I tasted the damp earth before I smelt it, dirt sinking between my teeth. Cold spread across my mouth, my cheek, my palms.
For a split second I thought I was still running—that I had only tripped. And if I pushed myself up fast enough I could keep going.
But my body didn't listen.
Rain soaked into my bones, heavy and unkind. I needed to keep running, but my legs wouldn't move.
The sky above me blurred, and all I could see were the trees, swaying to the rhythm of the wind. The storm had raged on.
In the distance I heard a church bell ring. But that was impossible, there was no scheduled service until tomorrow. And I knew that because my father had put me in charge of the sermon.
That was before everything went to shit, and they found out—
"Mary!" I heard someone yell in an unrecognizable voice. "Mary!"
I tried to sink deeper into the ground. I couldn't let them find me. Not now, not ever.
"Mary!" the voice called again. "She was supposed to serve during Evening mass. But no one has seen her since lunch."
"Oh, dear. I've told Sister Magaret to never let her wander off on her own. Not after what happened last time," an older voice replied.
Who were these people?
I held my breath as their footsteps came dangerously close to where I laid. My parents must've sent them out to find me. I would be damned if they dragged me back to them.
Except I felt something slimy crawl over my ankle and couldn't help the scream that left my lips. I slammed my mouth shut with my hand but it was already too late.
"Did you hear that?" the younger one said, "I think she's here."
It was a matter of seconds before a pale face was peering down at me. "Sister, I've found her."
An older woman with a veil covering her head comes next, her face twisted with worry. "Dear child, what have you done this time?"
I shook my head fervently. "Please, don't take me back. He'll kill me, I've done something unforgivable. Please…" my lungs started to close in on itself, I could barely breathe.
It felt like the earth beneath me was coming alive and threatening to swallow me whole. All I could see was the disappointed face of my father.
Oh, Lord. What have I done?
"Everything is alright, you're alright," said the nun. "Now come, let's get you warm. You can tell me how you got here after.
"I'm never going back." My hands balled into fists. "I can't go back."
The two women exchanged a confused expression before they reached down and grabbed my arms to pull me out of the ditch they'd found me in.
I tried to fight, to tell them I'd rather face judgement in front of God than let my father get his hands on me. But my body was limp, I couldn't move.
They'd just laid me back on the floor after bringing me out when I heard more voices yelling in the background. It felt like I was viewing my life from the outside, a spectator in my own body.
I felt a hot hand on my forehead just before my eyes closed on their own.
All I saw was a white ceiling the next time I opened my eyes. There was also the strong smell of disinfectant. Where the hell was I?
"You're awake."
The soft feminine voice had me snapping my head to the side.
Plain white walls faded away to reveal a woman seated on the only chair in the room. Her chin was in her hand, eyes a tired soft brown that looked like the whisky I drank whenever my parents were out of town.
She pushed herself up, her gaze calculating on me. "I'll ask you this question, Mary. I need you to be honest. Can you do that for me?"
I gave her a faint nod.
"Did you try to kill yourself?"
My throat ran dry. "What? I'd never do that."
She pushed her fingers through her brown hair. "I told you to answer honestly." She stood up and walked over to me, taking my hands in a firm grasp. "You don't have to worry about me telling the sisters."
Her fingers traced the back of my hand, the feeling was oddly familiar.
"You can tell me things you don't want anyone else to know. You still trust me, don't you?"
Usually I hated being touched like this, human touch revolted me. But the circles she traced leisurely on my hand felt like she was a siren and I was being called to sea.
"Like I told you before, I'd never do that. My father said it's a sin to take a life that was freely given to you." I looked at her properly, watching the way her bosom pressed against the thin fabric of her shirt. She didn't wear a veil like the others.
I looked away, my cheeks burning. I shouldn't be noticing details like this in my fellow woman.
Her forehead creased with confusion. "What parents? You're an orphan."
"What are you on about? I know my father is the one that sent you guys after me. Where is he now? I can't let him find me, not after what I've done." I could feel the panic start to set in.
She dropped my hands and put the back of her palm on my forehead. "I think you're running a fever and it's making you delirious. Is this about the conversation we had earlier?"
My head was beginning to throb. "I appreciate you and…the others, for helping me. But I have to leave now. My life is in danger if I don't get out of here." I sat up, groaning when my entire body hurt. "I…uhm, appreciate you?"
She said nothing as I stood up, only watched in quiet curiosity.
My legs hit the floor and I would've toppled over if she hadn't reached out on time to keep me in place.
Her hands were tight around my waist, and I hated how I noticed that they fit perfectly around me.
"I need to get off the island," I muttered, moving away from her grasp. "Can you help me with that?"
She stood up. "What I can help you with, My dear Mary, is some medications to help your spiraling thoughts. You can stay here or go back to your dorm. I'll come find you when I get clearance from the clinic to administer the new drug to you."
I shook my head. "I think you're mistaking me for someone else. I need to leave here, right now." I stumbled to the door and pushed it open.
The hallway was empty so I made a run for it. I didn't stop until I got to the end and pushed the door open.
Instead of the quiet sea of trees that were packed so tightly their trunks seemed to breathe as one, I'm met with tall buildings and girls running around with veils covering their heads. I turned back to see the woman from earlier standing behind me.
