"Amen."
Dipping myself into a pool full of water to purify myself, the priest took out a cross and stamped it on my head, saying some prayers like a ghost was on me.
"May this human be purified and all the evils be banished from him. Make this child a man."
After that, we went to a temple, having myself revolve in circles, knotting a thread around a tree—marking all of my evils on it. After that, I swam in a river to wash everything away. The pandit took out a white powder and rubbed it on my head. I don't know what it was, but it got into my nose, making me cough.
"Oh, God in heaven, clear all of the sins of this human. He had done a mistake; let him commit them for your sake."
After that, another. This one was different than both of them—wearing a green turban and having a long beard. Looking at me with scary eyes, he took out a broom made of peacock feathers, hitting me as hard as he could with it while chanting something in his mind. I couldn't even tell what he was saying, but I knew one thing: it wasn't something in my favor.
"Take the evil jin who is having a stay on him and purify this child."
Days became months, and months became years. My whole 9th grade was wasted in all of this. Everyone saw the drastic changes in me. I didn't stop pretending to be a flirty person—or what they call me: a "Fuck Boy."
10th grade started and everything went back to how it used to be. Mai's teasing didn't stop. She still came up to me and touched me in the way she liked. I never loved it, but it was something I couldn't do anything about.
At home, I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself with pathetic eyes. Being all naked was even worse than being in clothes. I looked at myself and cried. I was fed up with all of this: not liking myself, always being in fear that my friends would tease me, enduring all of Mai's doings on me, and my mom's dilemma that I would never be able to live a normal life. I just wanted to end this, end all of it. Please, someone, take these struggles and pain away from me. Please, I don't want to be in this misery. Someone please help me.
That night, I just hit myself to a great extent. I didn't even remember when I fell asleep after beating myself up.
The next morning, my mom came up to me. Watching me without any clothes, she gasped in a "hawww." She wrapped me in a blanket and then pushed me to wake up.
"Dylan, wake up. Get ready, we have to go to a new temple."
"What, Mom?"
"I have heard he is very powerful. If he shows you his eyes, you will be purified for eternity. Get ready now; your father has already gone to the office."
"Yes, Mom."
Sitting in a still position, looking at the blanket I wore, I made a tired face, when suddenly—
"Dylan. Dylan."
I woke up and realized where I was. Sitting beside Kash, I looked around to find out what was happening. The traffic was roaring, and the vehicles were moving, making a huge sound as they went. I realized I was at our tea point.
"What happened to you?"
"Nothing, it's just..."
"Were you daydreaming? Get yourself together."
"Yeah. Hey, look, Alex is here."
That reminded me—Alex told us he was going to make us meet someone important. Who could that be?
We looked to the side, and Alex came walking, holding hands with someone. I think I had seen her before. Who is it? Who is it?
"Hey friends, you have already seen her, but here she is today in front of you all."
Wait a minute… isn't she—
"My girlfriend, Laura."
"That's good, bro."
That made me remember. Oh yeah, she was the one I had teased him about. It had been around one year since he told us that he was seeing a girl. He even told us about her FB a week after dating. The relationship was always confirmed from his side; it was just the girl who said no to everything. And now today, we met her as they confirmed their relationship.
"Ah, I am very jealous of both of you."
"Yeah, man. Alex has a girlfriend, and Dylan was even flirting with every girl every day. You two sure are lucky."
"I guess we should do plastic surgery and take their faces. This way, even we can make girlfriends."
"Yeah, you are right."
"Dylan, now that their relationship is confirmed, don't you dare say that you like her."
"Why would he even do that? He's got a row to spend time with. Right, Dylan?"
"Yeah..."
Everyone was laughing at the joke. They all were enjoying this teasing, but not me. Even Alex's girlfriend was laughing. But why couldn't I feel it? I wish I could have felt it too, but I couldn't. There was one more person who was feeling like me at that point.
"Okay, bye, everyone."
"Yeah, bye."
"Okay, Alex, I am also going now."
It was late at night for everyone, and they started walking to their homes. I also decided to get up and leave. Tonight wasn't something I wanted to be in. I was about to walk away, but then—
"Hey, Dylan."
I turned around and it was Alex. Looking at me with soft eyes, he approached me holding two ice cream cones in his hands.
"Wanna eat together?"
We sat on a wall beside the park and ate our ice creams. I wasn't sure what he wanted to say. He had just told me to stop, and here I was: eating our ice creams, looking at the tree in front of us. Having a thought on his mind, he finally let it out.
