The ring of the doorbell made her look up from the book she was reading. She was alone at the house, while Kev was at the Alibi for the game, and V was at the Gallaghers. She really didn't feel like seeing anyone that day. She had spent the previous evening crying after what happened with Lip. She had spent almost a year with him, practically every day, and she felt so stupid for even missing him after what he said.
The doorbell ring went off again.
"Seriously?" she muttered, throwing her book away and making her way towards the door. As she opened, she saw Ian standing in front of her.
"Hey, Des," he greeted her with his usual gentle smile.
"Ian," she said, "W-What are you doing here?"
"V told us that you weren't feeling well," he said, "I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
"You are very sweet, Ian, but I'm… I'm alright," she said, trying to show her best smile, but she could already feel her eyes sting with tears.
"Really?" he asked, observing her. Already knowing the answer, Desna let go of her tears and shook her head.
"No," she said, walking back inside, but she didn't close the door so that Ian could enter as she sat on the couch with her head in her hands. As she cried, she felt him sitting next to her, rubbing her back with his hand.
"Did he tell you what happened?" She asked, and he nodded his head.
"After various screams and 'go fuck yourself,' yeah, yeah, he told me," Ian answered, before taking a breath, "Hey, you did what you thought was right. You've made the right choice."
"It's just…" she said as other tears slipped from her eyes. "How can I stop liking him so much?" Ian observed her for a moment, then got closer to her and held her into a hug. He let her hug him and cry against him for some minutes before she moved back.
"I'm so sorry," she said as she passed her hands on her cheeks to dry her tears. Then she gave out a shaky laugh, "I'm going to be okay. Go back to your house."
"I can stay here if—" but they turned as they heard the doorbell ring again.
When she opened the door, she was surprised to see Carl on her porch.
"Carl…" she muttered before she saw Lip running towards her house.
"Carl, I told you no, come on," he said before his eyes met with hers. Her breath stuck in her throat as they looked at each other.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I told him not to come here, but-"
Desna shook her head. "No, it's fine," she said before kneeling to look Carl in the eyes.
"Hey sweetie, what's up?" She asked with a small smile.
"You don't feel well, or are you crying?" He asked, observing her face, and she was quick to give out a little laugh.
"I'm… just a bit sad," she said, trying to hold back her tears.
"Why don't you come to my house?" He asked, "It's going to be fun."
Her eyes shot briefly to Lip, who was biting his lips, before she turned to Carl, who spoke again, "It's a shame for you to stay here. You're too pretty to cry."
At that, she let out a fond laugh, covering her mouth as she looked at the eleven-year-old, who looked at her, waiting for her answer.
"If I come," she asked, drying a tear that fell on her cheek. "Will you distract me?" On Carl's face appeared a giant smile. "Of course! I told you I could make you happy," she ruffled his hair.
"Okay, then, go take the keys on the kitchen counter for me, and then we go," he nodded, getting inside her house. She passed a hand through her hair as she noticed Lip getting closer.
"You don't have to. If—"she said, shaking her head as she crossed her arms.
"No, it's okay," she said nervously, "I love Carl and your family; I don't want to become a stranger to them."
It was so strange having him that close, knowing that she could not touch him or kiss him anymore. All she wanted was to have him close to her again, and she cursed herself for that.
"Des-" but he got interrupted by Ian and Carl coming out of the house.
"Okay, let's go," she said, caressing Carl's hair as he led the way toward the Gallagher's house.
"I've melted two superheroes with a lighter today," Carl said proudly, "Do you want to see them?"
"Of course," she answered with a chuckle.
As they entered the house, Desna noticed Steve and Fiona setting the new TV, as Veronica was sitting on the couch next to Debbie.
"Shit, it's beautiful," Desna said, observing the TV; it indeed must have been worth a lot.
"Des," Fiona said, turning to her before enveloping her in a hug. I'm so glad you came."
"Carl promised me I would have fun, right buddy?" She said, looking down at him, that was already observing her. The boy gave a single nod, "Right!" He said before running up the stairs, "Wait here, I'll bring the superheroes."
Desna shook her head before V reached out her hand toward her to make her sit next to her.
"How are you feeling, sweetie?" She asked with a hint of worry.
"I'm okay," she promised after having shared another look with Lip.
"Fi," she said, trying not to look at him as much as she could. "Can I have a glass of water?"
"Sure, Des," she answered with a gentle smile, "The house is yours," Desna muttered a 'thank you' as she stood up to go into the kitchen. As she was filling a glass of water, she heard steps behind her, already knowing who it was.
