ran to her, and that tight embrace felt like returning to the safest place in the world. My father soon wrapped us both too, and for the first time in days, I felt like I could breathe again.