[At a point in life, you have nothing, or you can say that your life is all about being on the tracks of what everyone else has followed. People come, people go. Things change, things don't. But nobody stops for anyone. They move on in their life without even realizing what they are leaving behind, or what life could have expected from them. Big world, isn't it?
I think, NO. Life is a small thread in your hands—a thread acting as a string to pull and collect everything, trying to keep them in one place. The string acts as the solitude of remembrance, to keep you who you are. The so-called phenomenon of fate makes you travel here and there in life, taking you along with itself, trying to mold you like a kid playing with clay—making a doll, an animal, or something memorable.
Humans have this tendency in them to keep themselves remembered by everyone in their life. Nobody wants to be forgotten, especially in their youth. They want to be someone remembered for eternity. The only way to be someone like that is through love.
Loving someone so much that they can't forget what you have done for them—what you were like when you were around them. When they are overly filled with your love, they can't forget a single step of your presence in their life.
But what if you were remembered by everyone not for what you show, but for what they see? Life is always unpredictable when it comes to assurance—assuring someone will remember what you said to them, assuring someone will do as you told them, assuring they will not become someone else behind your back. Assuring… Assuring… Assuring…]
Blood dripped like water, flowing continuously in a stream down from the back of my hand to Samayra's collarbone, and then onto her clothes. Trembling with the fear of death, she wasn't even opening her eyes. She kept them squinted—fully contracted to a sense where it hurt. She was breathing heavily, not showing any sense of calm, as sweat covered her whole body.
It made me realize she wasn't ready to die. She had just moved the blade in an instant—to injure herself, to tell herself she was here and still sane.
Tears flowed down her face. She opened her mouth softly, trying to say something. Her eyes were so filled with dense water that she couldn't even see properly through them. She then tried to open her eyes wide. Seeing me first, staring at her with a little smile on my face, she made a confused expression. But in the next second, her eyes moved toward her neck. She saw my hand there, covered in blood, and her own hand holding the knife in a drifted manner. It wasn't a perfect grip, but it was positioned in a way that could have cut her deeply.
It told me that this wasn't her first time. I knew this just as I knew the cuts on her joints that she tried so hard to cover. She panicked watching the scene, her expression horror-stricken. She cried while speaking to me.
"Dylan… Wh—whh—what have you done?"
"Relax yourself."
"No, no, no, no! Bandage! Where is the first aid? You need it!"
She ran through the hall, checking every drawer in the kitchen. In a hurry, her hands were trembling as she opened each one, but she couldn't find anything. She then ran into the living room, checking everything, throwing items out of the drawers in her search. Finally, it became worth it. She saw the first aid box.
Wrapping the bandage around my hand, she tried to cover up what had become a source of terror for her. Her eyes filled up with tears again, and her hands trembled with fear at the view of my hand. Tears flowed as she tried to stop crying, biting her own lips in an attempt to keep herself from breaking apart.
"I am sorry. I am sorry."
*Sobs*
"I shouldn't have done this."
*Sobs*
"I am sorry."
I moved my injured hand toward her left ear. Resting my thumb on her cheek, I moved my hand in empathy. Looking her in the eyes, I said again.
"There is no need to worry. I am here."
Maybe this might be the wall stopping me from attaching myself to her. Samayra questioned herself after everything, telling me that I don't understand anything she has been going through. I want to say it. I want her to believe it.
But would it really be something I am ready for? The fear in me... The thing that little Dylan had talked about... There was just a thin thread left between it. The time to face myself has arrived.
If I remember correctly, it still haunts me.
[13 Years ago]
The sky was blue as a cold breeze blew through my hair. The sun was shining in the most odd way at that time. The leaves on the trees were dancing like raindrops flowing down the air. Enjoying that moment was something I really cherished.
But then.
"Oye, Dylan!"
*Smash*
I moved back and saw my friend across the classroom. He threw a plastic bottle filled with water toward me, and it smashed onto my face. Smiling at me at that moment, he laughed. It made me angry, so I took the bottle and sent it flying back toward him.
*Smash*
"Woah, look out, man!"