"Thank you for coming," Lip said from a few feet away from her, "Carl really wanted for you to be here."
"You don't need to thank me," she answered, shaking her head as she took a sip. Between them fell silence. The air was tense; it would have been clear to anybody.
"What? This is how it is going to be from now on?" At his question, she closed her eyes, "You're not even talking to me anymore?"
Desna closed her eyes, trying not to cry again, "I don't think there's anything to talk about," she said before trying to get past him, but he grabbed her arm, making her look at him.
They only looked at each other like they had done many times before, and yet this time, it was different. She tried to understand what he was feeling, but she really couldn't. He kept observing her, not saying anything, and Desna felt her eyes sting. This was so hard. They had fights before that usually led them to steamy sex; it was more tension, but now it was not like that. Suddenly, the sound of someone knocking on the door made both of them move away from each other.
"I'll get the door," he said, walking away. As he moved, Desna let out a heavy breath, which she didn't know she was holding. Her eyes stung again because of the new tears. I don't have to cry, she ordered to herself, she would have not fucking cried.
"Des?" Carl's voice made her look up at the stairs. He was standing on the steps, two toys in his hands, as he observed her.
"Hey, buddy," she said, forcing a smile as he stepped down and began walking towards her.
"Is it because of Lip that you're crying?" He asked, and the words got stuck in her throat, but she managed to shake her head.
"No, of course not," she said before gesturing him to come closer so they could turn together in the living room.
"Who the fuck is this?" V said, and everyone turned towards the door. Desna's breath got stuck in her throat.
"Um… It's Karen," Lip said as the others started to greet her. Desna bit her lips, turning away when she noticed Ian looking in her direction.
That had been a stupid idea.
"Come, Des," Carl said, pulling her towards the living room and taking her by the wrist. You sit next to me, right?"
"Sure, buddy," she muttered as her eyes met with Karen's, who flashed her one of her fake smiles.
"Hi, D," she said.
Desna nodded her head. "Hey," she answered. But before they could say anything, Lip touched Karen's arm, pointing at the chair on the side of the living room. Carl pulled her again to make her sit between him and Veronica.
"Babe, sure you're okay?" she asked, touching her head with her hand to ensure she had no fever.
"I'm fine," she assured, trying not to look at the chair as Lip sat next to Karen and she cuddled against his chest.
That had been a stupid fucking idea.
Finally, the TV was set, so they all sat down and started to watch something about fishing. Desna wasn't paying much attention since she was too busy trying not to look in Lip's direction. She was getting crazy as she noticed Karen all over him. That bitch was doing that on purpose.
"Shit, the snacks!" Ian suddenly said, "Des, would you help me get them?"
"Yeah," she said, sharing a glance with Ian, hoping he knew that she was thankful.
"You okay?" Ian asked as they opened two bags of chips to pour them into a bowl. "Your leg seemed to have a mind of its own."
"This was a fucking stupid idea," she exclaimed as she poured more chips angrily.
"Coming here?" He asked.
"Everything," she admitted, throwing the empty bag into the trash. "Start thing on with your brother, fuck him every day, as well as being constantly reminded that there's also Karen in the picture," she ranted, "So I broke things off, only for him to show me that he actually cared about her. She is lying on his fucking chest!"
"Calm down," Ian said, looking toward the living room, making sure nobody was looking at them.
"You did what you thought was right," Ian said in a low voice, putting his hands on her arms as she tried to calm her breathing down. "It's going to be okay, I promise." He looked into her eyes, observing if she believed in his words.
That was true. She did what she thought was best for herself. If he wanted her, he would have done something. She just needed time to accept the truth.
"Okay," she said, nodding her head.
"Okay," Ian answered before encouraging her to go back to the living room. As she made a step, Desna decided to show her best smile. She would have not let Karen fucking Jackson that what she was doing was affecting her. But she had a more challenging time when she met Lip's eyes. As she got back sitting on the sofa, the two of them kept throwing looks in each other's direction. One time, it was her; the other time, it was him, but the front door opening caught their attention to reveal Frank Gallagher, who entered the house with his face covered in blood.
"Oh, my God…" Desna muttered as Steve asked the man if he was alright. He didn't seem to mind answering as he kept walking towards the kitchen.
Desna shared a look with V, who patted her hand on her leg.
"Hey," Ian said, getting up and walking to Frank. "Is that my shirt?" he asked, annoyed, pointing his fingers toward what Frank was wearing.
