INT. PADDY'S PUB — DAY — CONTINUOUS
(GOJO stands in the doorway like he's waiting for a tour guide. The TRACKSUIT GUYS stiffen like they've finally summoned a manager. The GANG stares like five raccoons just met a magician.)
DEE(immediately, too bright; stepping into his path)
Hi! Welcome to—uh—America.
DENNIS(instant hostility; cutting in)
No. Don't welcome him.
(to Gojo, tight smile)
Who are you, and why are you dressed like you're about to ruin my day?
GOJO(pleasant; scanning the bar like it's a museum exhibit)
This place has… a vibe.
CHARLIE(awed; whispering like he's in church)
That's because it's holy.
FRANK(still on his knees; desperate)
LISTEN— I CAN EXPLAIN THE MONEY THING—
I WAS YOUNG— I WAS DUMB— I WAS VERY HORNY—
DEE(to Frank, disgusted)
Why are you confessing like you're on Japan court?
FRANK(terrified, whispering)
Because this is Japan debt, Dee! They don't do bankruptcy! They do sword!
MAC(squinting at Gojo; dismissive)
I'm not impressed. He's thin.
(puffs up)
I could take him.
GOJO(smiles at Mac like he's a puppy growling at a vacuum)
Yeah?
DENNIS(stepping forward; manager posture activated)
Okay. Great. Perfect. You're in charge?
GOJO(nodding once, remembering manners)
Sure.
DENNIS(relieved, smug)
Fantastic. I need to speak to your manager.
(A beat. The TRACKSUIT GUYS exchange looks like, this is America, these people are a curse.)
GOJO(smiling wider, entertained)
I can do that.
DENNIS(leaning in, satisfied)
Excellent. Here's the issue: the city is malfunctioning.
People are screaming, biting metal, and blaming my bar for demonic activity.
CHARLIE(helpful, whispering to Gojo)
He's right. The street's possessed. The parking meters are watching.
FRANK(scrambling up; shoving the DUFFEL toward Gojo)
We got the product right here! It's foreign! Foreign is quality!
DENNIS(snaps)
Stop calling it "product." It's drugs, Frank. It's felony powder.
DEE(popping her phone up; front camera on)
Okay, okay—just real quick—can we get your name for the stream?
Like— "Hi guys, I'm here with—"
DENNIS(cold, without looking at her)
Nobody is streaming an international incident.
GOJO(tilts his head; amused)
International.
TRACKSUIT #2(tight; to Gojo)
People are acting… possessed. The shipment was rumored to be… cursed-adjacent.
MAC(eyes lighting up)
Cursed-adjacent.
(to Gojo, eager)
So you're an exorcist.
GOJO(shrugs)
Sure.
CHARLIE(immediately; reverent)
Saint.
DENNIS(immediate correction)
Manager.
FRANK(under his breath)
Executioner.
(Outside: a SHRIEK. Then a METALLIC CLANG like someone just headbutted civic infrastructure.)
GOJO(glances toward the window; casual)
Let's take a look.
DENNIS(already moving to follow, controlling)
Great. Yes. You and I will take a look. Privately.
Because I'm the only adult here.
GOJO(smiles)
Okay.
DENNIS(starting to feel power)
And then you'll explain "cursed energy" to me.
Because I have a strong suspicion it's just charisma with a meter.
GOJO(deadpan, amused)
Sure.
MAC(to himself; shadowboxing)
Holy warrior arc begins.
DEE(to herself; practicing a smile)
American girlfriend side character begins.
CHARLIE(to the bar; whispering)
Blessings begin.
FRANK(to the duffel; hungry)
Franchise begins.
DENNIS(slams a hand on the bar)
NO ONE SAY FRANCHISE—
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE PADDY'S — DAY
(Absolute Philly chaos. A SHIRTLESS GUY in basketball shorts is BITING a PARKING METER like it's corn-on-the-cob. Two WOMEN are SCREAMING at a mailbox. Someone is SHADOWBOXING a trash can. It's a city having an allergic reaction to itself.)
DENNIS(stepping out; disgusted)
This is unacceptable.
MAC(stepping out right behind; thrilled)
There!
(points at the shirtless guy)
Cursed spirit.
DENNIS(flat)
That's not a spirit, Mac. That's a guy who failed gym class.
GOJO(looking at the shirtless guy; mild)
That's… not curses.