The bottle opened in mid-air and all the water spilled out. The bottle flew through the air while pouring water across the classroom. It smashed onto Alex's face, and he just laughed at that moment.
"You are stupid, Dylan!"
"Haha."
Suddenly, two girls came walking inside. Seeing Alex in front of them, they made snooty faces and tried to complain to him. They both started scolding him.
"Don't you have eyes? Get aside."
"Yeah, don't be in our way."
"Uh, I am sorry."
"Seriously, you are pathetic."
"Really, you can't leave the area without getting attention, right?"
Those were really harsh words to say. They moved in and saw that their bags were all wet, and their tables were wet too. They were annoyed by the action as they saw all of this. They turned around and started scolding Alex again.
"You, seriously! Now you have even dirtied our bags!"
"I am sorry, but it's not my fault."
"Yeah? Then whose was it?"
"It was Dylan!"
"Don't lie, dumbass."
"Yes, Dylan wouldn't do any stupid stuff like this."
"But it's true!"
"I know you are just trying to make a fuss because no girl ever likes you."
"You know no girl will ever like you if you act like this all the time."
He was freaked out by all of this. He started calling out to me.
"Oye, Dylan, tell them the truth! They will eat me alive!"
*Sleep*
He looked at me wide-eyed as I pretended to be asleep. Maybe the best way to handle this situation was by ignoring it.
"What do you want to say? He is sleeping right now."
Both of the girls started taking action against him again. He took a devious turn in front of them. They both were shocked for a moment, and in the next second, he ran—running at full speed so nobody could catch him. The girls ran behind him too. Well, this was quite a spectacle to watch.
"Why are you making so much noise?"
"Geez, really? Can't you all be silent for a second?"
I forgot that my other friends were also in the class. Looking around, some were sleeping on the benches, some were enjoying their lunch, while some had just come back from the restroom. Well, it was quite a scene during lunchtime for us. It was the only time when we could all be ourselves and relax. Thinking like this, school felt like our home, and we were just like this every day. But I guess that was something I said too early in life.
I was about to go back to the window and try sleeping for a few minutes before the period started, but then.
"Hey, guys, listen here!"
Our so-called fatso came running into the class. We used to call him Bell Po—short for "belly pounds"—but we never actually made fun of him for being fat. Instead, he was the strongest person in our whole group. He came up to us and said.
"Look, I found her Facebook profile! It's Carol and her friends!"
Everyone who was sleeping suddenly perked up their ears; they all woke up in an instant. Every friend of mine formed a circle around the benches and started viewing his phone.
"Bell Po! When did you bring your phone?"
"Yeah, we thought it was taken away by the P.T. teacher!"
He smiled at us and replied in a smirking tone.
"I have my ways of taking it back."
"Well, that was impressive."
We saw all their photos—all the girls from other sections were present there. Some were in a group, while some were standing alone. As all the boys looked at them, they noticed the girls had posed in all kinds of weird styles—looking like models in some poses, while others were so absurd. Why is she even crouching? Why is she showing off her butt more than her face? What does a photo mean if she isn't showing her face?
But my friends had different opinions about it.
"Oh, look at her! Mitchell, look how sexy she is in those clothes!"
"You are talking about her? Look at Kaix, look how hot she is! She looks more and more impressive than anyone. I wish she were mine."
"Hey, look at this one!"
We looked at the photo. There was a girl standing. She was from Section C. She was said to be the most beautiful girl in all the 9th sections. There wasn't a single boy who didn't have a crush on her. Everybody liked her, and even students from upper classes tried hitting on her.
"I wish she were mine, bro."
"Wish to be squeezed between those big breasts of hers."
"It's like a dream come true."
"I wish she would sit on me, bro."
"That's my dream too."
Everybody talked about something so weird—things we hadn't talked about before. It felt like I didn't belong with them. It actually made me wonder.
"Why are you talking like this?"
"..."
They all just stared at me for a second. I took the phone from Bell Po's hands and scrolled through the pictures.
"What's so special about her? She looks like any normal girl. Plus, it isn't even a good photo if she poses like that."
They all just looked at me as our eyes met. Then they all started laughing. I went blank, not understanding what was happening.