The change in Frank's demeanor paralyzed Desna. He muttered a yeah as he started to walk towards Ian. His eyes held rage as he kept observing Ian's face. Desna's hand clenched to V's.
"I-I'm just asking…" Ian stuttered, trying to move back, but suddenly Frank head-butted his son. Everyone started to scream out as Ian fell back with blood running down his nose. Steve went towards Frank, screaming at the man, as Fiona ran to her brother's side. Desna's body wouldn't move; terror took the best of her like it had happened so many times before. Like when she was just a child, and he entered the room…
She didn't remember what happened; she just knew that at some point, all the shouting ended, and she started to feel her body tremble. She was looking at nothing; her limbs kept shivering, and her heart was beating so loud that it was the only sound she could hear.
"Des, Des!" She flinched as a hand touched her arm. The movement made her get back to her senses. In front of her, Lip knelt, carefully moving his hand to touch her arms. "Hey… it's me," he whispered as his fingers brushed her skin, but this time, she didn't move away. "It's alright," Desna let out a shaky breath.
"Are you alright, baby?" V asked from next to Lip. The girl nodded her head, feeling like no words could leave her lips.
"Listen, I have to go. Ian..." he stopped when he saw her nod her head once more. Lip was observing her eyes, so she forced herself to speak. "It's alright," she said. He shook his head; then he squeezed her shoulders before getting up to run upstairs.
"Babe," V said, taking her hand, "Let's go home, come on," Desna nodded her head, following Veronica home.
"Fucking Frank Gallagher!" V said as she closed a drawer loudly, "Coming home, assaulting his son," another drawer.
"V, please," Desna said as she still could feel her body tremble, "Don't make so much noise, please..."
She hated it. She hated how her body was reacting, she hated that she was still so terrorised.
"Shit, Des, I'm sorry," Veronica said, walking towards her with a worried expression. Desna could not stand that gaze on her. She didn't want someone to look at her like that. Not again.
"Are you sure you're alright?"
"I'm alright, V!" Desna snapped.
Between them fell silence—a silence so loud in Desna's ears that her hands trembled as she tried to keep her breathing under control and her eyes from watering.
"I see people punch each other all the time at the Alibi," Desna said as her legs bounced up and down, hating herself for her behavior. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Veronica took a breath before she moved to sit next to Desna. "Because Frank Gallagher is a father who hurt his son," she said, and some tears slipped from Desna's eyes.
She spent the day in her room, lying on her bed, under her covers. Those stupid shivers didn't want to go away. She even tried to sleep, but wherever she managed, the nightmares would come.
She felt so frustrated. She had worked on it, and she was finally feeling better. Serene.
"Fuck, this shit..." she muttered, holding her head in between her trembling hands.
Suddenly, a knock made her look up. Desna let out a shaky breath when she saw Lip standing in her doorway. "I know you probably don't want to see me, but… can I come in?"
She should have sent him away or yelled at him, but as she saw him, her heart calmed down, and the fear slowly disappeared. So instead of telling him to fuck off, she invited him inside.
Their eyes met as he sat on her bed. They were close; his torso turned in her direction, and his arm was across her legs. She wanted to ask him why he was there and what he wanted, but she didn't want to do anything that would make him go away.
"How's... how's Ian?" At her question, Lip nodded his head.
"He's fine," Lip said, "Pissed off, but he'll survive," then he searched for her eyes, "Nothing to be scared of."
"No, I know, I know," she assured, looking down at her hands, "I'll just need time to..." she took a breath, "Whatever the fuck I need to do..."
"I'm sorry my father scared you," Lip said, looking at her hand, "But Frank is just Frank."
"I'm not afraid of Frank. I..." she stopped to take a deep breath. "Just... bad memories." His blue eyes observed her in silence.
"Lip, I am alright," she assuredly looked down, "Don't worry," the past was in the past.
Suddenly, she felt his fingers move her hair away to tag them behind her ear. Desna closed her eyes at the familiar touch, finding it always so comforting. She turned her head to look at him, who moved his lips up in a gentle smile.
"Lip!" V's voice came from downstairs, "Karen is looking for you."
Their smiles dropped as they both looked down.
"You should go," she whispered, suddenly remembering that they had no more relationship going on and that she wasn't the one he cared for.
"Yeah," he muttered, moving to get up. Desna observed his back as he did, and she really did want to pull him back and say that he could stay with her. But she knew he would not have stayed, and she really didn't want her heart to break more than it already was.