LUCIEN…
I never felt this kind of pain, even when I knew about my parents' deaths.
It was bitter and unbearable, steeped in something close to evil.
I had not known her long enough, but after that night, she touched me and held me close to herself, and it felt like I could not live one more day without her.
I couldn't tell if my need for her was just because of the magical powers she had, which saved me and put me under control, or if it was something more dangerous.
But standing just a few feet away from her, it felt like I had lost that moment forever.
Her beautiful blue eyes were replaced with a darker glow of fear, pain, and resentment.
And I still couldn't figure out how that happened.
Her hands held tightly to Yennefer, and the demon in me craved to tear the housekeeper apart.
She caused this.
This is exactly what she wanted.
But how could Elisa not even remember anything about that night?
There is no way in hell I would have mistaken that look in her eyes that night as she cradled me.
Or was I wrong?
Am I the one who has forgotten what happened that night?
Did I really hurt her?
My lips itched to tell her to please stay.
Please let me explain everything.
But instead, a loud guttural howl escaped my throat as the pain became too unbearable.
I fell to the ground and felt the beast within me take over.
The loud beating of my heart overshadowed Elisa's cry, but somehow, even in my painful transformation, I could still feel everything she felt.
The fear, the hesitation…
The worry.
Maybe for me, or for herself - but she stood clutching the housekeeper tightly.
The furs pierced through my skin, and the claws paved their own way through my flesh. My bones shattering as it gave way to the monster unfolding.
I finally stood on my two feet and stared down at both women, as my body completed the painful change.
The raw acidic smell of blood blinded my reasoning, and I could barely make out their expression through my bloodshot eyes.
I could almost taste their blood on my tongue, could practically hear the sound of their bones snapping between my crushing fingers.
But I hesitated…
I wanted to see if she would do something about it.
Maybe she could put me under control like she did the other day, and then remember everything about the other day she was in my room.
I looked down at her form and waited a few minutes, claws digging into the stone floor as I tried to control my own bloodlust.
But all I got back was a heavy thumping of heart from one woman, Elisa.
She wasn't going to save me anymore - or maybe I was the one who was going crazy and had imagined something that never happened.
I heard myself huff like a disappointed animal, as I dragged my feet backwards with every willpower I could manage.
I was wrong…
She's not mine to hold back.
I turned around, even against the will of the beast in me that wanted so badly to taste blood, and crushed through the manor's walls as I ran out of the manor.
Every muscle rebelled against the decision, but if I stayed one more second… I would destroy the only reason I still breathed.
The walls shattered around me as I burst through them and into the night air.
The cold wind didn't soothe the fire beneath my skin — nothing could.
Maybe if I wasn't really imagining that night, then only she could quench this burning in my soul, and feel the emptiness in my heart.
The pain spread deeper like venom as I ran into the night. My legs were too heavy under me, not ready to abandon the treat it wished to devour.
Everything blurred together — fury, confusion, heartbreak.
Ooh, I have never felt this way in my life.
I felt the anger and the disappointment of being abandoned by a whole village and being tagged a monster all my life. But never have I looked up to someone and watched them choose someone else instead of me.
If she had powers, how could she not know the truth about me?
I kept going.
Even though I had never gone out this far and was not sure where I was heading or what exactly I hoped to find out there.
I just wanted to be away.
Yet, the longer I ran, the stronger her scent clung to me like a cruel reminder — soft and warm, a comfort I no longer deserved.
I stumbled into a clearing and braced myself against a tree, claws biting deep into the trunk.
My breathing was too loud, too wild, and I squeezed my eyes shut to calm the thoughts and the voices inside my head.
Just stop.
Just stop thinking about her shaking in another's arms, instead of finding solace in my arms like I did in hers.
Stop remembering how she once held me to her chest without fear.
Stop wanting that feeling back.
I forced my limbs tighter to the ground, afraid of what I'd do if I stood.
Her terrified voice replayed in my head:
"Stay away from me."
The words stung worse than the beast within me, ripping me apart.
I dug my claws deeper into the bark to stop myself from running back. To stop myself from proving her right — that I was a monster.
The forest was quiet except for my ragged breaths.
No voices, no whispers, no one to accuse me of being what they all believed.
Or maybe even the birds and every animal in sight disappeared at the presence of a demon among them.
I raised my head into the night and let the pain in my chest escape in an unearthly growl.
One that intensified the fire burning in my chest while releasing some of the anger and pain that had been stuck in my throat.
I lowered myself onto all fours and pressed my forehead against the cold earth. My heart thudded too loud against my ribs — like it might break through just to reach her.
The beast inside me didn't understand why we left.
It snarled and paced, urging me to go back.
To take her for my own. Reminding me that I had the power to do whatever I wanted and no one dared to stop me.
But I knew the truth.
If I stayed back or even tried to go back now, someone would die.
Maybe her, maybe me, or maybe even all of them.
A shaky breath left me, fogging into the night.
If distance was the only mercy I could offer her…Then I would suffer every mile of it.
I sighed silently, and just then, I heard movement in the trees behind me.
I turned sharply but saw no one.
My eyes immediately changed form, and in the red blur that covered my eyes at that moment, I saw the shadow of a human retreating into the trees.
My legs wanted to move, but the beast hesitated - to my utmost surprise.
It was then that I picked the scent.
Whoever that figure in the dark cloak was, he smelled nothing like human.
By dawn, word of the beast's escape had already spread beyond the manor walls, crawling into the ears of men who feared him more than they feared God