"What is this place?" I asked, desperately searching for the old church building and the neighboring houses that belonged to the church workers.
As far as I was concerned, I'd been running into the endless repetition of bark and leaves, desperate to get away from everyone.
And now?
I was in a strange place that looked more like a school than the abandoned island my father had relocated our small family to.
"Sancta Veritas Academy. You transferred here a week ago after you lost your parents. At least that's what your file says."
I was shaking my head when I turned back to the scene in front of me. "I've attended the community school all my life and my parents are well and alive. How many times do I have to tell you that?"
She put a hand on my shoulder. "Dearest Mary, I think you're just in shock. Grief can show up in different ways. It's not linear."
I've heard that endearment before. A thousand times actually.
Mary. My dearest Mary. Come to me Mary.
It was followed by images of written letters, hidden notes passed in the darkness of the library, whispered nothings. And the voices in the memory sounded a lot like the woman behind me.
"I'll take you to your dorm. You already skipped dinner so I'll smuggle in a few pastries from the kitchen." She came closer, putting an arm on my shoulder when I didn't respond. "Are you alright?"
I shook my head, my lungs immediately collapsing with the immediate need to breathe in all the air I could.
"I don't understand." I looked up at her in pure horror. "I don't understand any of this. My father…he…he…" I was struggling to breathe and get the words out at the same time.
Her open palm found the middle of my back and started to rub in a firm circular motion. "Breathe…" her voice was a lazy drawl that was immediately soothing. "Focus on the pressure of my hand, let it keep you grounded."
My hysteria slowed down to a quiet buzz at the back of my head. "I need to leave," I said in a little voice. "I can't let him find me."
"How about we go straight to my office and you tell me everything that happened?" she asked in that chastising voice that was reserved for kids.
I nodded anyway and followed her across the courtyard. Students in uniform glanced our way, their faces filled with judgement and…repulse?
I pressed myself further into the woman's side as she led us into a two-storey building with peeling paint.
If she was disturbed by the way I clung to her arm, she didn't complain. Only throwing a worried glance my way when we passed a group of nuns in a heated discussion. It had something to do with a missing girl.
"Have you noticed anything strange happen since you enrolled into the school?" she asked when we stopped in front of a beatdown door at the end of a dimly lit hallway. "The students, I want to know if anyone said anything to you that made you spiral."
She sat me down on the only sofa that was tucked to the corner of the room. A tiny desk was placed behind it, a shelf with books shielding it from the sun glaring through the window.
"Now that we have the privacy of my office, I want you to drop the act and tell me what is really wrong. Why did you throw yourself into that ditch after you ran out of my office? Were you trying to kill yourself?"
My brows furrowed. "I've never been here before, and I've never tried to kill myself, ever."
The warmth on her face disappeared and it was replaced with the look of disgust I've become so familiar with. "Are you throwing a tantrum because I pushed you away when you kissed me?"
My voice was thick. "I've never met you before and I never got enrolled into this school. I don't know what happened—" I couldn't bear the look of disbelief on her face. "You have to believe me."
"Let's see if this will juggle your memory a bit," she replied, taking slow deliberate steps towards me.
"No, you can't—"
A gasp fell off my lips when she bent down and captured my lips with hers. My entire world came to an abrupt stop, shock turning into an incessant ringing in my ears.
I've thought about how my first kiss would happen so many times in the past. I'd imagined it would be a respectable man my father would pick for me.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would happen this minute while I was on the run. I wanted to push her away but my curiosity got the best of me.
The kiss started as a sweet little thing, like the taste of a communion before raging down my throat as burning hot liquid.
I've written desires like this, ones that curled their fingers around you and strangled you to sleep. I've told stories of what it felt to be a woman, kissing another woman—that pure unconditional love that sank its depths into the essence of your being.
But this was the first time I was living it, the buzz in my bloodstream and how lightheaded it made me. I wanted to merge my body with hers and let her bite into my skin—feel the tender need for her that has poisoned my blood.
I pressed deeper into her, a moan slipping through when her big breasts came flat against my barely existent ones. I wanted to rip her shirt to pieces and—
She pulled away. "Do you remember now?"
It took me a moment to catch my breath. I was about to answer when a loud knock sounded through the door. She immediately pushed me behind the shelf before going to answer.
My eyes scanned the area, confusion setting in when I realized the books sitting there all had no names on the spine. And the shelf itself had no legs, like it was floating above the ground. It reminded me of the manuscript I was currently working on.
The female lead in my book had died and woken up in an alternate universe where she had been enrolled in an all girls' catholic school with no memory of who she was before then.
A chilling sensation made its way down my spine.
In the scene where she'd kissed her teacher for the first time—the setting was exactly like this. One couch tucked into the corner. A couple books on the shelf with no names because I'd been too lazy to give a proper description.
That was when it hit me.
Buried in the dirt, being rescued by nuns, a teacher that said I'd kissed her—I was in my own book. No fucking way.
Something was wrong. Terribly wrong.
I hadn't noticed the teacher until she cleared her throat. "What about now? Did you recall anything?" she asked in a breathless whisper.
I nodded. "The memories are there, but they're not mine."