The kitchen existed for exactly three reasons:
1. Rei requested it
2. Hell misunderstood
3. Delta should never be allowed near fire unsupervised
The counter was obsidian. The stove was alive. The knife drawer growled when opened.
Delta stared at the ingredients.
"…Why is the salt whispering."
Rei adjusted her sleeves calmly. "Because this is Hell."
"That's not an answer."
Narrator:
Delta, despite being able to annihilate gods, had never cooked a meal in his existence—
Delta slowly turned his head.
"No."
Rei paused mid-motion. "…No?"
Delta pointed upward. "You. Stop exposing me."
Narrator:
It was relevant.
"It was embarrassing."
Ingredients of Questionable Origin
Rei read from a recipe scroll. "Step one: preheat the oven."
The oven opened one eye.
"…It's already staring at me," Delta said.
Rei tapped it gently. "Please."
The oven screamed and ignited.
"…See," Delta said. "Manners work."
Delta grabbed a knife.
The knife growled.
Delta growled back.
The knife quieted.
Rei nodded approvingly. "Good conflict resolution."
Narrator:
Delta chopped vegetables with excessive force—
"THEY'RE ONIONS," Delta snapped. "NOT MY ENEMIES."
The onions fled.
Things Escalate Immediately
Rei placed a pan on the stove.
The stove hissed.
Delta leaned closer. "Is it supposed to—"
The pan exploded.
Both of them stared at the crater.
"…Was that step two," Delta asked.
Rei calmly checked the scroll. "…That was garnish."
Delta rubbed his face. "We skipped ahead."
A demon peeked in through the doorway.
"…Is this a battle."
"Yes," Delta said immediately.
The demon nodded and left.
Narrator Interference
Narrator:
Against all odds, they made progress—
Delta whipped around. "Against whose odds."
Rei sighed. "Do not antagonize the voice."
"I can hear it judging me."
Narrator:
He was correct.
"I WILL END YOU."
The kitchen lights flickered.
The recipe scroll caught fire and began chanting.
Rei calmly extinguished it. "Delta."
"What."
"You are arguing with literature."
"…It started it."
The Final Dish
At last, the dish sat on the counter.
It glowed faintly.
It breathed once.
"…Is it done," Delta asked.
Rei inspected it carefully. "Technically."
They tasted it.
Silence.
The dish screamed.
Delta swallowed. "Okay but texture-wise—"
Rei nodded slowly. "We have committed a crime."
Narrator:
Hell would never recover.
Delta slammed the plate into a portal. "No witnesses."
The kitchen collapsed.
Fire alarms rang.
A sign appeared in the rubble:
COOKING PRIVILEGES REVOKED
Rei dusted off her sleeves. "We tried."
Delta nodded solemnly. "We will never speak of this."
Narrator:
They would.
"SHUT UP."
Hell updated its records:
Casualties: 1 kitchen
Witnesses: Too many
Conclusion: Delta is not allowed near recipes