Chapter 26: Homework That Writes Itself and the Dream of Flying Without a Stupid Stick
You know how portraits and stuff can be charmed to hold conversations as long as it's within the scope of their subjects' living knowledge?
Are you suggesting that we charm our papers to answer the questions for us?
Exactly! I mean, as long as the answer exists within your consciousness, you can put it into magic.
The only reason why students haven't all tried this before is because you can't input information that you don't know into a computer. This literally is just an artificial brain.
Now that's brilliant. Why didn't you mention this before?
Because I'm stupid, and you're stupid, and we didn't think of it.
Huh.
After that incident, all Tom had to do to finish his homework was literally just copy down the essay topics and the length parameters onto his magical piece of paper, which automatically generated a perfectly grammatically correct essay answering said question in his handwriting.
Even if every single class assigned a maximum length essay, he'd still be done in thirty seconds, tops.
See, this was why he was the most amazing person in the history of the world.
You know, Muggle computer science students have successfully submitted college papers using this randomization tactic before.
And they didn't even have magic. They just wrote a mechanical program to do it for them. They even made up scientific terms and graphs.
How do you even know all of this?
Hey – once upon a time, I was a student, too.
Go figure. Slacker Syndrome.
Details, details.
I'm being serious, here.
You will learn what that means when you get to your seventh year and realize that grades are pretty much useless here and all that matters are your OWLs and NEWTS.
Oh. Really.
Theoretically, you could just fail everything and then pass the standardized tests. The only reason why we're doing work is so the teachers like us.
As I said before. Remind me again, why Charms homework doesn't matter?
Basic economic principles. Opportunity cost. Organizing your priorities. You work harder for the teachers who are stricter, and BS more for the lenient teachers.
For someone of your ability, putting in all your effort and simply half-assing it will get you the same grade, so why bother working any harder than you have to? Work at the spells and understand the theory, sure, but as far as this busy work is concerned, it doesn't help you at all. We're just doing it to get it done.
I guess that makes sense.
For example, with Professor Binns, there's very little difference between turning in a paper five inches too short and none. For Professor Dumbledore, you better make sure you're not slacking. Who do you have to work harder for?
I know that, but I'm still concerned that we're scraping too much by the bare minimum. An O- is not enough – we have to be at the top of the class.
Then be at the top of the class, if you like. The self-important Purebloods will probably hate you for it. No one is supposed to be that smart. Realistically you'd at least have a few faults.
Ugh. Playing dumb again?
Just work in the subjects that matter. Defense, Potions, Transfiguration, the works. Charms and Herbology are sort of second-tier – I mean, to us they're still extremely important, but people are generally prejudiced in favor of "#1 in Defense" versus "#1 in Charms." No one gives a damn about Astronomy or Flying.
Broomsticks are stupid. I agree.
…When's flying class again?
I don't know. You're the one who can move his arms to access the schedule.
I just don't want to look like a complete idiot.
Play it cool, and pretend that you're better than broomsticks.
If only we could fly without one. I'd totally do that. Maybe we should add that onto our list of things to do.
Speed travel, but without that annoying stick of wood wedged between your legs. And what's so funny? Why are you laughing?
Nothing.
You're always doing nothing but hanging around in my head. I have to do all of the practical application around here. I'd like to see YOU ride a broomstick.
I'm not laughing at you. I'm just as nervous as you are; trust me. Remember, if you fall, I feel it too – and unlike you, I won't be able to twist around or anything to brace myself.
Then why were you laughing?
Inside joke.
Again?
I'll explain when you're older.
How much older?
Before Hogwarts ends. Maybe.
Whatever. Back to the thing with flying…imagine if we had something that no one could keep tabs on.
Because I'm sure the Ministry would have some control over these damn brooms, or flying carpets, or that Teleportation-Apparition-Floo-Powder-Portkey thing.
But if there was a new, completely original way, that only one person used, I doubt they'd spare all the time and resources to track it, right?
Slow down. One thing at a time. We still have to learn invisibility. It's why I'm helping you improve your efficiency of all things.
But you're always going on about using a system completely unfamiliar with the general public.
Yeah, well, time investment. Remember that. Riddle Portals or whatever you're going to come up with won't help you learn invisibility. Invisibility, on the other hand, will help you make whatever you want to make – and do it even faster.
Invisibility's so boring, though. Well, not exactly. But it's more boring compared to making yourself immortal, right?
Building a foundation is more boring than building a house, but would you rather have a house that topples at the first breeze?
Ugh. Fine.
…I still haven't forgiven you for teaching me to count and do math using the octal numbering system and postfix notation, by the way.
But think about how far ahead you'll be once computers are actually invented!
You completely screwed over my elementary education. I STILL think in octal sometimes and it takes me several seconds to convert back to base 10. It's extremely annoying.
Well, now, if your enemies ever discover your secret plans, and they see something like "100 days left to doomsday", imagine their surprise when it blows up in their faces 36 days early.
Yeah, well, I couldn't count properly all throughout grade school because of you!
Oh, quit whining, you big baby. And stop exaggerating. I know you're lying when you say you have trouble thinking in base 10. I grew up learning how to count in base 8 before base 10, too, and yet here I am.
Shut up, Jerry.
…I still want teleportation, though.
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