Lin Ming stared at the panicked servant.
"Hold up, hold up, hold up," Lin Ming said, holding up a hand. He slowly turned his focus from the servant to his sister, Yuya, who looked like she was performing a silent, high-level meditation on the concept of 'uncontrolled rage.'
"So, just to recap the terms and conditions of my new life here; I'm in a political marriage with a royal family, which is still politically relevant, but instead of the Prince, my fiancé is now a peacock." He leaned toward Yuya. "Is this considered an upgrade in this timeline, or did they just sign the Prince's name on a bird?"
Yuya finally snapped, her voice a low, terrifying hiss. "The Imperial Clerk must have made an egregious error on the Celestial Jade Scroll! This is an unprecedented scandal!"
"Scandal?" Lin Ming walked over to where Yuya stood, his green silk robes dragging disrespectfully on the pristine floor. "No, this is a win. The Prince would demand I show up for stuff. The peacock just needs me to scatter some feed. I can outsource that to Jinzhu." He looked at the maid. "Can you feed a royal peacock?"
Jinzhu, still shaking, whispered, "It is the Crown Prince's personal Peacock, Brother Ming. Its name is Lord Feng."
"Lord Feng," Lin Ming repeated, nodding. "Very majestic. Okay, new plan. We send the peacock an official 'Statement of Dissolution' citing irreconcilable differences. I'm allergic to feathers, maybe? That's easy. Now, where's that kitchen? I need to find something resembling caffeine before my brain goes offline permanently."
"Silence!" Yuya slammed her foot down. The floor didn't crack, but her feet echoed through the chamber. She pointed her finger at him. "You will not treat the Imperial family, even the fowl of the Imperial family, with such disrespect! This error must be rectified immediately, or the shame will destroy our family's name! We will be relegated to the Eastern Mountain Sector for the next fifty years!"
Lin Ming squinted. "Is the Eastern Mountain Sector the one with the decent Wi-Fi?"
Yuya nearly choked. "It is the sector where the untalented are sent to wallow in their shame! You will not drag me down with your foolishness, Brother Ming. You will prove to the Court that you are a suitable spouse, even if your intended is a bird!"
"How do you prove suitability to a bird?" Lin Ming asked, genuinely curious. "Do I have to learn a mating dance? Because I only know the basic Macarena."
**The Compulsory Cultivation Lesson**
Yuya decided that the situation was too dire for civilized conversation. She needed to reassert control over her suddenly possessed brother.
"We start with discipline!" Yuya declared. "If the Court sees that your qi is unrefined, they will assume the entire Lin Family is a disgrace. You will practice the Basic Repulsion Seal until sunset! Come!"
She moved with clear purpose toward the courtyard. Lin Ming followed behind dragging his feet, still distracted by where the kitchen might be.
"Wait, wait. Cultivation," Lin Ming groaned. "Is that like Pilates, but with more shouting? Look, Yuya, I don't do physical activity that isn't absolutely necessary for survival, like grabbing the remote."
Yuya ignored him, stopping beneath a massive, ornate pagoda. She turned to face him, her posture flawless.
"The Basic Repulsion Seal is the foundation of energy manipulation. It demands you focus, control your breath, and the harmony of movement within the inner flow. You must guide the flow of energy through your core, visualize the seal, and then project the force outward to repel unwanted elements."
She raised on of her hand to demonstrate. A tiny blue orb of energy appeared above her palm, shimmering like an expensive glassware. With a slight wrist flick, the orb shot forward and gently dissolving a small pile of dust several meters away.
"Now it's your turn. Meditate. Focus on your dantian."
Lin Ming looked around the courtyard's pillars. "Okay, first of all, 'dantian' sounds like a medieval dentist. Second, 'repel unwanted elements'? This is finally useful. I'll take lessons if I can use it to repel taxes and telemarketers."
Yuya's eye twitched. "Just breathe! And focus your qi! Imagine the energy as a gentle stream within your body."
Lin Ming closed his eyes, slumping slightly. After ten seconds, he opened them. "I feel nothing but the pressing need for a nap. Maybe I'm out of qi. Is there a qi bank I can deposit into?"
"The qi is within all of us, you just need to access it!" Yuya snapped. "Try closing your eyes and repeating this mantra: The will of the Dao guides my spirit."
"Okay," Lin Ming muttered, closing his eyes again. "The will of the Dao guides my spirit... to the vending machine."
He opened his eyes. Yuya was vibrating with exasperation. "The point is the focus! The seriousness!"
After a while, Lin Ming realized he wasn't going to get out of this easily. He had to make the lessons productive for his own survival and laziness.
