Lin Ming was clutching his cracked smartphone which is now a lifeless brick…like a bereaved father. The legendary poet, Li Bai, was currently being restrained by Jinzhu in a corner, who was frantically plugging his ears with silk tassels to prevent any accidental poetry. Yuya, meanwhile, was meticulously sweeping up the enchanted light fixture that Li Bai's rhyming had detonated.
"I told you, Li Bai! No spontaneous rhyming! This is the Lin Residence, not an open-mic night at the Imperial Tavern!" Yuya snapped, her voice tight with stress.
Li Bai, muffled by the tassels, kept trying to shout: "My sorrow is a boundless sea, I yearn for the Dao of the...."
"STOP! DAO OF THE COFFEE BEAN! NO RHYMES!" Lin Ming yelled, holding up his dead phone. "This is a catastrophe! This phone had my banking app, my streaming queue, and the only picture of my cat! You just committed digital genocide!"
"We have scrolls! We have ancient history!" Yuya argued. "Why do you rely on this strange, fragile object?"
"Because my banking app doesn't take Jade Verses, Yuya! I need to pay the peacock's dowry, or whatever we're calling it! This is my only line of credit back to the future!"
Lin Ming was frantic. His pragmatic focus had narrowed: he needed currency, and failing that, he needed reliable infrastructure.
"Jinzhu, keep him quiet. If he rhymes again, I'm putting him on a diet of unsalted, unroasted plain seeds. He'll never be inspired."
Yuya sighed, pinching the edge of her nose. "The shame. First the peacock, now a spiritual poet who destroys property. And we are still expected to attend the Feather Preening Ceremony in one hour."
"I'm not oiling a bird," Lin Ming stated flatly. "That sounds too much like work and too little like social distancing. I need a security guard. Someone large, intimidating, and capable of physically restraining overly dramatic poets and possibly fighting off a pissed-off Prince who wants his bird back."
Yuya scoffed. "And where, exactly, do you plan to acquire an elite guard on such short notice?"
**The Legendary Job Application**
As if summoned by Li Ming's sheer desperation, the ground outside the pavilion thumped. Not a polite tap-tap, but a heavy, resonant DOOOM.
A figure strode into the courtyard. He was about seven feet tall, wrapped in antique armor that looked like it could stop a siege. His beard alone deserved its own title, and the weapon he carried looked like a halberd crossed with a traffic light and bad intentions.
This was Guan Yu.
He paused at the threshold, surveyed the scene—the frantically restrained poet, the furious cultivator, the modern man clutching a dead phone and then knelt.
"This one heard the distress of the people and the call of a true master," Guan Yu's voice was deep, gravelly, and overly dramatic. "I sensed the disturbance in the spiritual currents. Is this the place of chaos that needs order? I am Guan Yu, formerly of the Imperial Guard, now seeking the Dao of Eternal Loyalty."
Lin Ming looked him up and down. Okay. Large. Intimidating. Looks like he could single-handedly organize a riot.
"You're in need of a job?" Lin Ming asked.
Guan Yu rose slowly, holding his halberd like a sacred scroll. "I seek not wages, but a cause. A leader worthy of my unwavering, eternal allegiance! I heard whispers that a great chaos has come to this noble house. I desire to swear a blood oath of brotherhood and service to the one who can master this storm!"
Lin Ming glanced at Yuya. She looked aghast. "Brother Ming, this is General Guan Yu! A legend! A pillar of war! You cannot employ him as a security guard!"
"Why not? He looks reliable," Lin Ming muttered. He turned back to Guan Yu. "Look, buddy. I appreciate the theatrics, but I don't need a blood oath. Just stand outside, make sure this poet doesn't blow up and more stuffs, and occasionally stop the Prince's guys from stealing my stuff."
Guan Yu bowed again. "Your vision is vast, Master! You command me to bring order to the small things! A true test of humility! I accept the challenge! Tell me the terms of my service! What is the oath I must take?"
Lin Ming reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out a small, slightly damp Loyalty Card from The Grindhouse…a paper card he used to punch holes in for customer rewards.
"Alright. This is the Oath of Eternal Brotherhood and Service," Lin Ming declared, trying to sound authoritative. "It's a Loyalty Card. You get nine punches, and the tenth coffee is free. For now, consider this your contract. You're my head of security. Don't let anyone annoy me."
Guan Yu took the laminated card with both hands, his expression one of profound reverence. He studied the badly printed letters and the tiny picture of a steaming coffee cup.