"Really, Dylan? You think like that?"
"WHAT, are you gay or something?"
"He surely is if he doesn't like those kinds of photos."
"Dylan... don't you like hot girls?"
"No, it's just..."
"Okay, tell us, what is your type?"
I quickly took the phone again and searched for an ID. Showing it to them, they were all in shock.
"Is she really...?"
"I wish him peace if you are going after her."
They all started praying. Joining their hands together, they all said, "Amen."
Wait a minute, that is not what you say when you join your hands to pray.
"Hey, what are you guys doing?"
At that point, Alex came back, having had his life spared by the girls. He came running, sweating so much that his clothes were dripping water.
"Actually, Dylan just told us who he likes!"
"Really? Who is it?"
Alex became so curious that he started asking everybody who she was. I stood silent, not showing any expression. Then somebody passed the phone to Alex. In excitement, he looked at the screen.
"Let's see who it is! I'm telling you, when I find out, I will tell every girl in the class!"
But his excitement vanished in a moment. He dropped the phone. Looking downward, he walked up to me in silence. Grabbing my shirt by the collar, he raged.
"Dylan!"
"..."
"That's my girlfriend, you dumbass!"
He started shaking me with all his force. Everybody tried calming him down, but he didn't listen. At that point, one of them said:
"Man, if Dylan hits on her, it's game over for you, bro!"
Alex cried and raged at him.
"If you can't say something good, then don't say anything at all!"
I stepped in front of him, calming him down. I said.
"Man, I was just joking. Please stop crying now."
"Really? You are telling the truth?"
"Yeah."
He hugged me tightly, and everyone around us laughed. It was quite a scenario for him to be so terrified. From the moment he got a girlfriend, he was afraid of only one thing: what if she leaves him for somebody else? It had only been two months since they started dating, but he was head over heels for her.
Everybody in our friend circle laughed until their stomachs hurt. It was the kind of scenario I liked—the environment I always wanted around myself, the way I wanted to live for eternity. But I guess that was not what fate had in store for me.
Later that same evening, I went back home after saying goodbye to my friends.
"I'm home!"
Walking up to my room, I threw my bag and sat on the floor. As I tried to calm myself, a sudden panic surged through me. My heartbeat rose, and I couldn't control my breathing. My breath hitched far beyond its natural pace.
*Huff*
*Huff*
I panted heavier and heavier, and only a few words kept echoing back to me:
'What, are you gay?'
'Are you gay?'
It was like a nightmare for me. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had been outcasted by my own friends. It felt so hellish that my eyes closed on their own. Falling into the dark abyss of my own thoughts, I slept.
"Dylan, Dylan, wake up! Wake up, Dylan!"
Shaking me to wake me up, my mom came up to me.
"Wake up, or else you won't be able to sleep at night."
I rubbed my face, looking at her with dim eyes. She looked at me with a worried expression. Believing I was not feeling well, she checked my temperature by touching my forehead.
"Do you have a fever? Why are your eyes so swollen?"
"Nothing, it must be because of sleep."
"Are you sure? You haven't gone out to play today."
"Yes, I am fine."
"Okay, come down in a minute. The food is ready."
She said that and walked out. I looked around my room and then started walking. There was still an eerie feeling inside me, but I wasn't sure how to describe it.
Eating our food on the couch while watching TV—this was the time I mostly spent relaxing. Moments like these came only once in a while. Mom stayed at home all day doing chores, while Dad worked his eight-hour job. My entire time was taken up by school and playing outside.
"What the hell are they even showing?"
I tilted my head up toward the screen. There was a movie playing. At first, I didn't understand the context of why my mother said that, but then I heard the dialogue:
"Why can't you just leave us alone?"
"You know why! A relationship between a man and a man is something we will never accept!"
"But why? Don't you want me to be happy? What have we done wrong here? He loves me, and I love him!"
"What did you say?!"
After that, the father started hitting both of them, anger written all over his face. His expression made it clear he wasn't going to leave them alive. To me, that scene felt like a deep, heartfelt conflict—but not to my mom.