TRACKSUIT #1(uneasy; insisting)
He's biting metal.
GOJO(shrugs)
Some people do that.
DENNIS(turning to Gojo; furious)
Okay, no—no, don't normalize this.
You're the Japan Manager. Fix the street.
DEE(pushing in; streamer voice immediately)
Hey babes! Okay, everyone breathe— we are grounding— we are—
(A WOMAN turns, eyes wild.)
WOMAN(screaming)
DON'T BABE ME!
DEE(flinches, still smiling through it)
Okay! Great feedback! Love the feedback!
GOJO(to Dee, polite)
That's not working.
DEE(hurt, defensive)
I'm calibrating!
MAC(marching toward the shirtless guy; puffed up)
FOUL SPIRIT—
(raises his hands like he's about to do karate-prayer)
I COMMAND YOU—
(The guy CHOMPS harder and GROWLS like a junkyard dog.)
MAC(immediate panic; backing up)
OKAY—OKAY—STRONG SPIRIT—!
DENNIS(to Gojo, snappish)
Control your cursed employee!
GOJO(patient, amused)
He's not my employee.
DENNIS(gesturing at the chaos)
Then who is?! Who is the Head Sorcerer of this operation?!
GOJO(thinking, then pointing vaguely at the sky)
Probably… that way.
DENNIS(locking onto the sky, immediately buying it)
Great.
(shouting upward)
HEAD SORCERER!
I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE!
(There is no response, because the sky is not a help desk.)
CHARLIE(popping his head out the door; calling after Dennis, sincere)
Dennis! Ask if they do blessings!
DENNIS(still yelling at the sky)
DO YOU HAVE A BLESSINGS PACKAGE?
IS IT A SUBSCRIPTION?!
GOJO(to the tracksuits; casual)
Where did the drugs go?
TRACKSUIT #3(pointing, irritated)
Street priest rat. Cricket. He stole it.
GOJO(nods like "that tracks")
Okay.
FRANK(barging out; holding the duffel like evidence)
It's not stolen! It's commerce! It's redistribution!
DENNIS(snaps back to Frank)
Stop talking like you're running a nonprofit cartel!
FRANK(gesturing at the chaos)
Look at that guy biting the meter! That's demand, Dennis!
DEE(still trying to calm people; waving hands)
Okay! Hey! Let's just— let's just stop biting government stuff!
(A GUY turns on her, snarling like a feral influencer-hater.)
GUY
I'M GONNA EAT YOUR PHONE!
DEE(screams, retreats)
NO! NO! MY BRAND!
CHARLIE(backing into the bar; frantic)
Okay—okay—bar sanctuary.
(to himself, devotional)
We bless the perimeter.
GOJO(claps his hands once; cheerful, like assigning chores)
Alright.
You guys help me.
DENNIS(whips around; offended)
No. Absolutely not. We are not "helping."
You are helping us.
GOJO(smiling; still cheerful)
You're already involved.
DENNIS(tight)
I'm involved as a stakeholder.
GOJO(pointing like he's assigning interns)
Dennis—go talk to people. Find the source.
Mac—handle… that guy.
Dee—keep people calm.
Charlie—stay inside.
Frank—don't touch anything.
FRANK(immediate outrage)
Why am I the only one who can't touch things?!
GOJO(pleasant)
Because you look like you touch things wrong.
CHARLIE(beaming)
He sees you.
MAC(pumped, adopting stance)
Yes. Yes! I'm the warrior.
DEE(fixing her hair)
I'm the PR.
DENNIS(straightening; furious, but unable to resist being in charge of something)
Fine.
But I'm negotiating with the curse system.
GOJO(smiles like "sure, buddy")
Great.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK — DAY
(DENNIS(marching up to a trembling GUY clutching a stop sign like it's a weapon))
DENNIS(customer-service voice; fake pleasant)
Hi! Hello! I'm Dennis.
On a scale of one to ten, how cursed do you feel today?
STOP SIGN GUY(wide-eyed)
My teeth are singing.
DENNIS(nods, like that's a valid complaint)
Okay. Great. Great.
And when did the singing teeth begin? Before or after you ingested… the crime dust.
STOP SIGN GUY(sudden rage)
DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M NORMAL!
DENNIS(immediate offense)
I'm not! I'm talking to you like you're a problem.
(The guy SCREAMS and bolts away.)
DENNIS(calling after him)
THAT'S NOT A SOLUTION—!