"The O-Auth," Guan Yu murmured. "A sacred document of nine trials, leading to the ultimate reward of the tenth… This is the true meaning of the Dao of Reciprocity! The contract is clear!"
He slammed his armored fist against his chest. "I swear! By this sacred card! I will fulfill the Nine Trials and achieve the Ultimate Free Brew! My loyalty is yours, Master Ming!"
Yuya stared, mortified. "Brother Ming! You cannot reduce a vow of legendary service to a discount card!"
"Why not? It motivates him," Lin Ming shrugged. "Now, General Guan Yu, your first mission now is to organize the seating in the courtyard. I want a 'battle formation' that maximizes sun coverage but is strategically placed to repel unexpected wedding planners. Also, keep the Prince's guard away."
Guan Yu nodded fiercely. "A challenge! The Formidable Square Formation shall be deployed! It is traditionally used to repel siege engines, but it shall serve admirably against inconvenient furniture!"
Guan Yu immediately began dragging heavy, ornate wooden chairs across the courtyard, shouting commands to himself about flanking maneuvers and holding the line against the ottoman.
Yuya watched her brother calmly delegating security operations to a legendary general using a coffee loyalty card. She felt light-headed.
"Brother Ming," she whispered, "The shame is so immense, I can feel my cultivation base regressing."
Lin Ming looked entirely unbothered. "Look, I got a legendary general for the price of a future cup of coffee. That's good business. Now, let's address the Feather Preening Ceremony. Guan Yu, you're coming with me. If the Prince tries anything, form a defensive perimeter around me."
"My loyalty requires it!" Guan Yu roared, moving a large, marble table into position with a single push. "The Free Coffee must be defended!"
**The New Job Titles**
The three of them—Yuya (mortified), Lin Ming (apathetic), and Guan Yu (fanatically dedicated)—left for the courtyard where the Prince and Lord Feng were waiting.
The Prince looked at Lin Ming, then at the massive, bearded general standing behind him with a halberd. The Prince looked at him in suspicion.
"Brother-in-Law Ming," the Prince said, why does this man look like he's here to conquer my palace?"
Lin Ming smiled, trying to sell the narrative. "Prince Heng! This is Guan Yu, my Chief Operating Officer of Customer Retention and Asset Protection. He's here to ensure compliance with the Terms and Conditions of the betrothal contract. You know, just standard administrative stuff."
Guan Yu bowed slightly, holding up the loyalty card. "The Nine Trials of Service are sacred, Your Highness."
The Prince was utterly confused by the mention of 'Chief Operating Officer' and 'Nine Trials' but couldn't accuse Lin Ming of violating tradition, as Guan Yu's armor was perfectly polished.
"Very well," the Prince huffed. "The next step of the courtship requires you to apply the Sacred Preening Oils to Lord Feng's plumage. This is a delicate process requiring spiritual precision and focus."
Lin Ming was forced to approach the magnificent peacock. He pulled out the three tiny bottles of oil.
Three oils. This is why I prefer just buying things online. Too many steps.
Lin Ming looked at the complicated bird, then at Guan Yu.
"Security Officer Guan," Lin Ming said, holding out the first bottle. "I' have too much work on my plate now. Can you handle this for me? I need you to assume responsibility for Oil Application Sub-Task Alpha. Can you handle the distribution of the first oil?"
Guan Yu snapped to attention, taking the tiny bottle as if it were a tactical weapon. "Sub-Task Alpha accepted, Master! The Dao of Reciprocity shall flow!"
Guan Yu the legendary General then proceeded to treat the oiling of the Prince's peacock like a highly sensitive military operation, using a terrifying combination of battle-readiness and meticulous care, ensuring the bird was perfectly coated, all in the name of earning a free future latte.
Guan Yu stood vigil at the peacock's pen, polishing his halberd with alarming intensity.
"Master," he rumbled, "I have completed Trial Three: 'Oiling of the Feathered Lord.'"
"Good work," Lin Ming said, sipping weak tea. "Six more to go before you get a free cappuccino."
"What is… cappuccino?" Guan Yu asked.
"A beverage made by steaming the tears of overworked baristas," Lin Ming said gravely.
Guan Yu nodded in solemn reverence. "Truly… a sacred drink."
Yuya closed her eyes. The shame was complete. Her entire family was now defined by a discount card and a peacock's feather health. Lin Ming, however, was delighted. He'd successfully outsourced the task. The laziness had won again.