"Geez, it had to happen. If he had loved a girl, his father would have been a bit calmer than this."
"But why was it wrong?"
My mom looked at me with shocked eyes. She didn't understand why I said that.
"Why? You think it was okay?"
"No, but I think there was nothing wrong with it."
"Just look at it. If he acts like that, society will surely kill him."
"So, was it wrong?"
"It was more than wrong. Well, it's a movie, so they might show a happy ending. But real life is way different."
I became a bit nervous. With fear in my voice, I asked my mom more about it.
"Then what happens in real life?"
"If it were real life, everyone would outcast them. They wouldn't be able to make friends again. They wouldn't be able to live properly, and worst of all, their lives might be completely ruined."
I heard all of it, and my heart sank. My breathing started becoming shallow again as I tried to stop myself, clutching my t-shirt. My mom finished her food and stepped away from the couch.
"Leave your plate in the sink. I will wash it later."
"And yeah, Dad is going to come home late."
I walked back to my room slowly. With every heavy step I took, it felt like my heart would drop out at any moment. I sat beside my bed, staring intensely at the clock for a long time.
If I remember correctly, when everyone was watching those pictures at school, I truly didn't feel a thing for any girl. Could it really be possible that I have no affection toward them? Is it true that I am an outcast among all my friends? Am I really something else? But I have never really felt anything for a boy either. Then what am I? Who am I? Is this really something I'm not sure of?
Too many questions arose within me, making it hard to figure out what was going on. I pulled my hair wildly to feel alive. This feeling threatened to consume me if I didn't do something about it. I looked at my hands, they were trembling.
"What to do? What to do? What to do?"
I didn't know if I was gay or not, but I knew one thing, 'I didn't want to be ostracized because of my feelings'.
I took out a red pen and wrote on my hand.
'Want to be alive? Then be what others are.'
From the next day, everything changed for me.
"Hey, girl, how sleek you are looking."
"Uhh... Dylan?"
I moved my hand toward her face while she was in shock. Not only her, but everyone in my friend circle was also shocked by my approach. For a moment, I thought the girl might get angry and hit me, but it was quite the opposite of what I expected.
"Dylan, do you really think that?"
"Huh?"
"Thank you! I recently started dieting for photos."
She ran from her seat and told her friends about it.
"You know, Dylan approached me!"
"Really? I'm so jealous!"
"Why wasn't it me? Only a few boys in our class are good-looking, and he approached you!"
I was a bit confused as I walked up to my friends. They asked me in a teasing manner.
"What happened to you, man?"
"Yeah, what was that?"
"You thought I didn't like girls?"
"No, that wasn't what I meant!"
They were all confused by what had just happened. One of my friends, who always used to sleep and never cared about anything happening in the world, was also interested.
"I guess he's started taking advantage of his looks."
"Man, you really are lucky that you're this handsome in our class."
"You've got guts, bro. I wouldn't be able to approach someone like that."
"Who would even like you if you approached them?"
One of them even praised me for it. The others were also happy, for the first time I had done something like that. I was happy just by getting this much validation from them, but deep down, it felt wrong.
After that, I approached a new girl every day, trying to force myself down this path. But it never worked out the way I planned.
"Damn, you really are something else!"
I was getting praised more and more for my actions. My friends were enjoying this game, though some were also jealous.
"Dylan, take this."
A girl approached me and handed me a paper chit. I was standing with my friends, and as soon as I took it, she ran away faster than a cheetah. For a moment, I wondered if she was even someone I knew.
"What is it?"
Bell Po took the chit from my hand and read it out loud. Giving a wrathful expression, he writhed in jealousy.
"Please meet me after school. I will wait for you at the back door of the school."
This wasn't something I was expecting. I took the chit and tore it apart.
"What are you even thinking?"
"Of not going."
"Are you crazy? This is a golden opportunity! You must go!"
"Yes! Dylan! Dylan! Dylan! Dylan!"
They all shouted my name in unison, making an echo. It felt like I was going off to war. I shouted "YES" to satisfy them and agreed.
"OKAY, I will go."
At least this would keep them quiet.