"What is wrong, Dylan?"
"What?"
"I am asking about you. I don't know what it is, but you are not being the Dylan I knew anymore."
"It's just... there is so much going on with me. And I don't know what to do about it."
"Are you afraid of something?"
"I don't know if I can call this fear or not. I don't know what it is. It's just something I don't want to feel. I don't know what it could be, but I don't want to be an outcast in our friend circle. I want to be like everyone else, but I never feel anything towards girls."
"Dylan, look at me."
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes.
"You are always the same as before for me, Dylan. You would never change just because you don't like girls. You are our same Dylan as before. You are the same person who loves playing, teasing, and respecting everyone. So, please stop this teasing and flirting just because you want to feel like us. Be natural as who you are. See it yourself, Dylan."
My eyes shook at his words. He said something that I had been waiting to hear. His words gave me a sense of comfort, the protection I was longing for.
After that, Alex tilted towards me while watching me look forward and smile. He kissed me on my cheek and then stood back in position. I looked at him with shocked eyes and put a hand on my cheek in a hurry.
"What?"
"What? What? Eat your ice cream and go home."
"Didn't you have a girlfriend?"
He didn't say a thing and just smiled. I also laughed a bit before we both moved toward our homes.
This time I felt something. After coming back home, I felt a warmth in me—a presence of something good happening to me. I loved this feeling. Only one thing was revolving in my mind, and that was Alex's words and his kiss. It's like I wanted it, but I just wasn't saying it.
I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself, 'Whatever You Are, Just Love Yourself.'
I walked up to my mom. She was preparing something by wrapping paper around a cotton ball. As she saw me, she was happy.
"Oh, Dylan, come here. Look, the priest told me if you do this and chime the bell three times a day, it will help you get over that spirit in you."
I looked at my mother, stepping between her and the flickering shrine.
"Mom, let's stop."
She froze, her fingers trembling over the cotton. "What are you saying?"
"I am saying stop," I said softly, a calm settling over my chest for the first time in years.
"Let me be who I am. Who I am should be more important than who you want me to be with."
"No, Dylan, what are you saying? Don't you know if you are like this, no girl will like you and you will be a joke in front of your friends? Do you want that?"
"You always told me that it might be hurtful to me, but why did you never tell me to be myself? Who I am should be more important than who I am wanted to be with. You have always made me be scared of myself."
I gently took the thread-bound doll from her hands, walked to the open window, and let it drop into the darkness below.
"I am fine, Mom. I am okay."
From the next day onwards, everything went back to how it used to be. I stopped flirting with girls on purpose and focused only on who mattered to me. Playing with everyone and being respectful to everyone was what I loved, even if it made me look like a loser.
Even toward Mai—I walked up to her and said it to her face.
"Do it if you want. Tell everyone. Be my guest."
"Do you even know what you are saying?"
"I am not going to live in fear and be your toy. You can have it your way, but I don't care anymore."
I said it and walked away. And that actually worked—she didn't tease me after that. I walked away with a smirk on my face. I was happy again with my life. All the pain that I had endured in myself for a year was gone. My life came back on track... but not for long.
*Slap*
*Slap*
*Screech*
Getting hit by my dad using his hands—that was the first time I felt that kind of fear in my eyes. He hit me with all the might that he had got. I found out that my mom had told him about everything. He asked me again and again:
"Speak to me, Dylan! What is it?"
"I am sorry. I am sorry."
He grabbed me by my hair and locked me in the attic room. He was so aggressive that night; I can't even put it into words.
[Present Day]
To this day, I am afraid of him. That fear has lessened now, but I still have it in me. I am still scared to stand in front of him.
I looked at the bandage on my hand and rubbed it lightly. Giving myself a little bit of comfort, I looked at Samayra and then lowered my gaze again.
"I don't know if it could ever be healed or not, Samayra. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, I am always with you. It doesn't matter to me if it might feel wrong, but I will always be there for you—because I wasn't there for me."
I realized that everything had gone too dramatic right now. I decided to break the ice and take this awkwardness away.
"Oh, look at the time. I should make dinner."
*Catch*
I was about to get up, but Samayra didn't let me. She closed in on me, wrapping her arms around my back and burying her face in my neck. She sat on my lap, holding me altogether, sitting in the same way as I was on the chair. She wasn't ready to let go of me, and for that same reason, I didn't want to let her go either. It was a weird comfort, but it was comfort.