By the time dawn finally bled across the courtyard, the so-called Feather Preening Ceremony was already beyond saving.
The air reeked of burnt oil and pride.Lord Feng's feathers were stiff with over-application, the Prince's guards were arguing about "plume viscosity," and Guan Yu who had declared the task beneath a warrior's dignity at least three times was now standing in sullen silence, wiping oil off his armor.
Lin Ming sat nearby on a carved mahogany bench, flipping through The Scroll of Ancient Manners (a book so boring it could qualify as tranquilizer), while also trying to recharge his dead smartphone by rubbing it against a glowing piece of jade he was pretty sure was some sort of spiritual battery.
"This is unbearable, Brother-in-Law Ming," Prince Heng said, in frustration. "Lord Feng is clearly distressed by the General's… military approach to grooming."
"Respectfully, Your Highness," Lin Ming said, not looking up. "Guan Yu followed the Standard Operating Procedure for High-Value Asset Maintenance. If the plumage isn't perfect, the warranty's void."Guan Yu, overhearing this, roared: "The warranty shall not be voided, Master! My honor demands I achieve optimal shine! For the Free Brew!" Lord Feng, clearly tired of the general's intense focus, suddenly let out a massive, piercing cry that shattered a tiny clay pot on a nearby table. The bird then took two aggressive steps forward and violently pecked the Loyalty Card right off Guan Yu's halberd.
Guan Yu stared at the ruined Loyalty Card lying on the floor, then slowly lifted his head looking at the peacock standing there like it had just won a duel. His armor creaked as he inhaled.
"The Trial… it's been damaged," he said, voice trembling with the gravity of a man reporting the fall of a dynasty. "By a bird.""The Oath has been violated! By your intended spouse!" Lin Ming shot up. "Lord Feng! That's corporate espionage! You just tried to destroy a legally binding contract… you can be sued for that yunno!" The Prince, sensing weakness, immediately declared: "Lord Feng is clearly stating his rejection of this union! Brother-in-Law, you have failed the Path of Divine Plumage! The betrothal is terminated!"Lin Ming stared at the peacock, its chest puffed out like it had personally negotiated a diplomatic victory. He felt relieved and fulfilled but then crashed against the cold wall of political reality. He wasn't getting married, sure… but he might still get executed. "Wait, you can't just break an Imperial Decree because your bird is a diva! That's a breach of——" "Silence!" Yuya interjected, pushing Lin Ming behind her. She glared at the Prince. "The Lin family accepts the termination, Your Highness. We will, of course, bear the shame." She then turned a death-glare on Lin Ming. "But you, Brother Ming, will pay for the diplomatic expenses of this disaster." The Search for the Divine Brew Relieved he wasn't marrying a bird but terrified of the potential bill, Lin Ming raced back to his quarters, dragging the despairing Guan Yu with him. Lin Ming was pacing, frantically trying to think of an escape route. "I need money. I need to leave. I need to find a portal back to my world before Yuya bankrupts me with 'diplomatic expenses' and that poet destroys the entire electrical grid! I need a plan!" Guan Yu, however, was weeping quietly by the window, clutching the damaged Loyalty Card. "I have failed the Oath. The Trial is lost. I shall never earn the tenth... the free... the Brew of Eternal Wisdom." "Stop crying over the discount, General! It's just paper!" "It is honor!" Guan Yu wailed. Lin Ming realized he needed to re-motivate his employee. "Okay. New deal, General. The oath isn't broken. It's just... delayed. We need to secure the assets to fund the eventual creation of that Ultimate Free Brew." "Fund it?" "Yeah. We need money to buy the beans, the roaster, the ceramic mugs. It's an investment! You're still on the clock. Alright, think, General. You know anywhere I can get my hands on something valuable like easy to move, easy to sell, and preferably not involving actual work or paperwork?"
Guan Yu rose, wiping his beard thoughtfully. "Easily convertible assets... Master, the only thing of immediate, convertible value that does not require physical labor is the Cultivation Pills! They are worth vast sums, and the Prince's retainers are currently storing a shipment for the Imperial Festival in the city." Lin Ming's eyes gleamed with greed and immediate apathy toward the ethical implications. "Pills? Like, energy boosters? Perfect! We're doing a smash-and-grab on the Prince's stash. You do the smashing, I'll do the grabbing." The Delivery Demon Debacle Lin Ming needed a distraction for the heist. His mind immediately went to the single functioning piece of infrastructure he'd managed to observe: the ancient world's equivalent of Amazon Prime. He had noticed a small, glowing circle etched into the wall of his room, which Jinzhu had explained was a "Spirit-Delivery Array"… a magical service for receiving goods from the major cities. Lin Ming rushed to the wall, pulling out the jade slips of poetry Li Bai had left as payment. "Okay, Li Bai's useless poems. They're valuable, right? I'll use them as currency for a distraction." He placed five of the jade slips into the glowing circle. He wrote a quick, nonsensical message on a small piece of paper (a receipt from The Grindhouse): Send 1,000 live earthworms and a small goat to the Prince's courtyard. Rush delivery. The Spirit-Delivery Array glowed, consuming the jade slips. "There. A perfectly legal, highly distracting expenditure," Lin Ming announced. "Now, General, we hit the storage facility before they can process the live earthworms." As Lin Ming and Guan Yu slipped out, Li Bai (who had finally shaken off Jinzhu and the silk tassels) staggered back into the room, spotting Lin Ming's dead smartphone. "Ah, the Fragile Black Mirror!" Li Bai cried, clutching the dead device. "Its silence speaks volumes! I must write an Ode to its Silent Sorrow!" Li Bai immediately began to pace, eyes fixed on the device, composing a rhyming elegy. THWACK. ZZZZZT. Outside, a distant, large Spirit-Delivery Drone…a glowing disk of energy suddenly sputtered, smoked, and fell out of the sky several miles from the city, dropping its large cargo. Lin Ming and Guan Yu were halfway to the storage facility when a massive, angry booming sound echoed across the capital. "What was that, Master?" Guan Yu asked, his halberd twitching like it sensed trouble.
Lin Ming froze, eyes wide. "That… uh… might be my fault. Li Bai probably rhymed again."
Back at the storage yard, the Prince's guards stopped mid-guard duty as a blast of smoke and spiritual static ripped through the air. Out of the haze stepped a towering figure in black armor, dripping mud and radiating murderous exhaustion.
"WHO," the figure bellowed, holding up a soggy parcel crawling with live earthworms and one terrified goat, "WAS THE IMBECILE WHO CURSED MY DELIVERY ROUTE WITH POETRY?!"
"I AM DELIVERY DEMON 233," he roared, wings flaring, "AND MY ENTIRE SCHEDULE IS IN RUINS!"
Lin Ming had pulled off the perfect distraction but unfortunately, he'd also just declared war on the ancient world's only functional delivery service.