Walking back home alone later, I tried to figure out my actions. I tried remembering what I had done up until now. In the previous twenty days, I had approached more than sixteen girls just to get rejected or hit, but they were all just impressed. And after today, it was seventeen.
I rejected her, of course. If I didn't love her, why would I waste my time or hers? Kicking a stone along the path, I remembered her words.
"Sorry, but I am not looking for a relationship. Please forgive me."
"It's no problem. I still like you."
"But I don't love you. Please try dating someone else."
"I don't care. I will still be available for you anytime you need."
"And what if I approach other girls?"
"I will still accept you, even if you are with someone else."
That creeped me out. How could she say something like that with a smile on her face? I lowered my head and kept moving. That was really embarrassing. But what could I say? Every girl was acting like that.
A while ago, I had overheard other girls saying they would be with me even if they had to share me with someone else. How could they even talk about this among their friends?
My simple plan was getting ruined every day. Touching these girls inappropriately wasn't working either—I tried hitting them playfully on the head, rubbing my hand on their back, or teasingly pulling their lips, but it all failed. I hated doing any of this. Behaving like this made me want to puke on myself. Even if they liked it, I didn't.
I had thought if I did it with one or two girls, they would act weirded out and hit me. After that, my friends would understand that acting like this didn't work in my favor, and they would stop bugging me about not approaching girls. But nothing had worked out the way I thought it would.
Another day at school arrived, and rumors had even started spreading about me being a playboy. I didn't know whether to be happy about it or just kill myself.
At one point, when I was walking back to class after filling my water bottle, someone pulled my hand, pushing me against the wall. She looked me in the eyes and placed my hand on her chest. In an instant, I pulled my hand back in fear.
"What, don't you like it?"
"Mai, what the hell are you doing?"
"I heard you approached every girl in my class, but why didn't you come to me?"
"It was..."
"Don't you think I'm pretty?"
At this point, other kids came out from their classes to see what was going on. Even my friends were there. It was deeply embarrassing for me. I decided to make a scene about it. If it all had to go wild, it should be on my terms—then I could get out of there smoothly.
"Yeah. You know what? I don't like your figure."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you aren't that pretty in my eyes."
I said it, and everyone gasped—"Hawwww!"
I thought my plan was over. I tried to walk away, but she grabbed my wrist and whispered in my ear:
"I know you don't like any of this."
My eyes widened, and I stopped breathing. She whispered again.
"I know you are just trying to pretend that you like girls so you can hide yourself."
"How do you...?"
"I will keep your secret. But in exchange, I will take what I want."
"What is it?"
"You."
She said it, and then she kissed me. Everyone looked at us with wide eyes. Some even closed theirs so as not to watch, while others pretended to hide their eyes but were still peeking. She wanted to kiss me. She wanted to try me.
I stood there, clenching my fists. I stayed still—if I moved, everyone would question why a boy would resist kissing a girl. So I just stood there without saying anything. After a while, she pulled away, smiled, and walked off.
"I will see you later, Dylan."
I was frozen in that moment, not understanding what had just happened. Meanwhile, all of my friends came up to me, cheering for my first kiss. But I wasn't happy. It wasn't just me, either; Alex was watching me from a distance, looking saddened by all of this.
Later on, our classes resumed. When school was over, I rushed to the washroom. Puking uncontrollably, I was completely traumatized by everything. My mind was bursting with anger; I didn't know what to do. Just thinking about the kiss made me cry until my eyes felt raw. It felt disgusting.
I decided I had to stop this, but I couldn't do it alone. I needed help. I needed to tell someone. Please help me.
At home, I approached my mom and told her everything. She stood there and listened to all of it in silence.
"What?"
"Yes. That's the truth."
I cried as I spoke.
"I thought it would all go away once I started approaching girls intentionally. But I still didn't feel anything."
My mom hugged me tightly, gently patting my back while I cried even harder against her.
"Please help me, Mom. I don't want to be an outcast. I don't want to be."
She heard everything and decided to take action. She was terrified too—what if someone finds out? What if Dad finds out? She decided to do something, even if it cost us everything.
And I guess telling my mom was the worst decision of my life.