Alyx closed her eyes as if gathering strength, but all she felt was indecision. One part of her that still loved her screamed loudly to accept, but another part that wanted to heal before being near her whispered to refuse. And now, in a coffee shop—a place full of the comforting flavors she consumed every day, her territory—she didn't want to start conditioning herself to think of Lily every time she smelled or tasted coffee.
"I have a meeting," she lied. "For trading."
Lily's expression crumbled a bit more. "Ahh... Of course, I understand."
The barista handed Alyx her coffee. She took it and stepped away from the line, though still near Lily. "And you? The apartment?"
"It's... small, a bit cold, but it's mine," said Lily, and her voice held a hint of pride (though feigned), as if trying to convince herself. "I'm... looking for a substitute job at a daycare."
Alyx nodded. It was a perfect job for Lily, full of chaos and tenderness like her. "You'll do well."
Another pause with no clear direction—she didn't know how to continue the conversation or, in Alyx's case, escape with dignity.
"I miss you," slipped out in a soft whisper from Lily's lips, laden with pain that even Alyx felt tightening her chest upon hearing it.
"Not the way we were, or like before. I miss you—your calm silence where you were always with your thoughts, your fierce way of loving, your way of seeing things from different angles. I just miss you, Alyx."
Alyx squeezed the coffee cup so hard the cardboard gave a little, slightly burning her fingertips. Though painful, it was good—that pain helped her focus on the present and not get lost in her thoughts.
"I miss you too, Lily," she admitted, and it was the purest, most heartbreaking truth she had spoken in months. "But I miss the Lily I believed made the three of us invincible, who loved and supported us, and with whom we were going to share our lives. But now I don't know where that Lily is. I don't know if the one standing in front of me now can rebuild the Lily I fell in love with even more than when I first met her." She added, feeling and projecting the truth in every word.
Although Lily felt it was a harsh judgment, it was also fair, considering everything she had put them through by choosing to chase that dream, leaving behind what was already secure and abandoning it for another, hurting both of her loves.
"Maybe..." "perhaps with time," whispered Lily.
"Maybe," repeated Alyx, not as a promise but as one possibility among many.
"I have to go," she said, determined to leave the conversation there.
Lily didn't stop her and watched her leave, her green eyes bright with tears.
With the Group
Now, as days passed, everyone began to feel Alyx's absence more acutely. Before, it was a gentle wave barely touching the shore; now it was stronger, like waves that push children and adults from the sea's edge straight onto the beach sand.
It was evident with Marshall, who was now in a lethargic and confused state. With the new void Alyx left in his life, he didn't know how to fill it. He let himself be convinced by Barney to go "fishing" for women at bars, but he couldn't let Barney take them, though his melancholic air generated interest in women.
One night after a disastrous date Barney set up out of pity, Marshall found himself sitting on Alyx's old sofa, looking at his phone with five missed calls from Lily that he ignored every time it rang, a couple of messages from Robin asking if he had seen Alyx, but none from Alyx herself. The woman had moved and disappeared.
And now, without her, he wondered what she was doing, how she was, and if she was okay alone.
Clumsily, he dialed her number. It rang several times before going to voicemail. Her professional voice responded briefly: "This is Alyx. Leave a message."
"Umm... Hi, Alyx, it's Marshall... Just calling to see how you're doing... with your new place and if you want to come by sometime, we could grab something... Well, we... I miss you."
He hung up, feeling foolish for stammering so much, not knowing what to say with so many silences between words. A few minutes later, his phone rang, but it wasn't a call—it was a text.
From Alyx: I'm fine, Marshall.
Busy, but thanks for asking.
Talk soon.
It was the most generic, distant message he had received from her in years. Marshall read it over and over, searching for a subtext that wasn't there. There was no "Marshmallow," no dry joke—just nothing.
Ted, who had observed from the kitchen, approached. "Alyx?"
"Yeah," said Marshall, putting the phone aside. "She seems... distant."
"It's because she is distant, man," said Ted with that occasional insight he had about emotional situations. "Physically and emotionally. Maybe we needed her to step away for us to realize she was always here. Not just as your... three-way partner, or whatever you called what you three were, but as Alyx."
Marshall looked at him, astonished. It was the most lucid observation or reflection he had heard from anyone in weeks (aside from overhearing Alyx and Lily's argument).
"Do you think we were taking her for granted?" Marshall asked doubtfully.
Ted shrugged. "At least I did. Robin says she did too. Barney, well, he thinks it's a very advanced dating tactic so that whoever it's applied to can't stop looking for or thinking about you, and he wants her to teach him."
A flash of the old Marshall appeared in his brief smile at Barney's antics, but it quickly faded. "And how do we... get her to come back? Not to come back with me, Lily, or whatever. But to come back and be with everyone, even if just as a friend to me."
"I don't think we can do anything, Marshall," sighed Ted.
"We can only wait and be there when she decides to come back... If she decides to." He added.
That night, Marshall couldn't sleep. He got up and went to the kitchen, seeing the empty space where Alyx's coffee maker used to be. He sighed softly, took a cup from the cabinet, and poured himself water. While taking sips, he looked at the empty space and thought to himself that even if she came back, he didn't know how to make things like before—nothing would be if she didn't let them get close
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