"Fine. Let's make this efficient," Lin Ming said, suddenly standing up straight. "I learned about qi energy in a video game once. It's basically like a power bar right? So, what do you think is the cheapest, lowest-effort way to use this 'power bar' that doesn't involve meditation or standing up?"
Yuya, slightly relieved by his sudden engagement, lowered her guard. "Well, the Basic Wind Affiliation spell is simple. A minor stream of energy can be used for things like... cooling oneself."
Lin Ming's eyes lit up. "Air conditioning? Now we're talking. Show me the wind spell."
Yuya, being hopeful demonstrated it to him. She lifted her hand, and a gentle, cool breeze immediately wafted across her face, causing her hair ribbons to flutter elegantly. "A Simple release of external qi pressure," She said gently.
Lin Ming immediately assumed a look of seriousness. He raised his hand, held his breath, and pushed out a concentrated thought: I want the air to move, but only to cool my face.
WHOOSH.
The wind that erupted from his palm was not a gentle breeze. It was a chaotic, concentrated gale that hit the side of the pagoda like a small, panicked tornado. The leaves on a nearby tree were stripped clean. Jinzhu screamed as she was nearly blown into a decorative fish pond. Yuya's carefully pinned hair loosened in a single explosion, leaving a cascade of perfectly coiffed chaos tumbling down her back.
Yuya stood there, hair completely wrecked, eyes wide with horror. "What in the heavens was that!?"
Lin Ming looked at his hand, impressed. "Huh. Stronger than I thought. A little aggressive on the fan setting, though. Didn't hit my face. Massive control issue. Maybe I need to find the settings menu."
"Settings menu?!" Yuya screamed. "You just deployed a blast of raw, uncontrolled spiritual energy that exceeds even the power of a mid-level Novice! You could have destroyed the entire pavilion!"
"Relax," Lin Ming said, already turning to walk back toward the main house. "It was just a Repulsion Seal aimed at all the dust. It's what you told me to do, right? Repel unwanted elements."
He looked back at the terrified Jinzhu, who was holding the base of a pillar tightly. "Jinzhu, when you're done being repelled, can you grab me a washcloth? This silk is making me sweat."
**The Peacock's Schedule (The Bureaucracy of Fowl)**
Lin Ming quickly located the kitchen, which was a magnificent, steaming, highly efficient ancient operation with actual chefs, but zero coffee beans. As he stood there complaining loudly about the lack of instant access to caffeine, Yuya stomped in, hair now re-pinned, but her composure hanging by a thread.
"Stop loitering!" she commanded. "We received the official, corrected Imperial Decree regarding the betrothal. You are now required to attend a series of 'get-to-know-your-spouse' events with Lord Feng."
Lin Ming frowned. "A peacock requires events?"
Yuya shoved a small scroll into his hand. "The Prince is insisting that Lord Feng's happiness is paramount. He has provided a detailed itinerary for the next three days of courtship. If we violate the schedule, the Imperial Family will take it as a deliberate insult."
Lin Ming unfolded the scroll. He read the calligraphy with difficulty, occasionally substituting a character for a word he knew.
—9:00 AM: Sacred Morning Foraging (Must be accompanied by the Spouse)
—11:00 AM: The Grand Feather Preening Ceremony (Spouse must present three varieties of acceptable oil)
—1:00 PM: The Royal Naptime Observance (Silence is mandatory; spouse must read an approved, non-fictional text)
—4:00 PM: Display of Divine Plumage (Spouse must provide encouragement and applause)
"This is insane," Lin Ming declared. "This bird has a better schedule than I did in the modern world! I'm supposed to apply three varieties of oil to a peacock? That's too much effort."
"You will follow the schedule!" Yuya snapped. "The Prince intends to observe you closely to ensure you are capable of properly managing the Imperial Heirloom Fowl! Your entire reputation depends on this."
Lin Ming's eyes scanned the scroll again, landing on the 1:00 PM task.
"Wait, read a non-fictional text during naptime?" He looked at Yuya with a flash of wicked inspiration. "Do you know, I have a copy of the US Tax Code on my phone's internal memory. That's non-fictional. And I bet it's dense enough to put anything to sleep."
Yuya pressed her hands over her ears. "Do not utter such barbaric concepts! We will use the Scroll of Ancient Manners! You will read it until the peacock finds you utterly dull and breaks off the engagement himself!"
"You want me to weaponize boredom?" Lin Ming grinned. "Yuya, you finally understand me."
The chaotic duo had found a common goal, albeit one with completely opposing definitions of success: Yuya wanted to maintain decorum; Lin Ming wanted to use formality to achieve maximum laziness.
And Lord Feng, the peacock, was about to become the most tragically inconvenienced bird in the entire Celestial Kingdom.