Chapter 33
The Boy I Lost While He Was Still There
(Jay's POV)
He didn't notice me.
Not at first.
He was sitting near the window.
Books open.
But untouched.
Eyes somewhere else.
Lost.
Completely lost.
My heart dropped.
This wasn't him.
Not my Keifer.
Not the boy who laughed.
Not the one who teased.
Not the one who stayed.
This was…
someone else.
And seeing him like that…
Something inside me collapsed.
I stepped in quietly.
Closed the door.
Softly.
Locked it.
My hands were shaking.
Not from fear of getting caught.
But from fear of losing him even more.
I looked around.
Then quickly…
I pulled a bedsheet slightly.
Spread it neatly.
Took a few books.
Opened them.
Placed them around.
Like I came here for studying.
Like there was a reason.
Like this was normal.
But nothing about this…
Was normal.
"Keifer…"
My voice was soft.
Careful.
Like he might break.
He didn't react.
Didn't even look.
Just stayed there.
Still.
Empty.
I took a step closer.
"Keifer…"
This time—
He spoke.
Without looking at me.
"You shouldn't be here."
My heart tightened.
"I know…"
"Then why are you?"
His voice was calm.
Too calm.
Like nothing mattered anymore.
I didn't answer.
Because I didn't know how to.
Because "I missed you"…
Didn't feel enough.
He let out a small breath.
Then finally…
He looked at me.
And I wish he didn't.
Because those eyes…
They weren't the same.
No warmth.
No softness.
Just…
pain.
"What do you want, Jay?"
The way he said my name…
It hurt.
Because it didn't feel like mine anymore.
"I just… wanted to see you."
Silence.
He looked away again.
"Why?"
That one word.
Simple.
But it shattered me.
"Because today is your birthday…"
A pause.
"I thought…"
My voice broke.
"I thought you shouldn't be alone."
He let out a small laugh.
Empty.
"I'm not alone."
Silence.
"I'm just… used to it now."
My chest tightened painfully.
"Keifer—"
"You said yes."
He cut me off.
Sharp.
Clear.
I froze.
"You said yes."
Again.
Like he wanted to make sure I heard it.
Like he wanted to remind himself.
"I didn't have a choice—"
"You did."
His voice wasn't loud.
But it was firm.
"You always did."
Tears filled my eyes.
"I couldn't break my father's trust—"
"And what about me?"
Silence.
"What about us?"
I couldn't answer.
Because there was no answer.
Not one that would fix this.
He stood up slowly.
Walked a little closer.
Not too close.
But enough.
"Do you know what it felt like?"
His voice dropped.
Low.
Broken.
"When you said yes?"
My tears fell.
I shook my head slightly.
But he continued.
"Three years, Jay."
A pause.
"Three years…"
"And you just…"
He let out a breath.
"…walked away."
"I didn't—"
"You did."
Silence.
Loud.
Painful.
"I stopped texting you."
"I know…"
"I stopped coming to college."
"I know…"
"I stopped… everything."
Each word hit harder.
"But you didn't stop."
I looked at him.
Confused.
"You're still living."
That broke me.
Because he wasn't.
Not really.
"You came here today…"
He looked at me.
"But you're still going to marry him."
Silence.
"And I have to watch that."
My breathing got heavier.
"No…"
"I have to live with that."
That was it.
I couldn't hold it anymore.
Everything inside me…
Just broke.
"STOP IT!"
My voice cracked.
Loud.
Desperate.
Tears falling uncontrollably.
"I KNOW!"
He went silent.
"I KNOW WHAT I DID!"
I was shaking.
Crying hard.
"I know I hurt you!"
"I know I broke you!"
"I know everything!"
My voice kept breaking.
"I'm trying to breathe too!"
Silence.
"I'm trying to live too!"
I covered my face.
Crying uncontrollably now.
"I didn't want this…"
"I didn't choose this…"
"But I have to…"
My knees felt weak.
"I have to…"
The words felt heavy.
Impossible.
But real.
And for the first time…
I didn't hold back.
I cried.
Hard.
Completely.
In front of him.
Like everything I suppressed…
finally came out.
He didn't move.
Didn't come closer.
Didn't touch me.
He just stood there.
Watching.
Feeling.
Breaking.
Just like me.
Because sometimes…
Love doesn't end because you stop loving.
It ends because…
You have no choice left.
And that hurts the most.
To be continued… 😭💔