trauma trau·ma (trô'mə, trou'-)
n. pl. trau·mas or trau·ma·ta (-mə-tə)
An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial lasting damage to one's psychological development, often leading to neurosis.
trau·mat'ic (-māt'ĭk) adj.
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neurosis: anxiety or malaise experienced by an individual, group, nation, etc.
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I have cried many times before.
Once when Papa was forced to bring me as a tag-along to one of his lectures: I begged for a piece of candy from the store on the way home, but he went about grocery shopping as if I wasn't there. I screamed so loud the shop keep could never look at me with anything but a scowl on her face ever again. Not until that day.
Mama seemed like she couldn't breath around me. Or like she was holding her breath, biting back the words, "why do you have to be this way?" every moment I spent in her presence. They both had the same look in their eyes when they rejected me; the kind that pulls the insides of you out and shows them to anyone who would look.
I never chose not to fight.
I knew my parents loved me. I also can't remember a time when I wasn't haunted by shadows that were so much bigger that the light. The stress, the fear, and the pain. I couldn't put it into words at four years old. Maybe if I were older.
I had never cried like this.
I could see all these faces. Looks of pity and grief. Didn't know who held me, it could have been anyone. I wanted stare them in the face so I could hate them properly, but I could only feel grateful. The smell of burning wood surrounding us, I almost prayed, Mama, come out now before they take me away, please. Our home, a bonfire of reds, oranges and blues, replied in a slow groan that grew into a crack. The house collapsed in front of me.
I screamed as sweaty hands covered my face. I could only listen to the sound of footsteps running toward the building.
It was all too hot.