Then I left that home—our home—which used to be my safe place for the past one week. Now it is no longer mine, and maybe life is just like that only—the more we get close to something, the more quickly we have to leave that thing.
But now, as I have walked out of the house and my steps are still moving—moving towards my own path without any promise or hope to get written on this path again—my only wish that my little heart has in it right now is that my Yuan Yuan will always stay happy, live healthy, and live a long life, and may he become more and more famous with each passing day, and my China's heartthrob will soon become the heartthrob of the whole nation, and I know that day is not so far away to come.
Then I smiled, and while thinking all this, my cab was waiting for me at its exact location where it should be. Then I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a while and said to myself some comforting words: "Zhao Shiza, don't think much—don't think much about what the future holds. Live in the present without fearing the future and what it might hold. Aren't you the one who never cares about the future and always believes that what is meant to happen will happen? No matter how much we pray, no matter what our little heart wants, if anything is written, then it will happen sooner or later."
But this is the reality—the reality of life, from which I was not fully aware. But as much as I know right now is the only much I can offer to him. I said this to myself while deeply thinking about all these things, whatever it happens.
And then finally, by betraying my overthinking over anything and everything, I sat inside the car, and the trip got verified, and the cab started moving. At the time it started moving, I put the mirror down from my side of the car and put my head outside it and started watching our floor, where there was still a light on the way I left there—same as before.
I smiled while looking at the home from the car's window and thought how really fast time flies—even in the blink of an eye. Just a few minutes before, I was inside this house with him, playing, laughing, and living together there, and now this is the time where I am sitting inside this car and looking at it from far away without any hope that in the future I might never be able to return here.
And then finally, my cab passed the whole apartment, which was left behind, and I moved my head backward and tried to capture this place—our home—as much as I could, because I don't know that I may not be here next time. Maybe our relationship will lose this fight against all the odds in our lives, and maybe the distance and differences between us will again become the reason for us to live alone, far away from each other.
And then that area completely left behind me as the cab moved further forward. I realized that now my journey there with him has finally ended. Yes, it might be very short, but the way I lived every single second in it is way more precious than anything—any feeling and emotion that lives on this earth.
And yes, this is way more—way more enough for me to live my future life while keeping these most precious memories alive in my little heart, rent-free. Of course it is rent-free, because my little heart is owned by him only, so it knows well what I like and what I don't.
And then I took a deep, long breath and put my head back inside the car and said to myself, "It passed, Zhao—it really passed now. And now you have to focus on where you have come from, not on anything else besides this."
Then my cab was moving on the road smoothly and steadily. Then I tried to think and look at the more positive sides of life, but what should I do when I know that our relationship might not be able to fight against all the odds to love each other and live with each other? It's not that I doubt our relationship—it's that I doubt our destinies, our fates, because maybe—I don't know why—but somehow I get this feeling all the time inside me that we are not destined to be together, or our hearts are not fated for each other, and maybe my little heart is not the fated heart for you.
I repeated these words inside me to myself, to make me feel stronger for now—and not only for now, but for the upcoming days. So no matter what comes next, that thing I will see later on, and right now I will make my little heart at ease and say to my little heart that I know from the past few months I have lived my life fully, but no matter what happens, the love for him inside me will always remain intact in my heart for years, till Zhao Shiza lives in this world.
I said it to myself. Then suddenly my phone's notification tone popped up on my WeChat, and when I opened it, who else could it be other than him? It was written: "When you reach your dormitory, message me with a heart smiley."
I smiled at myself stupidly again and replied, "Okay, I'll let you know when I reach my dormitory."
And then time passed like this only, and the cab driver stopped the car, and then...