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING METER — DAY
(MAC(squaring up to the shirtless guy, doing little hops like a boxer))
MAC(chanting like he's in a movie)
Okay. Okay.
Warrior breath.
Warrior focus.
Holy—
(The guy LUNGES and BITES at Mac's forearm.)
MAC(screams; flailing)
NO NO NO—NOT LIKE THAT—!
(Mac SHOVES him away, trips off the curb, and lands on his ass.)
MAC(panting, pointing)
GOJO!
EXORCISE HIM!
(GOJO(without moving; the guy runs forward and suddenly can't reach Gojo—like he's stuck in slow-motion molasses. The guy keeps chomping at empty air, furious.))
MAC(staring; awed)
Oh my God… force field.
MAC(immediately jealous)
That's cheating.
GOJO(pleasant)
It's efficient.
MAC(to himself; bitter)
I need a force field.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. PADDY'S DOORWAY — DAY
(DEE(stepping out, influencer voice cranked up, hands in "calming" position))
DEE(bright)
Okay, hi friends! We're just gonna take a deep breath—
We're safe, we're—
(A WOMAN wheels on her, FOAMING slightly.)
WOMAN(howling)
YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!
DEE(still smiling, eyes terrified)
Okay! Great! Love that!
You're empowered!
(The woman picks up a BOTTLE and hurls it. Dee shrieks and ducks back inside.)
DEE(inside, furious)
THIS CITY HATES WOMEN!
DENNIS(passing by, snapping)
This city hates YOU!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. PADDY'S PUB — DAY
(CHARLIE(behind the bar, moving with solemn purpose, dunking bar rags in beer like holy water))
CHARLIE(whispering to the taps)
Be clean.
Be pure.
Don't be demon beer.
(CHARLIE(slaps a wet rag onto the cash register like he's sealing a portal.))
CHARLIE(to the register)
I forgive you.
(FRANK(trying to sneak behind the bar; Charlie blocks him like a bouncer at church.))
FRANK(hissing)
Move, priest! I gotta weigh!
CHARLIE(deadly sincere)
No.
The bar is sanctified.
Your hands are not.
FRANK(offended)
My hands are entrepreneurial!
CHARLIE(leans in)
Your hands are cursed, Frank.
(FRANK(pauses, then immediately interested))
FRANK(whispering)
Cursed hands…
That's branding.
(Outside: a crescendo of SHOUTING. Something BIG hits a CAR. A car alarm becomes the soundtrack of doom.)
GOJO(stepping into the bar; calm)
Okay.
This isn't curses.
DENNIS(storming in, furious, sweating)
Yes it is! The system ignored me!
I demanded escalation and it just— it just kept screaming!
GOJO(to the tracksuits, casual)
It's drugs.
TRACKSUIT #2(tight, embarrassed)
It's… very strong.
DEE(snaps)
Cricket did this.
MAC(snaps too, clutching his arm like it's been spiritually violated)
Cricket did this.
FRANK(already nodding)
Cricket did this.
CHARLIE(soft, sad)
Cricket unleashed the street demons.
DENNIS(eyes narrowing, deciding)
We find Cricket.
GOJO(pleasant, already bored of them)
Sure.
(A beat. Gojo's gaze flicks to the DUFFEL, then to the TRASH CAN near the door. Something small and ugly skitters in the shadows—like a little idea of a curse.)
(GOJO(casually flicks his finger. The skittering thing pops out of existence like it got unsubscribed.))
CHARLIE(eyes huge)
He just… blessed the air.
MAC(jealous, whispering)
That was my move.
DEE(trying to be cool, failing)
So like… do you wanna— do you wanna bless me next?
DENNIS(instant)
No.
GOJO(smiling, to Dennis)
Your friend—Cricket.
Where would he run?
(DENNIS(doesn't even hesitate.))
DENNIS
Like a rat.
Toward other rats.
To distribute rat treasure.
FRANK(perking up)
He went to the homeless guys.
DEE(horrified)
Oh my God.
MAC(determined)
We're going into the field.
CHARLIE(grabbing a rag like it's a holy weapon)
We take the blessing to the streets.
DENNIS(already moving)
We are not blessing anything.
We are retrieving product, restoring order, and finding the Head Sorcerer—
(beat)
—so I can file a complaint.
GOJO(smiles like he's having the best day)
Awesome.
SMASH TO BLACK.